The Key To My Health

14 September, 2008

Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?  Bacon!  A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner.

I’m thinking about abandoning that whole diet plan for the Ernest Borgnine system.  I should make that a poll.

WEEK ONE AFTERMATH

Well, the picks sucked.  Thanks to Omar for noticing.  Allow me to quote, “Wow. What a train wreck.”

Again, to summarize, forgetting the margins, my picks went 5-8, and I forgot to pick the Monday Night games.  I haven’t been so embarrassed since I was trying desperately not to fart in my 4th grade music class and the combination of sitting on a cold tile floor and sqeezing my anus as tight as possible produced a fart so long, loud and tuned to an octave above middle C that 30 pairs of eyes were immediatly drawn to me.  When my teacher asked me if there was anything I wanted to say, I said “I passed gas”, which made her very angry because she thought that I had let go a world-record sqeaker on purpose.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.  Well, I promised you the DVOA splits, but I’m a liar.  Also, you can do them yourself, I don’t care enough to really go back a week to subtract a mathematical formula’s output for team A from team B when it won’t even be DVOA until week 5.  Until then we’re stuck with DAVE.  Confused?  Go here.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.  I’m taking week one as a learning experience, and since I picked versus the DVOA from week 5 on last year, I think I’ll just do it again this year.

WEEK 2 – THREE HOURS FROM NOW

After all the hurricanes, complaining, spontaneous vag-oplasia (but we can’t play, it’s really rainy and windy and flooded) and subsequent rescheduling I guess there’s just the picks and splits left now, isn’t there?  Cry me a river Texas, you’re all bravado when there’s no storm, telling us that everything’s bigger there, and not to mess with you, but guess what?  Ike doesn’t give a fuck about you.  It’s a good thing Houston is America’s fattest city otherwise more citizens might have been swept away.

TEN @ CIN – The Titans suprised me and the Bengals made me really angry on week one. This one’s at Cincy and that’s good for the Bengals but they gave up 200+ yards on the ground last week which negates any kind of home field advantage.  The Titans will miss VY, but the Bengals gave up 200+ yards on the ground last week, so…   Do you see where this is going?  TEN wins by 3.

[Side Note about Vince Young and his overbearing Mother: Would you go to a friends, turn your phone off and eat fried food if the following happened to you in the course of a day? First you get hurt at work, then it looks like your employer didn’t need you to succeed, then a whole bunch of strangers with cameras and microphones ask you what its like to hurt and worthless and then you go home and there’s half a dozen female relatives all asking you what’s the matter, and saying what’s WRONG WITH YOU, AND CHEER UP, AND OMFG I’M GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF IF YOU HAGS DON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW, QUIT TALKING ABOUT ME,  I’M GOING OUT and then your mom calls the cops on you.  Vince, we understand.]

GB @ DET – Detroit couldn’t beat a red-headed step child who was also a dead horse.  GB by 10.

OAK @ KC – my 1st rule of the 2008 NFL Season is never ever pick KC to win.  OAK by 4.

NYG @ STL – The Generic Show on Turf can be dangerous at home.  I can see this one going down to the wire.  NY’s d-line is not what was 8 months ago, and Steven Jackson is still waiting for that post-injury breakout stretch that I know is coming.  I gotta go with Giants but not by a whole lot, NYG by 3.

IND @ MIN – Umm, I think Indy shit the bed on purpose last week just to spite me.  They knew that they could embarass me by proving my pick wrong and they could enrage me by giving Chicago a win.  But I also have Grandiose Delusions (which are different from my delusions of granduer)  IND by 14.

NO @ WAS – Who cares?  Should I pick a home team soon?  Nah.  NO by 3.

CHI @ CAR – Here’s where I pick a home team, if only because I want Chicago to lose so badly that I would sell my firstborn into white slavery to ensure a 4-12 record every year for the Bears.  CAR by 3.

BUF @ JAC – Ugly is a word that one might use to describe Tommy Lee Jones, Janet Reno, and the Jaguars week 1 performance.  No way this happens to me two weeks in a row.  JAC by 10.

SF @ SEA – Taking the home team again.  Seattle is just plain better than San Fran.  SEA by 13.

ATL @ TB – I’m still a Jeff Garcia mark, also, Tampa’s D is much better than Detroits, so I’ll take TB by 7.

NE @ NYJ – In a Jets Pats series with no Tom Brady I have to call it a home and home split.  NYJ by 1.

