A Small Asian Man Shat in My Bosses Car.

21 September, 2008

But I’ll get to that later.

Week 2 Recap:

10-5 picking winners, should have been 11-4, but got boned in Denver.  Welcome to the fucked-in-the-ass club Norv.  Couldn’t have happened to man with worse neck skin.  What else is there to say about week 2 besides G#$5#(**&% Jacksonville, you disappoint me more than I disappoint my parents.  I know you have problems, and so does Indianapolis.  Both Indy and Jacksonville look like husks of the teams they could be if the starting O lines were healthy.  Also, wtf is the Seahawks problem anyway?  They have the easiest job in the NFL: Win the NFC West.  They remind of 45 year old who still lives in his parents basement.  I would say to that 45 year old Sure, you have a job dude, but there’s no room for career advancement.   I would say to the Seahawks, Draft a fucking Quarterback before Hassellbeck gets too old or you’ll be 2011’s St Louis Rams.

Week 3 Picks:

KC @ ATL – Rule #1 of the 2008 NFL Regular Season is Never Pick KC to Win.  Ever.  ATL by 7.

OAK @ BUF – Buffalo is 2-0.  God that sentence hurts to write if only because I thought they would start 0-2 and I was wrong.  will I be wrong here too?  Marshawn Lynch and Darren McFadden will combine for over 400 yards.  Goes to overtime, and a Trent Edwards fumble is ruled an incomplete pass, Bill kick a FG BUF by 3.

TB @ CHI – Garcia gets his groove back and a superior Bucs ‘D’ rapes an inferior Bears ‘O’.  Was that too sexual to be considered objective?  Allow me to rephrase that:  I hate the Bears.  Hate them Passionately.  But I recognize when they are dangerous, and with the exception of Matt Forte, the Bears have no claws.  TB by 4.

CAR @ MIN – Panthers get a second win versus the NFC North.  Gus Ferrotte gets hurt and the season long benching of Tavaris Jackson is repealed only to be reinstated after the game when the Vikings resign Brooks Bollinger.  Also, the Vikings defense is not all that good.  How many points do the Packers score if they don’t rack up 70+ penalty yards in week one, and how many points would an Indy team with a healthy o-line score in week 2?  CAR by 10.

MIA @ NE – Rule #2 of the 2008 NFL Season is officially Theory #2 of the 2007 NFL Season.  Never Ever pick the Dolphins to win.  Even if its a theory, you still win 95% of the time.  NE by 7.

CIN @ NYG – No explanation necessary, NYG by 3.

HOU @ TEN – Who’s playing good football right now and who’s not?  That’s what this pick comes down to for me, and I think it works out on a week to week basis pretty well.  If you had asked me when I was 10 who would win a battle of the Bands: The New Kids on the Block or Vanilla Ice……….Wait, where the fuck am I going with this?  TEN by 5.

ARI @ WAS – Fuck me this is the toughest game to pick this week.  Just looking at the matchup makes my head hurt.  WAS by 1 but only because I feel I have to pick someone.

DET @ SF – Also, fuck me in the ass on last weeks Niners Hawks game.  Won’t let it happen this week, Detroit sucks and they’re on the road, and Mike Martz drama, and Mike Nolan is a snazzy dresser, SF by 3.

STL @ SEA – Well shit Seattle, you’ve fucked me twice, so I guess it’s shame on me, right?  Third times the Charm, SEA by 10.

NO @ DEN – What does Mike Shanahan have in common with Sarah Palin?  A tanning bed?  Nope, they both wake up every morning and put lipstick on a pig.  The end result is that Mike can make any running back a god, and Sarah Palin raised a whore of a daughter.  DEN by 1.

PIT @ PHI – How many times should I say it this year, Philadelphia is not a good football team.  PIT by 7.

JAC @ IND – In an epic battle of rookie linemen only one team can rise up and claim that they are less disappointing than the other, and given the small size of Indy’s line I pick the boys from Florida.  JAC by 2.

CLE @ BAL – Who really cares besides people in Cleveland?  Browns got to get a win sometime, might as well be against the Ravens.  CLE by 6.

DAL @ GB – Besides the fact that I’m a total Packer Homer, I have no reason to make such a bold prediction, other than the fact that Dallas has never won at Green Bay.  Ever.  Period.  Packers by 17.

