Dear KSK, Please go %$#@ Yourselves.

8 April, 2008

Wow. Y’all at KSK consider yourselves the kings of scathingly ironic football commentary, don’t you? Here’s the problem, you aren’t and you don’t even know why. Allow me to explain it through a series of insults, facts, and your own words.

I’ve been meaning to cancel my subscription to Sports Illustrated. Do I really need to know what Kristis Yamaguchi’s favorite food to microwave is? No, I do not. (She said “leftovers,” which isn’t even a fucking specific food. What a whore.) But I need something to read while I’m burning 5 calories an hour on the elliptical at the gym. (It does all the working out for you!)

The elliptical at the gym? I guess it must be a good place to meet guys.

But it’s clear now that I should spend my gym time reading whatever copy of Redbook someone left lying around instead. Because this week’s issue of SI contained a handful of letters to the editor regarding Brett Favre’s retirement that made me want to swallow my own head. And since I had to read this incredible dogshit, you do too.

Yeah, the copy of Redbook “someone” left “lying around”. Just be honest with yourself, it has your name and address on the label. FYI, no one said you HAD to read anything. You sound exactly like the assholes that report obscenities on the radio. “I was minding my own business when the bad man said crap! I was traumatized!” Come off it, no one made you read a damn thing. You read it because you wanted to. You wanted to read the letters so that you wouldn’t have to come up with a new shtick.

Watching his play and his life for 17 years, we didn’t just see Brett Favre in that Number 4 jersey. We saw our uncle, our brother-in-law, or our fishing buddy. No, Brett wasn’t the greatest quarterback ever to have played. He was just the greatest GUY to ever play quarterback. We’re going to miss you, Brett.

-Scott Powell, Rexford, NY

I… I can’t even… must fight… homicidal urges…

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? YOU MUST BE SHITTING ME. YOU BE OPENING MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW AND SHITTING DIRECTLY INTO IT.

Wow, hyperbole much? At least now I know how you got to be so full of shit.

Here’s who Brett Favre was, Scotty. He was a very good, durable quarterback. Many times, you may have enjoyed watching him play the game with great skill and creativity. When he wasn’t throwing more interceptions than any player in league history. Other than that, you, Scotty Powell, KNOW FUCKING DICK ABOUT BRETT FAVRE. He’s a fucking stranger to you. For all you know, he boned your niece back at Southern Miss after hitting the ‘shine bong. YOU AREN’T FUCKING RELATED TO HIM. HE’S NOT YOUR GODDAMN POKER BUDDY. “Oooh, look at Brett! He likes to hunt! And he has stubble! He’s so much like me, it’s scary!” Jesus.

Nothing quite like a straw man is there? Baggin’ on Scotty because he liked Brett Favre and felt like he could identify with a guy that showed up for work everyday for the last 17 years and never called in sick. It’s not that Scotty doesn’t know dick about Brett Favre outside of his on-field accomplishments either. Scotty probably knows that Favre had a big section of intestine removed during his college career because of an accident. He probably knows that Deanna is Brett’s wife, and that they dated in high school. Scotty probably knows about how Brett’s brother in-law died in an ATV accident, and how Deanna had breast cancer. Also, Scotty would probably be honored if Favre banged his sister. We’ll get back to that “more interceptions than any other player in league history” thing in just a minute.

“Do you know Vince Vaughn? Have you ever met him? I feel like we’d really get along well. I just… he seems like a fun guy. I feel like we’d hang together well.”

This whole thing looks more and more like projection on your part.

There’s no tangible evidence that Brett Favre is a better person than Trent Dilfer, Jim Kelly, or hundreds of other people who have played the position. Maybe one day, I pray, we’ll be able to do a blood test for Kindness and Warmth. But, until that day, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.

But wait. There’s more.

Actually, Trent Dilfer is a pretty good guy. He always tried to do the right thing, be a good husband and father, and then lost his 5 year old to disease. I’m sure that fans of the teams that Dilfer played for are familiar with the whole situation, but most of them aren’t too busy looking for an excuse to dust off the text version of an Asian accent to appreciate that everyone has problems, no matter their station.

People would laugh when I said “we” won or lost a game because “You’re not part of the team. You didn’t win or lose.” But I always felt like Brett Favre played for me, the fan, so, yes, we did, win and lose together. Every emotion I felt, I felt with him. Brett, enjoy your retirement. We love you, respect you, and, most of all, we will miss you.

