A Small Asian Man Shat in My Bosses Car.

21 September, 2008

But I’ll get to that later.

Week 2 Recap:

10-5 picking winners, should have been 11-4, but got boned in Denver.  Welcome to the fucked-in-the-ass club Norv.  Couldn’t have happened to man with worse neck skin.  What else is there to say about week 2 besides G#$5#(**&% Jacksonville, you disappoint me more than I disappoint my parents.  I know you have problems, and so does Indianapolis.  Both Indy and Jacksonville look like husks of the teams they could be if the starting O lines were healthy.  Also, wtf is the Seahawks problem anyway?  They have the easiest job in the NFL: Win the NFC West.  They remind of 45 year old who still lives in his parents basement.  I would say to that 45 year old Sure, you have a job dude, but there’s no room for career advancement.   I would say to the Seahawks, Draft a fucking Quarterback before Hassellbeck gets too old or you’ll be 2011’s St Louis Rams.

Week 3 Picks:

KC @ ATL – Rule #1 of the 2008 NFL Regular Season is Never Pick KC to Win.  Ever.  ATL by 7.

OAK @ BUF – Buffalo is 2-0.  God that sentence hurts to write if only because I thought they would start 0-2 and I was wrong.  will I be wrong here too?  Marshawn Lynch and Darren McFadden will combine for over 400 yards.  Goes to overtime, and a Trent Edwards fumble is ruled an incomplete pass, Bill kick a FG BUF by 3.

TB @ CHI – Garcia gets his groove back and a superior Bucs ‘D’ rapes an inferior Bears ‘O’.  Was that too sexual to be considered objective?  Allow me to rephrase that:  I hate the Bears.  Hate them Passionately.  But I recognize when they are dangerous, and with the exception of Matt Forte, the Bears have no claws.  TB by 4.

CAR @ MIN – Panthers get a second win versus the NFC North.  Gus Ferrotte gets hurt and the season long benching of Tavaris Jackson is repealed only to be reinstated after the game when the Vikings resign Brooks Bollinger.  Also, the Vikings defense is not all that good.  How many points do the Packers score if they don’t rack up 70+ penalty yards in week one, and how many points would an Indy team with a healthy o-line score in week 2?  CAR by 10.

MIA @ NE – Rule #2 of the 2008 NFL Season is officially Theory #2 of the 2007 NFL Season.  Never Ever pick the Dolphins to win.  Even if its a theory, you still win 95% of the time.  NE by 7.

CIN @ NYG – No explanation necessary, NYG by 3.

HOU @ TEN – Who’s playing good football right now and who’s not?  That’s what this pick comes down to for me, and I think it works out on a week to week basis pretty well.  If you had asked me when I was 10 who would win a battle of the Bands: The New Kids on the Block or Vanilla Ice……….Wait, where the fuck am I going with this?  TEN by 5.

ARI @ WAS – Fuck me this is the toughest game to pick this week.  Just looking at the matchup makes my head hurt.  WAS by 1 but only because I feel I have to pick someone.

DET @ SF – Also, fuck me in the ass on last weeks Niners Hawks game.  Won’t let it happen this week, Detroit sucks and they’re on the road, and Mike Martz drama, and Mike Nolan is a snazzy dresser, SF by 3.

STL @ SEA – Well shit Seattle, you’ve fucked me twice, so I guess it’s shame on me, right?  Third times the Charm, SEA by 10.

NO @ DEN – What does Mike Shanahan have in common with Sarah Palin?  A tanning bed?  Nope, they both wake up every morning and put lipstick on a pig.  The end result is that Mike can make any running back a god, and Sarah Palin raised a whore of a daughter.  DEN by 1.

PIT @ PHI – How many times should I say it this year, Philadelphia is not a good football team.  PIT by 7.

JAC @ IND – In an epic battle of rookie linemen only one team can rise up and claim that they are less disappointing than the other, and given the small size of Indy’s line I pick the boys from Florida.  JAC by 2.

CLE @ BAL – Who really cares besides people in Cleveland?  Browns got to get a win sometime, might as well be against the Ravens.  CLE by 6.

DAL @ GB – Besides the fact that I’m a total Packer Homer, I have no reason to make such a bold prediction, other than the fact that Dallas has never won at Green Bay.  Ever.  Period.  Packers by 17.

NYJ @ SD – Almost an afterthought.  NYJ by 1.

About the Title of this Post:

A small and extremely drunk asian man was stumbling around the building that houses the pizza place I work at (that’s right, I work at a pizza place), which is nothing out of the ordinary for Madison.  What was out of the ordinary is what happened after we kicked him out at 4 this morning so that we could close.  After nearly braining himself walking down the stairs he seemed to disappear into the fog of a cool Madisonian morning, and all was well, or so it seemed.  After polishing off a 12ver with the co-workers I went to the dumpster to ditch the empties and lo, there he was:  Passed out in my bosses van.  Now I know what you’re thinking, Van.  They have bench seats in the back, right?  Well my little Asian friend disdains the backseat and fell asleep across the two front captain seats, illustrated here:

So we wake him up and are greeted with the delightful fragrance that Chanel calls 5am Drunk.  After about 3 or 4 minutes of asking him, “Seriously, What the Fuck?” He gets out of the van, I go home and I think my boss called the cops.  I can’t say I blame her.

Here’s where things get interesting…

A half hour later I get a text from my boss (lets call her H) that reads:

I just had an Asian fall asleep and shit in my car.

I had earlier assumed that he had merely shit in his pants, which prompted this:

Did he shit IN the car or in his pants?

In the car.

As in dropped trou and left you a brown mound in the backseat?

No man, as in shit in his hand and left it on the floor and then past out in the van.

Ouch.  Sorry about the upholstery, H.