MIA @ ARI – God, who has to watch this game anyway?  I would rather pick my eye boogers with a Buck Knife than have anything to do with this game.  Someone has to win, right?  ARI by 1.

SD @ DEN – Tough game to pick.  There’s only one thing for certain, Denver fans wish this game was going to be played in November or December.  On that note, SD by 2.

PIT @ CLE – Steelers are gonna kick the shit out of the Browns, giving new meaning to the phrase “Mistake by the Lake”  PIT by 14.

PHI @ DAL – I know now that I picked the opposite of what everyone else did as far as Philly’s season is concerned, but I stand by the prediction of 4th place finish for the Eagles, and that starts today, DAL by 7.

Ahh, I’ll do the DAVE splits later…..Here’s a sexy picture of Amy Smart…

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I was so wrong…

4 February, 2008

The Giants won?  At least I didn’t put money on the game.  My personal highlight of the game?  Listening to the Russian broadcast on Sirius.  I was only able to pick out the few Russian words I know (Nyet, Da, Vodka, etc…) and player, coach and team names.  If it wasn’t for the PA system I wouldn’t have been able to follow the game at all.  It is funny though, to hear “(incomprehensible Russian spoken at light speed) Bill  Bell-e-czech (more incomprehensible Russian)” with the color guy breaking in, “Nyet, (blahblahblah) Bell-e-czech (blahblahblah) – Tom Cough-a-linn.” Defenitely better than watching the game on a prison television in between runs.


1,000 words plus a Super Bowl Pick

3 February, 2008

I swore off talking about the Super Bowl. I even went so far as to volunteer to work during the game. (although the fact that Super Bowl Sunday is perhaps the busiest day of any delivery drivers year may have also been a factor in that decision) Today I will write no more than two sentences concerning the Big Game, but first….

The Hall of Fame class of 2008
    A few weeks ago I put together my Hall of Fame Ballot that counted for absolutely nothing. I would have voted in a full class of 7 men. It seemed to be a fantastic group of finalists and no matter which way I dissected them it seemed that more than 7 in that group of 15 deserved induction. I would have sent Fred Dean, Emmitt Thomas, Bob Kuechenberg , Derrick Thomas, Chris Carter, Richard Dent, and Art Fucking Monk. Apparently I know nothing about almost everything as the voting committee is sending only 3 of the guys I thought should be in to the hall, along with Darrell Green, Andre Tippett, and Gary Zimmerman.
    Now I have no problem with Darrell Green being inducted. The man played for an incredibly long time at the highest level, I just thought that he could wait until next year to be inducted. How many HOF classes have included two cornerbacks?
    I also have no problem with the inclusion of Gary Zimmerman. I would have voted for Kuechenberg or Randall McDaniel before him, but all 3 were no doubt the best at their positions when they played. My question would be, What factors beyond personal prejudice could possibly put one of those canidates ahead of another? There aren’t a plethora of stats by which to judge their performance, so what makes one more hall worthy than the others? Nothing but the personal opinion of a handful of old dudes.
    Which brings my to Andre Tippett. Never has one man been so dwarfed by others in consideration, yet been inducted. Maybe its happened and I just don’t know it. In fact it probably has happened. Allow me to elaborate….
                            Pro Bowls     All Pro Years     Sacks     INTs
Andre Tippett         5                     5                     100         1
Derrick Thomas     9                     8                     126.5       1
Randy Gradishar   7                      8   (not an official stat 20
                                                          for vast majority of his career)
    I think that its pretty obvious that Tippett is the third best linebacker in the class of finalists, but is the only one inducted, and that my friends is some bullshit.
The Bucks still suck, but they haven’t made any bad trades…
…yet. I don’t suppose its too late to make a trade reminiscent of the Ray Allen to Seattle deal. It’s a possibility that could become all too real. I’m almost hoping that Milwaukee slips and falls into another lottery pick, because if they rally from this funk and threaten to make the playoffs (not fucking likely I know) I could see some kind of stupid, shortsighted trade happening. It must be good to be a Raptors fan, huh T?
    Speaking as I was of stupid trades…Gasol to the Lakers? Nice job Memphis. Way to tank this season in the hopes that those draft picks will pan out. And hey! you only have to pay Kwame Brown for this worthless season, so maybe there is some upside. How did the Lakers pull this one off? They look pretty good with Bryant and Fischer in the backcourt and Bynum, Odom and Gasol in the frontcourt. Of course Gasol could suffer a rash of injuries and Kwame Brown could start putting up 30 ppg, but I wouldn’t hold my breath.
    Also, big thumbs up go to Shaquille O’neal as he proves my decision to draft him in the 7th and 9th rounds of my fantasy basketball draft a complete and utter miscalculation. Besides averaging 11 points below his career average and 4 rpg fewer this season, he’s also decided not to play until he is at “1,000%” Wow. I’m waiting with bated breath. I bet the Heat are so happy to be paying him $20 million this season. At least on my teams he sucks for free. Also, I’d like to know how come Isiah should be fired (and he should be fired) but I haven’t heard a word about Pat Riley (who probably should be fired as well.) 9-36? Are you kidding me?
Take Me Out To The Ballgame…
Seriously. Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks, because I’m going to have the munchies. I know that I, like every Brewers fan, am wondering, whatever happened to Corey Koskie. Now you know.
    But there are other things going on in baseball besides the rehabilitation of a former third baseman. Apparently some players have been abusing something called stairoids. All this drug abuse has gotten the United States Congress so worked up that they’ve completely forgotten about the wars in Iraq and Afganistan, the looming spector of an ever growing deficit, enacting the 9/11 committee recommendations on how to avoid having this happen ever again, preventing executive abuse of Constitutional guarantees, and preventing the sexual abuse of young men by House members… Where was I? Oh. yeah. Congress decided that none of those aforementioned issues were more important than talking to Chuck Knoblauch for almost 2 hours about baseball. Jesus Christ. Just go to Yankees fantasy camp if it means that much to you. Don’t waste my tax money to ‘get to the bottom’ of whether a whole lot of players got injected in the butt. Why don’t you ‘get to the bottom’ of whether AT&T gave the government my phone records without a warrant, or ‘get to the bottom’ of why its apparently OK for the President to lie about WMD??!? I guess I said just about everything I can say a while ago, but this story isn’t being allowed to die. This is like a scab that just keeps being picked at and picked at. It would have healed just fine, but now its going to leave an ugly scar.
The Two Sentences about the Super Bowl
    The Big Game will be a blowout, ala SB XXIV (SF 55 – DEN 10) with New England embarrassing New York much to the delight of Pats fans and Massholes worldwide. The DVOA no doubt favors NE, so both the DVOA and I will finish will identical(-ly dismal) postseason records.
The biggest lie that We’ll see in 2008