-Anna Garcia, Arbuckle, CA

Actually, Anna, the people laughing at you were on to something. For you see, Brett Favre signed a contract with the Green Bay Packers that stipulated he play football in exchange for money and possible health benefits. It’s in writing. I SWEAR. I’m quite sure Favre was pleased to see fans happy with a Packer victory. Know who else felt the same way? EVERY OTHER PLAYER ON THE TEAM. “Omigod! He won that game just for me!” “Omigod! He felt sad after a loss! I felt the exact same way!” “Omigod! He’s jumping up and down after a touchdown! I DO THAT!”

Indeed. Amazing.

Most every sports fan has at one point used the royal ‘we’. You see, Anna knows that she isn’t actually part of the team, she just feels as though she is. You see, guy, there’s a quality some people have called charisma. I guess your point is “How dare you identify with your favorite player on your favorite team.”

The NBA will never replace Michael Jordan, and the NFL will never replace Brett Favre.

-Craig Earl, North Logan, Utah

Actually, Craig. They replaced him well before he retired. Ever watch Tom Brady or Peyton Manning play quarterback? They’re just like Favre, only they don’t throw 500 ill-advised, back-breaking interceptions a year! Who knew you could have your cake and eat it too?

The thing is, other players may be of the same caliber, but they’ll never BE Michael Jordan or Brett Favre, just like Jordan was never Pistol Pete and LeBron will never be Jordan. Same thing with Favre. He’ll never be Joe Montana, and Tom Brady will never be Favre. Every truly gifted player leaves his own mark, and every one is unique.

Alright, I think its time to address this bullshit about the 288 INTs. Here’s the top 5 in career INTs, along with their attempts per pick.

attempts per INT

266 – Tarkenton – 24.312

267 – Testaverde – 25.0974

268 – Hadl – 17.4888

277 – Blanda – 14.4657

288 – Favre – 30.4097

Oh, and guess who else is in the top ten… Dan Marino. It’s a natural function of playing for 17 years. Over the 16 seasons Favre started he averaged 18 picks a season. Oh, and if Peyton Manning throws picks at the same rate for another 6 years he’ll have 245 on his career. Also, Craig’s letter implies that he wants the cake, but that it will never be eaten.

Do you know what’s happening here? Brett Favre has officially become just like fucking Barbaro. A bunch of retard fans, easily swayed by the “special” status bestowed upon Favre by the media, have begun making all sorts of baseless emotional connections with him. He was more than a quarterback! He was a family member! He attended my wedding in spirit! We have imaginary children together! Our lives are incredibly intertwined!

Enough already. You didn’t know Brett Favre, and he didn’t know you. He played for the team you liked and he was good at it. So much so that he became your favorite player. That’s neat. But you wouldn’t have known him any better if he had been a fucking horse. You admired him from afar. That’s it.

If that isn’t enough for your emotional needs, buy a fucking dog.

Yeah, Drew, we’re all retarded here in Wisconsin. We only discovered how to isolate and grow stem cells. 16 years of Sundays he was on almost every TV in the state, so yeah, people are sad to see him go. You should let them have that attachment, but you begrudge them their fandom. For a guy who seems to think he’s smarter than everyone else I think you missed the point. Writing a post that compares Favre to Barbaro is indeed ironic, but only because all you’re doing now is beating a dead fucking horse.

Go Fuck Yourself,

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How to Get Your School an Extra Football Scholarship

7 April, 2008

Make him play basketball too.

boombalatty

Of course if you do some research you’ll find that Pierre Niles plays his basketball under an alias, as there is no Niles listed on the Memphis football roster. Occam’s Razor would tell me that Pierre only plays basketball, but I have a hard time believing that a 310 lb man who stands 6-8 is only a forward and not a left tackle as well. As I write this Memphis leads by 4 by 6. God bless the fat man, you give hope to 63% of America. On that note, I think I’ll have a sandwich.


Wait. That’s not how you spell College…

7 April, 2008


Clean Sweep and Thin Mints.

7 April, 2008

On a day such as this I feel I must reflect on a clean sweep of the Giants. The Crew did it in impressive fashion, and Ben Sheets looked fantastic in the third game. Too bad he’s now 9 innings closer to a 60 day trip to the DL, no? So many runs, so many hits, and a Gagne save. The expected and unexpected collided. Even more unexpected was getting my oil changed and my taxes filed in between the 2nd and 7th inning yesterday. The most unexpected? H&R Block playing the game on their muzak system. I promise further reflections later today, as long as you tune in to ESPN to see the French riot police and then compare them to the uniforms from 2002’s Rollerball.

