What about Blog?

6 September, 2008

Yes it’s been a long long time since I last posted anything and even longer since I posted anything worth reading.  Yet the hits keep going up.  Geometrically.  So why am I posting anything at all?  And why haven’t I posted since a long time ago?  Why am I asking questions that no one (myself included) cares to answer, or even would like to hear the answer to?  On to Stuff.

Yet Another NFL Season Begins

Which can mean only one thing.  Everyone and Gregg Easterbrook’s mother will be predicting how each and every team will finish, which teams will make the playoffs, and who will win the game played between the worlds most expensive advertising spots.  Why should I be any different?  And when will I stop asking questions that…oh.  I already asked that one.

NFL Regular Season Predictions

Yes, I’ll do it like everyone else, division by division.  It may be the missionary position of NFL preseason naval gazing, but it’s tried and true, No?

AFC North

1st – Steelers – Yep, it’s been a rough baseball season in the Steel City this year, but at least the Steelers are the class of this division.  Of course that’s a little like not being a dead-beat dad: It’s a good thing, but everyone expects you to pay child support.  But seriously, this is the only team here that has both an offense and a defense.

2nd – Ravens – A second place finish is in line for Baltimore, who, like most years, has a good defense and a starting quarterback most teams would want for their practice squad (most teams not including Kansas City).  After week 6 (@ Indy) the Baltimore press could be demanding to see Troy Smith or even Todd Bouman.

3rd – Bengals – Here we find the Cinncinnati Bengals in their natural habitat: 4 games out of the division lead.  On the upside of this offseason, there was a decided downtick in the number of incidents of player retardation for the best team in Ohio, although there’s plenty of downside to their offseason as well.  Should I start with Chad Johnson’s torn labrum (HOF Class of 20??) or the failure to improve what was possibly the worst defense of the last two decades?(Click here for the frontrunner in the most overly optimistic sports article of 2008)

4th – Browns –  Q: So Derrick, You took quite a hit in today’s game, tell us what was going through your head as you lay almost motionless on the ground.  A: Grbbhh shbuldognobkee.   It’ll be like watching Trent Green after his first concussion and before his second concussion.  Cleveland fans should not expect Anderson to play all 16 games this season, and the same will probably hold true for Jamal Lewis.  They couldn’t win a game all pre-season and that doesn’t bode well for a team who will likely be relying on backups at QB and RB to start 4-8 games for them this year.

AFC South

1st – Jaguars – An efficient offense led by a QB who seems to improve in almost every game, a running game that can chew up almost any defense in the league and a defense that gets after it.  The Jags were one of the best teams in the entirety of the NFL last year, and they should be again this year.

2nd – Colts – An undersized defensive front and last year’s injury problems for Bob Sanders make me reluctant to bet on the Colts when they’re playing the Jags.  A great offense will win you double digit games, but at the end of the day when your entire defensive front is under 300 lbs I don’t have confidence that they can beat the Jaguars up front, particularly in the running game.  Also, the injury last season to Marvin Harrison and the already bruised (yet expected to make a week 1 start) Peyton Manning means that the Colts will have to have a year far exceeding my expectations to win this division.

3rd – Titans – Jeff Fischer’s mustache has been sapped of its strength.  After years and years of bouying Eddie George and Steve McNair to heights of greatness it can longer keep his team atop its division.  GET THIS MAN SOME JUST FOR MEN!!  They could possibly finish 8-8, but that’s only good for third place in the AFC South.  Also, LenDale White’s head has a funny shape.  He looks like a retarded version of Aires Spears from MadTV.

4th – Texans – What to say about a Texans team who reached for the stars last season and came up 8-8?  They’ve promised a running back by committee this season, and that may be a smart idea, because Ahman Greens knee is a little like the fat guy in the prison scene in Dark Knight where an implanted IED explodes, spraying gristle and blood everywhere.  Chris Taylor’s agent is up in a luxury box somewhere with a cell phone just waiting to make that call.  what else, what else….Oh, a QB who can’t stay healthy, a #1 WR who can’t stay healthy, and a defense that isn’t healthy for people with heart conditions to watch.  Yeah, the Texans are your fourth place finisher in the South.

