A Small Asian Man Shat in My Bosses Car.

21 September, 2008

But I’ll get to that later.

Week 2 Recap:

10-5 picking winners, should have been 11-4, but got boned in Denver.  Welcome to the fucked-in-the-ass club Norv.  Couldn’t have happened to man with worse neck skin.  What else is there to say about week 2 besides G#$5#(**&% Jacksonville, you disappoint me more than I disappoint my parents.  I know you have problems, and so does Indianapolis.  Both Indy and Jacksonville look like husks of the teams they could be if the starting O lines were healthy.  Also, wtf is the Seahawks problem anyway?  They have the easiest job in the NFL: Win the NFC West.  They remind of 45 year old who still lives in his parents basement.  I would say to that 45 year old Sure, you have a job dude, but there’s no room for career advancement.   I would say to the Seahawks, Draft a fucking Quarterback before Hassellbeck gets too old or you’ll be 2011’s St Louis Rams.

Week 3 Picks:

KC @ ATL – Rule #1 of the 2008 NFL Regular Season is Never Pick KC to Win.  Ever.  ATL by 7.

OAK @ BUF – Buffalo is 2-0.  God that sentence hurts to write if only because I thought they would start 0-2 and I was wrong.  will I be wrong here too?  Marshawn Lynch and Darren McFadden will combine for over 400 yards.  Goes to overtime, and a Trent Edwards fumble is ruled an incomplete pass, Bill kick a FG BUF by 3.

TB @ CHI – Garcia gets his groove back and a superior Bucs ‘D’ rapes an inferior Bears ‘O’.  Was that too sexual to be considered objective?  Allow me to rephrase that:  I hate the Bears.  Hate them Passionately.  But I recognize when they are dangerous, and with the exception of Matt Forte, the Bears have no claws.  TB by 4.

CAR @ MIN – Panthers get a second win versus the NFC North.  Gus Ferrotte gets hurt and the season long benching of Tavaris Jackson is repealed only to be reinstated after the game when the Vikings resign Brooks Bollinger.  Also, the Vikings defense is not all that good.  How many points do the Packers score if they don’t rack up 70+ penalty yards in week one, and how many points would an Indy team with a healthy o-line score in week 2?  CAR by 10.

MIA @ NE – Rule #2 of the 2008 NFL Season is officially Theory #2 of the 2007 NFL Season.  Never Ever pick the Dolphins to win.  Even if its a theory, you still win 95% of the time.  NE by 7.

CIN @ NYG – No explanation necessary, NYG by 3.

HOU @ TEN – Who’s playing good football right now and who’s not?  That’s what this pick comes down to for me, and I think it works out on a week to week basis pretty well.  If you had asked me when I was 10 who would win a battle of the Bands: The New Kids on the Block or Vanilla Ice……….Wait, where the fuck am I going with this?  TEN by 5.

ARI @ WAS – Fuck me this is the toughest game to pick this week.  Just looking at the matchup makes my head hurt.  WAS by 1 but only because I feel I have to pick someone.

DET @ SF – Also, fuck me in the ass on last weeks Niners Hawks game.  Won’t let it happen this week, Detroit sucks and they’re on the road, and Mike Martz drama, and Mike Nolan is a snazzy dresser, SF by 3.

STL @ SEA – Well shit Seattle, you’ve fucked me twice, so I guess it’s shame on me, right?  Third times the Charm, SEA by 10.

NO @ DEN – What does Mike Shanahan have in common with Sarah Palin?  A tanning bed?  Nope, they both wake up every morning and put lipstick on a pig.  The end result is that Mike can make any running back a god, and Sarah Palin raised a whore of a daughter.  DEN by 1.

PIT @ PHI – How many times should I say it this year, Philadelphia is not a good football team.  PIT by 7.

JAC @ IND – In an epic battle of rookie linemen only one team can rise up and claim that they are less disappointing than the other, and given the small size of Indy’s line I pick the boys from Florida.  JAC by 2.

CLE @ BAL – Who really cares besides people in Cleveland?  Browns got to get a win sometime, might as well be against the Ravens.  CLE by 6.

DAL @ GB – Besides the fact that I’m a total Packer Homer, I have no reason to make such a bold prediction, other than the fact that Dallas has never won at Green Bay.  Ever.  Period.  Packers by 17.

NYJ @ SD – Almost an afterthought.  NYJ by 1.

About the Title of this Post:

A small and extremely drunk asian man was stumbling around the building that houses the pizza place I work at (that’s right, I work at a pizza place), which is nothing out of the ordinary for Madison.  What was out of the ordinary is what happened after we kicked him out at 4 this morning so that we could close.  After nearly braining himself walking down the stairs he seemed to disappear into the fog of a cool Madisonian morning, and all was well, or so it seemed.  After polishing off a 12ver with the co-workers I went to the dumpster to ditch the empties and lo, there he was:  Passed out in my bosses van.  Now I know what you’re thinking, Van.  They have bench seats in the back, right?  Well my little Asian friend disdains the backseat and fell asleep across the two front captain seats, illustrated here:

So we wake him up and are greeted with the delightful fragrance that Chanel calls 5am Drunk.  After about 3 or 4 minutes of asking him, “Seriously, What the Fuck?” He gets out of the van, I go home and I think my boss called the cops.  I can’t say I blame her.