NYJ @ SD – Almost an afterthought.  NYJ by 1.

About the Title of this Post:

A small and extremely drunk asian man was stumbling around the building that houses the pizza place I work at (that’s right, I work at a pizza place), which is nothing out of the ordinary for Madison.  What was out of the ordinary is what happened after we kicked him out at 4 this morning so that we could close.  After nearly braining himself walking down the stairs he seemed to disappear into the fog of a cool Madisonian morning, and all was well, or so it seemed.  After polishing off a 12ver with the co-workers I went to the dumpster to ditch the empties and lo, there he was:  Passed out in my bosses van.  Now I know what you’re thinking, Van.  They have bench seats in the back, right?  Well my little Asian friend disdains the backseat and fell asleep across the two front captain seats, illustrated here:

So we wake him up and are greeted with the delightful fragrance that Chanel calls 5am Drunk.  After about 3 or 4 minutes of asking him, “Seriously, What the Fuck?” He gets out of the van, I go home and I think my boss called the cops.  I can’t say I blame her.

Here’s where things get interesting…

A half hour later I get a text from my boss (lets call her H) that reads:

I just had an Asian fall asleep and shit in my car.

I had earlier assumed that he had merely shit in his pants, which prompted this:

Did he shit IN the car or in his pants?

In the car.

As in dropped trou and left you a brown mound in the backseat?

No man, as in shit in his hand and left it on the floor and then past out in the van.

Ouch.  Sorry about the upholstery, H.

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The Key To My Health

14 September, 2008

Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?  Bacon!  A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner.

I’m thinking about abandoning that whole diet plan for the Ernest Borgnine system.  I should make that a poll.

WEEK ONE AFTERMATH

Well, the picks sucked.  Thanks to Omar for noticing.  Allow me to quote, “Wow. What a train wreck.”

Again, to summarize, forgetting the margins, my picks went 5-8, and I forgot to pick the Monday Night games.  I haven’t been so embarrassed since I was trying desperately not to fart in my 4th grade music class and the combination of sitting on a cold tile floor and sqeezing my anus as tight as possible produced a fart so long, loud and tuned to an octave above middle C that 30 pairs of eyes were immediatly drawn to me.  When my teacher asked me if there was anything I wanted to say, I said “I passed gas”, which made her very angry because she thought that I had let go a world-record sqeaker on purpose.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.  Well, I promised you the DVOA splits, but I’m a liar.  Also, you can do them yourself, I don’t care enough to really go back a week to subtract a mathematical formula’s output for team A from team B when it won’t even be DVOA until week 5.  Until then we’re stuck with DAVE.  Confused?  Go here.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.  I’m taking week one as a learning experience, and since I picked versus the DVOA from week 5 on last year, I think I’ll just do it again this year.

WEEK 2 – THREE HOURS FROM NOW

After all the hurricanes, complaining, spontaneous vag-oplasia (but we can’t play, it’s really rainy and windy and flooded) and subsequent rescheduling I guess there’s just the picks and splits left now, isn’t there?  Cry me a river Texas, you’re all bravado when there’s no storm, telling us that everything’s bigger there, and not to mess with you, but guess what?  Ike doesn’t give a fuck about you.  It’s a good thing Houston is America’s fattest city otherwise more citizens might have been swept away.

TEN @ CIN – The Titans suprised me and the Bengals made me really angry on week one. This one’s at Cincy and that’s good for the Bengals but they gave up 200+ yards on the ground last week which negates any kind of home field advantage.  The Titans will miss VY, but the Bengals gave up 200+ yards on the ground last week, so…   Do you see where this is going?  TEN wins by 3.

[Side Note about Vince Young and his overbearing Mother: Would you go to a friends, turn your phone off and eat fried food if the following happened to you in the course of a day? First you get hurt at work, then it looks like your employer didn’t need you to succeed, then a whole bunch of strangers with cameras and microphones ask you what its like to hurt and worthless and then you go home and there’s half a dozen female relatives all asking you what’s the matter, and saying what’s WRONG WITH YOU, AND CHEER UP, AND OMFG I’M GOING TO SHOOT MYSELF IF YOU HAGS DON’T SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW, QUIT TALKING ABOUT ME,  I’M GOING OUT and then your mom calls the cops on you.  Vince, we understand.]