AFC East

1st – Patriots – I shouldn’t have to explain this one.  last year rule #1 of the 2007 NFL Season was to always bet on the Patriots, and it came through 18 out of 19 times.  The only team to improve in the division was the Jets, so expect the Patriots to win the division again.  Why?  Because they cheat, thats why.  Always bet on the cheaters.  i. (alleged) e. – Barry Bonds.  But seriously, they are the most talented team, the best coached team, and I see no reason not to expect another division title for the Pats.

2nd – Jets – No question that Favre makes the Jets wildcard playoff contenders, although they still have a slim to none chance of winning the division.  The second best offense and defense in the division will be wearing green and white, although all that can change in a heartbeat.  See Joe Theismann under career ending injury.  I sincerely want the best for Brett Favre, but there’s this sinking feeling in my gut that says this is the year he fucked-up beyond repair.  Barring that Thomas Jones should be able to rush for good yards, allowing Favre to throw for good yards, plus the Jets can get to 4 wins just by playing the Bills and the Dolphins.

3rd – Bills – The Rodney Dangerfield of the division, they get no respect.  Probably because they don’t deserve it.  Losman?  please.  I know you guys didn’t have much talent, but to waste all of last year on that guy and then to turn around and go with Trent Edwards this year is a lot like dating an ugly girl to meet her hot friend when you could have just asked out the good looking girl and told fatty to diet better.  Not that I would ever condone such cruelty, but LAY OFF THE MARGARINE YOU COW!  Also McGahee’s knee was tore up worse than AA meeting at a brewery when he got drafted and Buffalo was smart to move on last year, but look where that leaves you now (you could have drafted Larry Johnson.).  I don’t mean to say that Marshawn Lynch can’t ball, just that at this point he’s all they got going.

4th – Dolphins – ugh.  This teams like a bad dream where you have to move a piano in but you have no where to put it, and then, in the same dream, you ‘remember seeing a movie’ with all these great actors in it, but then you wake up and can’t find a trace of it on imdb despite 2 hours of looking.  That’s right, the 2008 Dolphins are a waste of time.

AFC West

1st – Chargers – Is it wrong of me to watch every Charger game that’s on in Wisconsin with the hope Phillip Rivers will suffer career-ending AIDS?  It’s probably only mildly bad karma.  Despite my distaste for Phillip Rivers and Norv Turner and despite the fact that Shawn Merriman wants to play on one good knee I can’t help but pick San Diego to be both a division winner and a first round playoff loser.  As for Merriman, he’ll be fine.  Slap a heavy duty brace on that knee to keep him from hyperextending or getting lateral movement in that knee and he’ll be able to perform.  My brother got hit by a van in high school, lost his PCL (the PCL is the ligament that runs behind the ACL at the opposite angle) and partially tore his ACL.  Somehow he still managed to be an all state football player, playing both ways in the state shrine bowl.  The secret?  A gigantic fucking brace and incredible leg strength, both of which Shawn Merriman has, thanks to state of the art medical care and giant syringes of steroids. DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS.

2nd – Broncos – Shannahan’s run game will keep the Broncos out of abject awfulness and elevate them to a level of mediocrity not seen since Gerald Ford was in the White House.  They’ve consistently failed against good offenses over the last 4 or 5 years and San Diego’s just too good for Denver to finish first.

3rd – Raiders – Watching Oakland is going to be awful, but not that awful, much like having to watch Its A Wonderful Life with your 92 year old racist step grandma.  You don’t really like her or the movie, but there’s a good chance she’ll either break out in a Klan song (resulting in OMFG, I am awful for laughing at this) or die of a heart attack (resulting in party).  Either way you slice it, you still have to suffer through It’s A Wonderful Life for the 28th consecutive year.  I’d rather watch A Christmas Story.

4th – Chiefs – Mostly awful, with a chance of 0-16.  Seriously, Brodie Croyle?  Is this some kind of joke?  Tony Gonzalez is wasted here.

NFC East

1st –  Cowboys – Most talent on both sides of the ball in the East, and hands down the NFC’s runaway favorite in off-field-distractions turning into early playoff exit.

2nd -Giants -Sure they’re the returning Super Bowl champs, but they’re missing half of the d-line that got them there.  Also, they were the wild card last year, and that’s a more likely outcome then winning their division this year too.  Also, Fuck The Giants.