Here’s where things get interesting…

A half hour later I get a text from my boss (lets call her H) that reads:

I just had an Asian fall asleep and shit in my car.

I had earlier assumed that he had merely shit in his pants, which prompted this:

Did he shit IN the car or in his pants?

In the car.

As in dropped trou and left you a brown mound in the backseat?

No man, as in shit in his hand and left it on the floor and then past out in the van.

Ouch.  Sorry about the upholstery, H.


Why My Week 15 Picks Sucked.

17 December, 2007

After every loss there is a torrent of excuses. This week I will offer you a cascade of my very own, homemade excuses. Enjoy.

Reason #1: San Francisco managed to score 20 points for only the third time this season, while the Bengals scored less than 14 for the fourth time this season. What were the odds that both these events would take place on the same night? I put them around 1:16.

Reason #2: New Orleans was not set back as much as I had anticipated by the absence of Reggie Bush. Arizona almost kept pace, but Wisenhunt’s big balls fake punt wasn’t enough.

Reason #3: A warm weather team (Jacksonville) won a game in the snow (@ Pittsburgh). In retrospect, I should have guessed it would happen, because Jacksonville is the best running club in the NFL.

Reason #4: A cold weather team (Buffalo) totally boned one in the snow (@ Cleveland). What really chafes my ass about this one is Buffalo probably gets more snow than any other market in the NFL, and they score NO points in a blizzard. Dissapointing.

Reason #5: Rule #2 of the 2007 NFL season was violated, which officially downgrades it to Theory #2 of the 2007 NFL Season: Never pick the Miami Dolphins to win. No matter the Fin’s win, Theory #2 is still 13-1, although it let me down this week.

Reason #6: Seattle only scored 10 points. 10 freakin’ points. 10 points the week after they put up 42 on ‘Zona. Mike the Teddy Bear needs to keep his team motivated this near the playoffs, or Seattle will lose to a hot wildcard.

Reason #7: The NFC’s most prolific offense put up six whole points. Six. My only consolation was Westbrook hitting the deck instead of scoring the TD, thus icing the game, and causing thousands of fantasy football fans to curse so loudly because they needed that 6 points for that touchdown to win their playoff matchup.

Reason #8: The Giants receivers must have dropped 20+ passes in that debacle of a Sunday Night game. Maybe I am just wrong about Eli Manning. Granted a few balls were wounded ducks, but every time I looked up from my laptop some guy dressed in blue was. doing his best impression of “Hot Hands” Hanon. My biggest disappointment in this one was that Tom Coughlin didn’t have the cojones to call the Annexation of Puerto Rico. I’ll Show You Intimidation!

Reason #9: Kyle Orton.

The Bottom Line is that I went 7-9. Which sucks. DVOA goes 10-6. Standings from week 5 , through week 15 look a little like this:

DVOA – 115 – 46

Monkey – 102 – 59 (13 games back)

Your Week 14 Headlines…….Today!

6 December, 2007

Time for the man VS machine week 14 picks.  In the spirit of Pierce Brosnan Bond movies my week 14 picks will be presented as Tomorrow’s News Today.  Fantastic.


Chicago @ Washington

DVOA–>WAS by 10 %

Monkey–>Redskins Suffer Tragic Loss – The Redskins are on a short week, especially with Taylor’s funeral, they’re coming off a last second loss, and they no longer have their best defensive player.  On the other hand, the Bears offense is pathetic, they’ve lost 6 of their last 8, but on the first hand again, the ‘Skins have lost the last 4 in a row, and Joe Gibbs manages the 4th quarter like his name is Chris Webber……The coin landed heads, so Chicago by 4.


Miami @ Buffalo

DVOA–>BUF by 20.8%

Monkey–>Buffalo Wings Wounded DolphinsRule #2 of the 2007 NFL Season is never pick the Dolphins to Win.  Bills by 7.

Dallas @ Detroit

DVOA–>DAL by 59.1%

Monkey–>Detroit To Have 10 in Column Next To Win – There’s a good chance that this game could be over by halftime.  John Kitna could get sacked 4, maybe 5 times in this one.  Detroit has lost 3 by 30 or more this year, so look for a blowout, Dallas by 16.

St. Louis @ Cincinatti

DVOA–>CIN by 37.9%

Monkey–>Chad Johnson earns $10K Fine for Being Chad Johnson – I don’t see how the Rams can pull this one out on the road.  If this one was at St. Louis I’d take the Rams, but outdoors?  At Cincy?  Sorry Linehan, but even Steven Jackson won’t save you here.  Bengals by 10.