GB @ DET – Detroit couldn’t beat a red-headed step child who was also a dead horse.  GB by 10.

OAK @ KC – my 1st rule of the 2008 NFL Season is never ever pick KC to win.  OAK by 4.

NYG @ STL – The Generic Show on Turf can be dangerous at home.  I can see this one going down to the wire.  NY’s d-line is not what was 8 months ago, and Steven Jackson is still waiting for that post-injury breakout stretch that I know is coming.  I gotta go with Giants but not by a whole lot, NYG by 3.

IND @ MIN – Umm, I think Indy shit the bed on purpose last week just to spite me.  They knew that they could embarass me by proving my pick wrong and they could enrage me by giving Chicago a win.  But I also have Grandiose Delusions (which are different from my delusions of granduer)  IND by 14.

NO @ WAS – Who cares?  Should I pick a home team soon?  Nah.  NO by 3.

CHI @ CAR – Here’s where I pick a home team, if only because I want Chicago to lose so badly that I would sell my firstborn into white slavery to ensure a 4-12 record every year for the Bears.  CAR by 3.

BUF @ JAC – Ugly is a word that one might use to describe Tommy Lee Jones, Janet Reno, and the Jaguars week 1 performance.  No way this happens to me two weeks in a row.  JAC by 10.

SF @ SEA – Taking the home team again.  Seattle is just plain better than San Fran.  SEA by 13.

ATL @ TB – I’m still a Jeff Garcia mark, also, Tampa’s D is much better than Detroits, so I’ll take TB by 7.

NE @ NYJ – In a Jets Pats series with no Tom Brady I have to call it a home and home split.  NYJ by 1.

MIA @ ARI – God, who has to watch this game anyway?  I would rather pick my eye boogers with a Buck Knife than have anything to do with this game.  Someone has to win, right?  ARI by 1.

SD @ DEN – Tough game to pick.  There’s only one thing for certain, Denver fans wish this game was going to be played in November or December.  On that note, SD by 2.

PIT @ CLE – Steelers are gonna kick the shit out of the Browns, giving new meaning to the phrase “Mistake by the Lake”  PIT by 14.

PHI @ DAL – I know now that I picked the opposite of what everyone else did as far as Philly’s season is concerned, but I stand by the prediction of 4th place finish for the Eagles, and that starts today, DAL by 7.

Ahh, I’ll do the DAVE splits later…..Here’s a sexy picture of Amy Smart…


168 Hours in the Week.

20 April, 2008

I’m going to be short.  Brewers good, Bucks bad, Packers draft soon.  I promise to write about these things soon.  I think I may work too much.  Now, Math.

7 days at 24 hours = 168 hours in the week

168 – 62 hours on the clock = 102 hours left.

102 – 6 hours of weekly commute = 96 hours left.

96 – (8.5 hours sleep a night * 7 nights) = 36.5 hours left.

36.5 – 7 hours of time spent in the bathroom = 29.5 hours left.

29.5 – 4.5 hours spent cooking/eating = 25 hours left.

25 – 3 hours shopping/waiting in line = 22 hours left.

22 – 9 hours watching the Brewers on TV = 13 hours left.

13 – 2 hours of laundry = 11 hours left.

11 – 10 hours of chasin’ tail/drinking/general bad behaviour = 1 hour left

1 – 30 minutes to write this = half hour left for actualy writing about sports.


What Could Possibly More Depressing?

12 April, 2008

What could be more depressing than a 3 game skid for the Crew?  Milwaukee seems to be bumbling its way through a second consecutive series and frankly they’ve looked like shit after the 6th inning in the last three games.  So what could possibly be worse than that?

Signing the “I won’t let him drive for 12 hours” form after a co-worker gets pulled over for a DUI.  I guess that’s not the bad part of the situation.  The truly depressing portion is the realization that I will have to cover his Saturday shift instead of trying to find a special lady friend.  I’m fucked.  The only consolation I have is that there isn’t a picture like this of me…

it\'s easy to tell when you\'re way too drunk to drive


Dear KSK, Please go %$#@ Yourselves.

