The Key To My Health

14 September, 2008

Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?  Bacon!  A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner.

I’m thinking about abandoning that whole diet plan for the Ernest Borgnine system.  I should make that a poll.


Well, the picks sucked.  Thanks to Omar for noticing.  Allow me to quote, “Wow. What a train wreck.”

Again, to summarize, forgetting the margins, my picks went 5-8, and I forgot to pick the Monday Night games.  I haven’t been so embarrassed since I was trying desperately not to fart in my 4th grade music class and the combination of sitting on a cold tile floor and sqeezing my anus as tight as possible produced a fart so long, loud and tuned to an octave above middle C that 30 pairs of eyes were immediatly drawn to me.  When my teacher asked me if there was anything I wanted to say, I said “I passed gas”, which made her very angry because she thought that I had let go a world-record sqeaker on purpose.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.  Well, I promised you the DVOA splits, but I’m a liar.  Also, you can do them yourself, I don’t care enough to really go back a week to subtract a mathematical formula’s output for team A from team B when it won’t even be DVOA until week 5.  Until then we’re stuck with DAVE.  Confused?  Go here.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.  I’m taking week one as a learning experience, and since I picked versus the DVOA from week 5 on last year, I think I’ll just do it again this year.


After all the hurricanes, complaining, spontaneous vag-oplasia (but we can’t play, it’s really rainy and windy and flooded) and subsequent rescheduling I guess there’s just the picks and splits left now, isn’t there?  Cry me a river Texas, you’re all bravado when there’s no storm, telling us that everything’s bigger there, and not to mess with you, but guess what?  Ike doesn’t give a fuck about you.  It’s a good thing Houston is America’s fattest city otherwise more citizens might have been swept away.

TEN @ CIN – The Titans suprised me and the Bengals made me really angry on week one. This one’s at Cincy and that’s good for the Bengals but they gave up 200+ yards on the ground last week which negates any kind of home field advantage.  The Titans will miss VY, but the Bengals gave up 200+ yards on the ground last week, so…   Do you see where this is going?  TEN wins by 3.

[Side Note about Vince Young and his overbearing Mother: Would you go to a friends, turn your phone off and eat fried food if the following happened to you in the course of a day? First you get hurt at work, then it looks like your employer didn’t need you to succeed, then a whole bunch of strangers with cameras and microphones ask you what its like to hurt and worthless and then you go home and there’s half a dozen female relatives all asking you what’s the matter, and saying what’s WRONG WITH YOU, AND CHEER UP, AND OMFG I’M GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF IF YOU HAGS DON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW, QUIT TALKING ABOUT ME,  I’M GOING OUT and then your mom calls the cops on you.  Vince, we understand.]

GB @ DET – Detroit couldn’t beat a red-headed step child who was also a dead horse.  GB by 10.

OAK @ KC – my 1st rule of the 2008 NFL Season is never ever pick KC to win.  OAK by 4.

NYG @ STL – The Generic Show on Turf can be dangerous at home.  I can see this one going down to the wire.  NY’s d-line is not what was 8 months ago, and Steven Jackson is still waiting for that post-injury breakout stretch that I know is coming.  I gotta go with Giants but not by a whole lot, NYG by 3.

IND @ MIN – Umm, I think Indy shit the bed on purpose last week just to spite me.  They knew that they could embarass me by proving my pick wrong and they could enrage me by giving Chicago a win.  But I also have Grandiose Delusions (which are different from my delusions of granduer)  IND by 14.

NO @ WAS – Who cares?  Should I pick a home team soon?  Nah.  NO by 3.

CHI @ CAR – Here’s where I pick a home team, if only because I want Chicago to lose so badly that I would sell my firstborn into white slavery to ensure a 4-12 record every year for the Bears.  CAR by 3.

BUF @ JAC – Ugly is a word that one might use to describe Tommy Lee Jones, Janet Reno, and the Jaguars week 1 performance.  No way this happens to me two weeks in a row.  JAC by 10.

SF @ SEA – Taking the home team again.  Seattle is just plain better than San Fran.  SEA by 13.

ATL @ TB – I’m still a Jeff Garcia mark, also, Tampa’s D is much better than Detroits, so I’ll take TB by 7.

NE @ NYJ – In a Jets Pats series with no Tom Brady I have to call it a home and home split.  NYJ by 1.

MIA @ ARI – God, who has to watch this game anyway?  I would rather pick my eye boogers with a Buck Knife than have anything to do with this game.  Someone has to win, right?  ARI by 1.

SD @ DEN – Tough game to pick.  There’s only one thing for certain, Denver fans wish this game was going to be played in November or December.  On that note, SD by 2.

PIT @ CLE – Steelers are gonna kick the shit out of the Browns, giving new meaning to the phrase “Mistake by the Lake”  PIT by 14.

PHI @ DAL – I know now that I picked the opposite of what everyone else did as far as Philly’s season is concerned, but I stand by the prediction of 4th place finish for the Eagles, and that starts today, DAL by 7.

Ahh, I’ll do the DAVE splits later…..Here’s a sexy picture of Amy Smart…