The judge also asked Jones to speak to the court, and the cornerback said he has learned a lot about dealing with others and how to conduct himself.

“It won’t happen again,” he said

Although it is an election year…


My Laziness Manifests itself in the form of YouTube Embeds

20 January, 2008

How can I write any more about the Packers game when the Onion publishes this?

Also when someone says mean things like this…

…I know that I should forget about the Packers very existence and move to Canada, or if they won’t have me, maybe Minnesota. Your words are weapons. Weapons that make me….so happy not to be you, I suppose. But then there’s people who use ‘izzle’ in their name, and play so much Madden that they think they’re actually on the Giants coaching staff….

…I remember having a moment like that back in ’05, I was playing a season a week, trying to forget how bad my team was. The moment when I caught myself giving my team a pep talk was the moment I decided that I should smoke less pot. For Christ sake, I was talking like this guy….

….Ummm, Uhhh, should we, you know, uh,

…leave now so we can beat the traffic. We fear traffic. And Anonymous…..

…always fear anonymous….


You’re Seriously Picking the Giants?

18 January, 2008

You’re just fucking with me right?  You are going to bet hard earned money on the NY Giants…  OK, fine with me, I’m not your wife.  I just happen to think that its the dumbest thing I’ve heard since you said the Seahawks were going to cover.  I’m just trying to help out here, there are FACTS that say betting on the Giants is a bad idea.  This is not merely my opinion, this is not because I’m biased (which I am).  This is because I honestly don’t want you to lose money this weekend.  You heard me correctly, I am merely concerned that your children need those two bills more than your bookie does.  Fine, fine.  Put your money on the Giants, but first let me show you why you shouldn’t…

Reason #1: These teams already played each other.  Did you bet on the Giants for that one?  You did?  Sorry guy.  I guess you don’t need me to remind you that the Packers won by 23 points then.