8 April, 2008

Wow. Y’all at KSK consider yourselves the kings of scathingly ironic football commentary, don’t you? Here’s the problem, you aren’t and you don’t even know why. Allow me to explain it through a series of insults, facts, and your own words.

I’ve been meaning to cancel my subscription to Sports Illustrated. Do I really need to know what Kristis Yamaguchi’s favorite food to microwave is? No, I do not. (She said “leftovers,” which isn’t even a fucking specific food. What a whore.) But I need something to read while I’m burning 5 calories an hour on the elliptical at the gym. (It does all the working out for you!)

The elliptical at the gym? I guess it must be a good place to meet guys.

But it’s clear now that I should spend my gym time reading whatever copy of Redbook someone left lying around instead. Because this week’s issue of SI contained a handful of letters to the editor regarding Brett Favre’s retirement that made me want to swallow my own head. And since I had to read this incredible dogshit, you do too.

Yeah, the copy of Redbook “someone” left “lying around”. Just be honest with yourself, it has your name and address on the label. FYI, no one said you HAD to read anything. You sound exactly like the assholes that report obscenities on the radio. “I was minding my own business when the bad man said crap! I was traumatized!” Come off it, no one made you read a damn thing. You read it because you wanted to. You wanted to read the letters so that you wouldn’t have to come up with a new shtick.

Watching his play and his life for 17 years, we didn’t just see Brett Favre in that Number 4 jersey. We saw our uncle, our brother-in-law, or our fishing buddy. No, Brett wasn’t the greatest quarterback ever to have played. He was just the greatest GUY to ever play quarterback. We’re going to miss you, Brett.

-Scott Powell, Rexford, NY

I… I can’t even… must fight… homicidal urges…

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? YOU MUST BE SHITTING ME. YOU BE OPENING MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW AND SHITTING DIRECTLY INTO IT.

Wow, hyperbole much? At least now I know how you got to be so full of shit.

Here’s who Brett Favre was, Scotty. He was a very good, durable quarterback. Many times, you may have enjoyed watching him play the game with great skill and creativity. When he wasn’t throwing more interceptions than any player in league history. Other than that, you, Scotty Powell, KNOW FUCKING DICK ABOUT BRETT FAVRE. He’s a fucking stranger to you. For all you know, he boned your niece back at Southern Miss after hitting the ‘shine bong. YOU AREN’T FUCKING RELATED TO HIM. HE’S NOT YOUR GODDAMN POKER BUDDY. “Oooh, look at Brett! He likes to hunt! And he has stubble! He’s so much like me, it’s scary!” Jesus.

Nothing quite like a straw man is there? Baggin’ on Scotty because he liked Brett Favre and felt like he could identify with a guy that showed up for work everyday for the last 17 years and never called in sick. It’s not that Scotty doesn’t know dick about Brett Favre outside of his on-field accomplishments either. Scotty probably knows that Favre had a big section of intestine removed during his college career because of an accident. He probably knows that Deanna is Brett’s wife, and that they dated in high school. Scotty probably knows about how Brett’s brother in-law died in an ATV accident, and how Deanna had breast cancer. Also, Scotty would probably be honored if Favre banged his sister. We’ll get back to that “more interceptions than any other player in league history” thing in just a minute.

“Do you know Vince Vaughn? Have you ever met him? I feel like we’d really get along well. I just… he seems like a fun guy. I feel like we’d hang together well.”

This whole thing looks more and more like projection on your part.

There’s no tangible evidence that Brett Favre is a better person than Trent Dilfer, Jim Kelly, or hundreds of other people who have played the position. Maybe one day, I pray, we’ll be able to do a blood test for Kindness and Warmth. But, until that day, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.

But wait. There’s more.

Actually, Trent Dilfer is a pretty good guy. He always tried to do the right thing, be a good husband and father, and then lost his 5 year old to disease. I’m sure that fans of the teams that Dilfer played for are familiar with the whole situation, but most of them aren’t too busy looking for an excuse to dust off the text version of an Asian accent to appreciate that everyone has problems, no matter their station.

People would laugh when I said “we” won or lost a game because “You’re not part of the team. You didn’t win or lose.” But I always felt like Brett Favre played for me, the fan, so, yes, we did, win and lose together. Every emotion I felt, I felt with him. Brett, enjoy your retirement. We love you, respect you, and, most of all, we will miss you.