Oakland @ Green Bay

DVOA–>GB by 48.8%

Monkey–>Favre Makes Streak 250 in Blowout Win – Oakland’s Quarterback Shuffle is the counterpoint to Green Bay’s decade and a half of Quarterback Stability.  Total Packer Homer takes GB by 17.

Tampa Bay @ Houston

DVOA–>TB by 32.1%

Monkey–>Tampa Bay Gives Earnest Effort – Look for Earnest Graham to be the deciding factor in this one.  Houston is a year away from making the playoffs.  That deadly combo of Green and Dayne just can’t get it done (don’t get me wrong, I’m a big Ron Dayne fan) and Tampa’s D is too good for the Texans to handle.  Tampa Bay by 6.

Carolina @ Jacksonville

DVOA–>JAC by 43.5%

Monkey–> Vinny, Freddy Both Done For Season – How long have you been waiting to read those headlines? I seriously hope I don’t have to read that Fred Taylor blows out his knee again, or that Vinny broke his hip, it’s just that I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to fall all year.  I just can’t pick the Panthers here.  Jacksonville is too good, on both sides of the ball to lose, Jacksonville by 12.

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

DVOA–>PHI by 2.4%

Monkey–>Eli Manning Breaks Single-Game INT Mark Eagles by 3.

San Diego @ Tennessee

DVOA–>SD by 19.2%

Monkey–>Norv Turner Forgets LT is on the Chargers – Will good Vince, or Bad Vince show up this week?  Has Len Dale White been eating hot dogs three at a time?  How good would the Titans be if they had PacMan to play corner?  These questions and others will be forgotten after the inevitable Norv Turner I’m-completely-unprepared-for-this-game moment, where Chargers fans are screaming “Give it to Tomlinson!!” and Norv calls the QB keeper.  Titans by 3.

Minnesota @ San Francisco

DVOA–>MIN by 59.9%

Monkey–> ADRIAN!!!  – I seriously believe that will be the actual headline in Minnesota (I also believe that the paper’s editors will think they are being original).  As a fan of league parity, I conflicted between cheering for and against the ‘Niners…If they win out, the Pats pick drops.  If they lose out, New England won’t want to pay out top 3 $$$ and trade that pick.  Anyway, the Vikings have a decent defense, and if Childress gives AP 25+ carries, I see Minnesota by 14.

Arizona @ Seattle

DVOA–>SEA by 21.5%

Monkey–>Arizona ‘Edges’ ‘Hawks –  What’s so special about Seattle?  Cards by 1.

Pittsburgh @ New England

DVOA–>NE by 36.3%

Monkey–> Pat’s Still Perfect – Rule #1 of the 2007 NFL Season – Never Pick Against the Patriots.  New England by 10.

Kansas City @ Denver

DVOA–>DEN by 3.8%

Monkey–> Broncos Henry Celebrates Victory by Fathering 10th Child – Herman Edwards is a poor man’s Tony Dungy, Look for the Chiefs to be out of breath by the 2nd Quarter.  With the end of the whole “suspension suspense” finally dispatched, the Bronc’s will be focused, Denver by 13.

Cleveland @ New York Jets

DVOA–>CLE by 23.5%

Monkey–> Mangini Throws Phone, Injures Thomas Jones – Look for the Jets to express their frustration by acting out as the Browns get an early lead, thus nullifying the best offensive player on the jets (Thomas Jones).  Browns by 14.

Indianapolis @ Baltimore

DVOA–>IND by 34.4%

Monkey–> Bart Scott Penalized for Throwing Referee into Stands – The Colts won’t make the Patriots mistake of underestimating the Ravens.  Look for Peyton Manning to have a great game, even with Marvin Harrison probably still out.  Indy by 9.

New Orleans @ Atlanta

DVOA–>NO by 14.6%

Monkey–> Who Cares? – Saints 27 – Falcons 16

The Week 12 Monkey Vs. Machine Morbidity Report

27 November, 2007

I’ve already vented my frustrations this week, although I’m still waiting for the serenity to accept the things I cannot I can’t finish this sentence. After the easiest perfect day ever on Thanksgiving, I went a dismal 6-6 on Sunday, and bit off my nails last night through way too much scoreless football. I finish the week at 10-6, which is dissapointing for a number of reasons. Actually for 6 reasons. So how did the DVOA do? Well, after a perfect Thanksgiving the machine went? 8-5 is the answer, for a week long record of 11-5. The standings thusfar?

DVOA 11-5 (81-32 since week 5)

Monkey 10-6 (73-40 since week 5)

Which means I’m trailing a complicated mathematical formula by 8 games. In other….well its not news, but in other things, my 2 rules for the 2007 NFL regular season were almost upset by reality. Philly was actually up on New England and could have sent the game to overtime had it not been for the world’s most ill-timed interception, and Miami was in the game (if only by virtue of torrential rains and a field that resembled a mud-wrestling pit, minus two or more scantily clad women) until Pittsburgh made the final 3-0.


SO! Week 13 picks by Wednesday…