Reason #2: Since that game the Packers have gotten significantly better through the addition of Ryan Grant.  You know, the guy who made it seem like you’d win on a Seattle cover for about 15 minutes.  He’s the guy who has rushed for 1130 yards from week 8 through last weekend.

Reason #3: Brett Favre went 29-38 and 3 TDs in week 2 versus the Giants.  Factor in New York CB’s Ross and Madison are on the injury list and tell me how the Giants are going to cover anyone.  At least answer the question for yourself, because its not my money that you’re betting.

Reason #4: Yeah yeah the Giants are 9-1 on the road, but the Packers are 8-1 at home.  Let’s look deeper…The Giants went 1-5 against teams with a winning record in the regular season, and the Packers 3-1. 

Reason #5: The Packers are 13-3-1 ATS for the season, compared to the Giants 12-6-0 mark.

Reason #6: Football Outsiders DVOA.  Green Bay is rated at 27.3%(which is #2) and the Giants are rated at 3.4% (which is 18th).  I gave you the percentage split for every week for every game since week 5, you check how many times a 20% or greater split ends with a win for the lower rated team.

Reason #7: Accuscore.  Their simulations have the Packers winning 67% to NY 32%.  If that’s not enough than look at their composite projections.  I’m only trying to keep you from losing money.  Accuscore says there’s a 40% chance the Packers win big, which is almost twice the number of close win projections for both teams combined.

Reason #8:  Eli Manning is almost as likely to throw multiple interceptions (6 times this season) as he is to throw multiple touchdowns (7 times this season).  Favre’s ratio?  12 multiple TD games to 6 multiple INT games.

Reason #9:  “In the 37 completed seasons since the AFL-NFL merger, there have been only nine NFC Championship Games decided by seven points or fewer…”  .Thats less than 1 out of 4 probability that the Giants could lose and still cover.  Think about that.  Also “Home teams have .662 winning percentage (49-25) in conference championship since 1970…

Reason #10: Eli will no doubt be worn out by the DSRL events he’s scheduled to compete in on Friday and Saturday.
That’s it.  No pictures.  Only one joke.  Ten reasons why all these people are wrong…

Scott Ferrall

Big Daddy Drew

Matt Chin

Harry Carson 

Almost the entire New York Post

Harmon and Prisco at CBS

Tom Wier

Also I am picking the Pats, per Rule #1 of the 2007 NFL Season.  DVOA agrees with me on both, meaning our record is and will be identical after this week.


The Sparano’s – Episode 1 – Tony buys a Boat

17 January, 2008
The Sparanos
Bill “Cousin Billy” Parcells (Cousin Billy dials the phone) – Eh, Tony. We gotta talk. It was Cam.
Tony Sparano – You sure?

Bill “Cousin Billy” Parcells – He’s our problem, has been the whole fuckin’ time.

(cut to Cam “Big Pussy” Cameron’s front door)

Bill “Cousin Billy” ParcellsTony Sparano – (ding-dong, door opens) – Cmon, Who wants to go buy a boat!!

Cam “Big Pussy” Cameron-What are you guys doing here? I’ve been puking and crapping all day, I don’t know if I wanna go out.

Tony Sparano-C’mon, the owners got a couple offers, I gotta decide today, so lets go Puss.

(Big Puss complains, but gets in the car with Cousin Billy and Tony. Jeff “lil Jeffree” Ireland is driving)

Lil Jeffy Ireland – Alright, we’re on our way. You gotta see this Sea Ray, Puss, its a primo craft that uh, you know…

Bill “Cousin Billy” Parcells-Shut the fuck up and drive Jeffree.

(cut to the marina, the boys make small talk with Cam as they make way down the dock and board a gorgeous yacht. They motor away smoothly into the Atlantic)

Tony Sparano– Hey Puss, come below and check out this fuckin’ mohagany. The craftsmanship,Christ, bee-u-tifull.

Cam “Big Pussy” Cameron – (nervously) -It really is nice, Ton’, I wish I could aff-

(Tony and Cousin Billy shove Cam into a chair, Cam looks frightened, and Tony looks like he can smell that Cam has shit his pants.)

Bill “Cousin Billy” Parcells – We know it was you, shithead. You sold us out. How could you? What’d they have you on?

Cam “Big Pussy” Cameron – Who’s they, what the fuc—

(Tony slaps Cam across the face)

Tony Sparano – Shut the fuck up, Pussy! Don’t lie to me, I know all about you and the Patriots. I know that you gave em the tapes. Our playbook!?! You’re a dirty piece of shit, I just wanna know why you’d sell everyone out like that.