-Anna Garcia, Arbuckle, CA

Actually, Anna, the people laughing at you were on to something. For you see, Brett Favre signed a contract with the Green Bay Packers that stipulated he play football in exchange for money and possible health benefits. It’s in writing. I SWEAR. I’m quite sure Favre was pleased to see fans happy with a Packer victory. Know who else felt the same way? EVERY OTHER PLAYER ON THE TEAM. “Omigod! He won that game just for me!” “Omigod! He felt sad after a loss! I felt the exact same way!” “Omigod! He’s jumping up and down after a touchdown! I DO THAT!”

Indeed. Amazing.

Most every sports fan has at one point used the royal ‘we’. You see, Anna knows that she isn’t actually part of the team, she just feels as though she is. You see, guy, there’s a quality some people have called charisma. I guess your point is “How dare you identify with your favorite player on your favorite team.”

The NBA will never replace Michael Jordan, and the NFL will never replace Brett Favre.

-Craig Earl, North Logan, Utah

Actually, Craig. They replaced him well before he retired. Ever watch Tom Brady or Peyton Manning play quarterback? They’re just like Favre, only they don’t throw 500 ill-advised, back-breaking interceptions a year! Who knew you could have your cake and eat it too?

The thing is, other players may be of the same caliber, but they’ll never BE Michael Jordan or Brett Favre, just like Jordan was never Pistol Pete and LeBron will never be Jordan. Same thing with Favre. He’ll never be Joe Montana, and Tom Brady will never be Favre. Every truly gifted player leaves his own mark, and every one is unique.

Alright, I think its time to address this bullshit about the 288 INTs. Here’s the top 5 in career INTs, along with their attempts per pick.

attempts per INT

266 – Tarkenton – 24.312

267 – Testaverde – 25.0974

268 – Hadl – 17.4888

277 – Blanda – 14.4657

288 – Favre – 30.4097

Oh, and guess who else is in the top ten… Dan Marino. It’s a natural function of playing for 17 years. Over the 16 seasons Favre started he averaged 18 picks a season. Oh, and if Peyton Manning throws picks at the same rate for another 6 years he’ll have 245 on his career. Also, Craig’s letter implies that he wants the cake, but that it will never be eaten.

Do you know what’s happening here? Brett Favre has officially become just like fucking Barbaro. A bunch of retard fans, easily swayed by the “special” status bestowed upon Favre by the media, have begun making all sorts of baseless emotional connections with him. He was more than a quarterback! He was a family member! He attended my wedding in spirit! We have imaginary children together! Our lives are incredibly intertwined!

Enough already. You didn’t know Brett Favre, and he didn’t know you. He played for the team you liked and he was good at it. So much so that he became your favorite player. That’s neat. But you wouldn’t have known him any better if he had been a fucking horse. You admired him from afar. That’s it.

If that isn’t enough for your emotional needs, buy a fucking dog.

Yeah, Drew, we’re all retarded here in Wisconsin. We only discovered how to isolate and grow stem cells. 16 years of Sundays he was on almost every TV in the state, so yeah, people are sad to see him go. You should let them have that attachment, but you begrudge them their fandom. For a guy who seems to think he’s smarter than everyone else I think you missed the point. Writing a post that compares Favre to Barbaro is indeed ironic, but only because all you’re doing now is beating a dead fucking horse.

Go Fuck Yourself,


Wait. That’s not how you spell College…

7 April, 2008


Clean Sweep and Thin Mints.

7 April, 2008

On a day such as this I feel I must reflect on a clean sweep of the Giants. The Crew did it in impressive fashion, and Ben Sheets looked fantastic in the third game. Too bad he’s now 9 innings closer to a 60 day trip to the DL, no? So many runs, so many hits, and a Gagne save. The expected and unexpected collided. Even more unexpected was getting my oil changed and my taxes filed in between the 2nd and 7th inning yesterday. The most unexpected? H&R Block playing the game on their muzak system. I promise further reflections later today, as long as you tune in to ESPN to see the French riot police and then compare them to the uniforms from 2002’s Rollerball.

Also, here is something people can will waste their money on…