Also, here is something people can will waste their money on…


Game Day.

5 April, 2008

It’s 12:07 and Manny Parra throws a strike for his first pitch of the day. Given that Benjie Molina is the Giants clean up hitter I feel pretty good about todays game. Parra gets the first two outs to put a smile on my face. Until just now I had no idea that Randy Winn was still in the bigs. I kind of feel sorry for Bruce Bochy because no one could manage 65 wins with San Francisco’s lineup. Giants go 3 up 3 down and the Brewers will get to bat. Kevin Correia is pitching for SF, and he’s perhaps a bright spot for them. Will he be the Bays next Jason Schmidt or the next Merkin Valdez? I wonder if Merkin’s parents knew what a Merkin is when they named him. Prince Fielder grounds into a DP to end the inning. And yes, I know what else DP can stand for.

Damn you WordPress, with your non functional link adder. I know I could just edit the HTML, but I’m lazy and lazy people don’t writ HTML code when they’re as tired as I am. Molina ends up getting an extra base on a wild throw from Counsell. Cest la ‘vive, No? Potential web gem for Fielder? Maybe an athletic catch by a fat man just seems more impressive than if a more lithe player had made it.

I can feel a nap coming on. I’ll try to make it, but I don’t know if I can.

End of the Giants 2nd. Parra has 3 strikeouts so far. Interesting note: Counsell’s error was the Crew’s first of the season.

Crew get the first 2 on with noone out in the bottom of the 2nd. Correia looked good in the 1st, but not so much against the last two batters. I think that Braun ripping one into left may have shaken him a bit. A fielders choice gets Braun at third, but Hart out-hustles the double play attempt. I guess now its time to see if Mike Rivera can hit.  Shitty.  Bill Hall just got thrown out stealing third.  at least Cory Hart is on 2nd, but none of this matters if Rivera goes down.

WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA’AM!!  Rivera flubs one in the infield grass, almost like a bunt, and the throw to first was wide by 5 feet, Cory Hart scored from second. Add this moment to the already long Giants blooper reel.  Bad Luck or Incompetence?  You Decide.


The Best Part of Staying Up…

5 April, 2008

is getting home just as the sun rises, knowing full well that the Brewers play at noon, and I have a new episode of Battlestar Galactica to watch. I only wish that I had spent the last 12 hours doing something that anyone might consider ‘fun’. I mean, there were the deliveries to the Wisconsin High School Football Coaches Association’s convention at the Marriott. If y’all want to have some fun, or at the very least drink until you’re belligerent, I suggest A High School Football Coaches Convention. It doesn’t matter which state you live in, just go. And bring a camera. And Beer. Lots and lots of beer.

The Monkey\'s new hatso here is a reason to love Canada and their crazy idea to make the football field longer, and increase the number of players on the field.  The best idea  any Americans had (after the XFL, of course) is to play football indoors on a field the size of a hockey rink.  There’s a reason why some people resist change, Arena Football being only a small example.  My example would be how I was getting along just fine with the old WordPress interface.  I didn’t mind typing in align=”left” to turn on word wrappping.  I really didn’t.  Then some-one decided to change the entire way I do (non) business.  Now I hardly recognize this website.  I may be for Obama, but I’d vote for “stay the course” candidate to run WordPress.

And now to change the subject completely and suddenly, The Brewers whaled on the Giants yesterday, doing their part to erase the awful memory of the last time a team called the Giants played a Wisconsin franchise.  Villanueva looked good, as did the Brewers offense and now Parra will get a turn to tune-up against a Cleveland-Indians-In-Major-League-esque Giants squad at noon today.  Until then, good day.


Last Chance to Sweep.

3 April, 2008

Brewers are down 3 in the top of the 9th.  3 more outs to sweep the Cubs and open the season on the best possible note.  It’s only with trepidation that I believe its good news that Kerry Wood is coming on to close the game, even after his game one performance.  Win or lose I have to leave for work before the game will be over.

2 outs left for the Crew as Corey Hart Ks.  Wood seems to have some confidence back, he’s throwing strikes today.  Hardy grounds out, and the Brewers have one out left.  Crew gets a double and now is when Jason Kendall can earn his money.  Confident Kerry left and Kendall has a 3-1 count to work with here.

Here is something for Cubs fans to think about. 

It’s over on a called strike.  Way to earn the highest salary on the team Jason.

I have to work now, try to keep it together.