Cam “Big Pussy” Cameron– They they had pictures of me..(starts crying)…..

Tony Sparano – BE A MAN, PUSSY!

Cam “Big Pussy” Cameron – They had pictures of me … leaving an adult establishment..

Bill “Cousin Billy” Parcells – You sold us out over a titty joint?? You little bitch!

Cam “Big Pussy” Cameron – Not a titty joint, Billy, not a …… It was Goldfellas. I was so embarrassed Ton’, I didn’t know what to do…When Belichek sent me the photos….OH GOD, what have I done….I need a drink…You got any tequila on board?

(Cousin Billy pours Cam a drink)

Tony Sparano – Did you even try? (pulls out a 9mm.) I mean, Trent and then to Cleo, and then John and back to Cleo? Fucked up.

Cam “Big Pussy” Cameron Not in the face, OK? You give me that? I’m starting to feel sick, Jesus Christ….I need to sit down. Is that OK, Tony?

(Gunshots, then a *thump*)

Bill “Cousin Billy” Parcells – Lil Jeffree, get the weights. (dials cell phone) – It’s done.

Wayne “Junior” Huizenga – Good

My own Personal Hall of Fame Ballot (that counts for nothing)

17 January, 2008

hof logo

So here’s the entirely imaginary deal…The Hall of Fame Ballot is 17 players. The largest an incoming class can be is 7 players, which means I need to cull 10 names to get to a final list. First up, cutting the names I’d think are just plain not happening…

Probably not for a while (if ever)….

Marshall Goldberg – Back – 1939-1943, 1946-48 Chicago Cardinals. Upside – 2 time Pro-Bowler, 1 time All-Pro. Downside – Never had over 500 yards rushing in any season, fewer than 2,000 career rushing yards. Only played 8 seasons. Why I say no – He led his college team to back to back national championships, and he IS in the college football hall of fame, but a great college career does not a pro football HOFer make. I know he missed two years serving his country in WWII, but this is not about service to one’s country, it’s about earning a bust through excellence on the field.

Paul Tagliabue – Commissioner – 1989-2006 National Football League, No. NO. Never gonna vote for you.

Ray Guy – Punter – 1973-1986 Oakland/Los Angeles Raiders. Upside – 7 time Pro-Bowler, and 9 time All-Pro. Has an award for best college punter named after him. 3 Super Bowl rings, 14 year career Downside – HE’S a PUNTER! And retract that plus on the 14 year career, as Jeff Feagles is in his 20th season and I don’t think he’s a hall of famer either.

Russ Grimm – Guard – 1981-1991 Washington Redskins Upside – 4 time Pro-Bowler, 5 time All Pro. 3 Super Bowl rings. Downside – in his ten year career only started every game 4 times, even though he becomes a starter after his rookie season. Sorry Russ, you won’t be getting a bust in Canton, but you have those 3 rings to console yourself with.

Andre Tippett – Linebacker – 1982-1993 New England Patriots Upside – 5 time Pro-Bowler, 5 time All-Pro, 100 career sacks(23rd all time) Downside – Only 1 pick in 11 seasons? Plus he’s only the third best linebacker on the ballot, Sorry guy.

So there’s 5 gone, 12 left. That means that at least 5 guys have to go. I think that all 12 of these remaining men are HOF caliber, it’s just a matter of who gets in this year, and who has to wait. Here’s the guys I think have to wait.

There’s always next year….

Darrell Green – Cornerback – 1983-2002 Washington Redskins. Upside – 19 year career, 7 time pro-bowler, 4 time All-Pro, 54 career interceptions (tied for 18th all time, its also one more than Deion Sanders), started 258 (258 starts is 5th most all time) of his 295 career games. Has a Super Bowl ring. Downside – None, except Emmitt Thomas is on the ballot, and he had more picks in fewer games…Darrell is a shoo-in next year.

Randy Gradishar – Linebacker – 1974-1983 Denver Broncos. Upside – 7 time Pro-Bowler and 8 time All-Pro. Won one AFC championship. Downside – No rings, played most of his career before the NFL recognized sacks as a stat, so I have no way of knowing what he built his reputation on.

Randall McDaniel – Guard – 1988-1999 Minnesota Vikings, 2000-2001 Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Upside – 14 year career, starting 220 of 222 career games. 12 time Pro-Bowler, 11 time All-Pro. Downside – No Super Bowl rings, much less appearences, He was a great player, but he’s gonna have to wait his until next year.

Andre Reed – Wide Receiver – 1985-1999 Buffalo Bills, 2000 Washington Redskins Upside – 7 time Pro Bowler and 4 time All-Pro. 951 catches (5th all time), 87 touchdowns (10th all time), 13698 rec. yards (8th all time). Downside –Had four chances to win a Super Bowl and couldn’t, also sucked around the league for two years to long. If Cris Carter and Art Monk aren’t on the ballot to compare him to, maybe he gets in this year, but as it stands, maybe next year.

Gary Zimmerman – Tackle – 1986-1992 Minnesota Vikings, 1993-97 Denver Broncos Upside – 7 time Pro-Bowler, 9 time All-Pro. Started all 184 games he played. Has a ring with Denver. Downside – A crowded HOF class?

So now there’s only 7 names left. I’ve tipped my hand a little, but this next section are the guys that I never saw play in person, but who should be voted into the HOF.

I think they’ve earned it…

Fred Dean – Defensive End – 1975-1981 San Diego Chargers, 1981-85 San Francisco 49ers Upside – 4 time Pro-Bowler, 4 time All-Pro. Has 2 Super Bowl rings. His career high is 17.5 sacks. Downside – Played most of his career in the era when the sack was not a recorded stat, although his 4 all-pro selections indicate he got to the QB with regularity. His career was only 10 years.

Emmitt Thomas – Cornerback – 1966-1978 Kansas City Chiefs Upside – 5 time pro-bowler, 6 times All-Pro, 58 interceptions (9th all time) Played 13 years and has a super bowl ring. Downside – Yeah he’s Hall worthy. And Arthur Blank should just make him Atlanta’s Head Coach.

Bob Kuechenberg – Guard – 1970-1984 Miami Dolphins Upside – 6 time Pro-Bowler, 5 time All-Pro, 2 Super Bowl rings, and was part of 1972 undefeated Miami Dolphins. Started 176 out of 196 career games, and played for 14 years. Downside – Umm, Can you think of any?

This next section are the remaining 4 players, all of whom I had the pleasure of watching on my television. Maybe my selections have been biased by my age, but these guys are among the best I’ve ever seen.

Fuck yeah, he’s a Hall of Famer…

Derrick Thomas – Linebacker – 1989-1999 Kansas City Chiefs –Upside – 9 time pro-bowler, 8 time All-Pro, Forced 45 fumbles, an NFL record, 126.5 sacks (11th all time), Played his entire career with one team. Downside – Not even one Super Bowl appearance. Forgot to wear a seatbelt, so, uh, there’s really no rush to induct. Writing that sentence makes me feel like a piece of shit, Apologies to Gradishar, but Derrick is the best linebacker in this class.

Cris Carter – Wide Receiver – 1987-89 Philadelphia Eagles, 1990-2001 Minnesota Vikings, 2002 Miami Dolphins. Upside – 8 time Pro-Bowl selection, 4 time All-Pro selection, 130 career receiving touchdowns (2nd all-time), almost 14,000 receiving yards(6th all-time), 1101 career receptions (2nd all time). Downside – No rings.

Richard Dent – Defensive End – 1983-1993, 1995 Chicago Bears, 1994 San Francisco 49ers, 1996 Indianapolis Colts, 1997 Philadelphia Eagles Upside –4 time Pro-Bowl, 5 time All-Pro. 137.5 career sacks (5th all time) and a Super Bowl ring. Downside – Didn’t have the good grace to leave when he should have, and sucked around the league for 3 years too long.

Art ‘Fuckin’ Monk – Wide Receiver – 1980-1993 Washington Redskins, 1994 New York Jets, 1995 Philadelphia Eagles. Upside – 3 time pro-bowler, 3 time All-Pro. 12, 721 career receiving yards (12th all time), 940 career receptions (7th all time), Has a Super Bowl ring. Played 15 years. Downside – only 68 TD catches (but still 31st all time) But seriously, how have you assholes not voted this guy in yet?

Having actually gone through this process I have some sympathy for the HOF voters. How do you choose between two guys when you never saw either play? Is being biased by your personal experiences OK? It doesn’t mean that I accept Art Monk’s continual snubbing, but I think I’m closer to understanding why there’s arguments about who SHOULD’VE been voted in every year.