3rd – Skins – Campbell, Portis and Taylor can play, but I’m not so sure about everyone else.  Also the Redskins are owned by an asshole, and Joe Gibbs was an asshole.

4th – Eagles – Is this Donovan McNabbs last year as an Eagle?  Probably.  No wide recievers and malcontents on defense will make this a rocky year in Philly.  Opposing defenses will key on Westbrook and Philly fans will have plenty to boo about, which is they really need to be happy anyway.  Just ask Santa.

NFC West

1st – Seahawks – Someone has to win this division right?  Hassellback and the three headed monster of Morris, Julius Jones and TJ Duckett (which happens to be the BEST running back depth in the league.) ensure that Mike Holmgren has the offense to reach the Big Game.The question is the defense, but in the division the defense won’t be questionable.  Seattle runs away with this one, division winners yes, Super Bowl bound?  Well, that all depends.

2nd – Rams – The 08 rams are a lot like the late 90’s Rams, only mediocre.  MVP Kurt Warner or Marc Bulger?  Steven Jackson or Marshall Faulk in his prime?  Tory Holt, Drew Bennett and Dante Hall or Bruce, Holt, and Hakim?  This team is just a cheap imitation of the Greastest Show on Turf, and the only question that’s close is Faulk vs. Jackson.  A more tangible threat to steal the division from the Seahawks than Zona or San Fran.

3rd – 49ers – JT O’Sullivan? whut?  Oh, he’s Martz’s guy?  Wait, Martz is O-coor?  The Niners are good to win 6-7 games, which will do for 3rd.

4th – Cardinals – What can you really say about the last 50 years of Arizona Cardinals football?  The clubs official website proudly claims that the new era of Cardinal football began in 2000 (stadium initiative) when there’s  only been one Cardinal playoff appearence (1998) since the teams move to Arizona (1988).  I can’t be the guy who just picks the Cards to finish strong on the subconcious grounds that “they’re due!”   Kurt Warner starring as the quarterback past his prime and Anquan Boldin starring as this years Narcissistic Asshole Wide Receiver, the Arizona Cardinals are the NFL’s Disaster Movie.  In every sense of the pun.

NFC South

1st Bucs – Why?  Because I’m a Jeff Garcia mark is why.  Also their running back situation is the 2nd best in the NFC and arguably the NFL.  Oh, and their Linebacking core are studs, factor in 2 good (not great, but possible Pro-Bowl candidates) corner backs and a d-line with potential and you have the NFC South Champs.

2nd – Saints – I know that Drew Breese is very good, but DM already came back from knee sugery to rush for 1000 yds once already in his career, and I’m not sure he’s going to be able to do it twice.  Also since being called the best thing since sliced bread Reggie Bush [2nd overall in ’06] has been reduced to the level of mere mortal (see Joseph Addai [30th pick in 2006] Pro Bowl selection)?    So why is Breese so good?  because of his receivers .  Jeremy Shockey hopefully makes this even easier for a QB who thrives on the quick throw. A possible wild cardteam, only a weak secondary keeps the Saints out of 1st.

3rd – Panthers – They just let me down.  Great job getting to super bowl a few years ago, but what have you done lately?  Is Jake Dehlomme as good as I remember people thought he was or is he just such an improvement over David Carr that the line between slightly-above-average and superstar gets blurred?  I know, again with the questions, but there really are a lot with this team.  Questions like, “What kind of running back situation is going here?” and “Who the fuck spells it Ryne??” and “What the hell was wrong with Julius Peppers?” and so forth.

4th – Falcons – just when you thought Atlanta could win… What’s the magic number where you take the under on the season wins for these guys? 3? 4? 5?

NFC North

1st – Green Bay – Now why in the world would I pick the Packers to win the division?  Better question, are there any non-homer reasons that I can give you that will be universally acceptable?  Sure, he’s not Brett Favre, but Aaron Rodgers is still the best qb in the North, and in my humble opinion they have the best defense  in the division too.  Also they have probably the best running game as well.  I’m not going to predict more Packers wins than the rest of the division combined, but if you gave me 4:1 on it I’d lay some money down.  Now there’s going to be the question of whether or not the Favre deal was the right thing to do.  It’s going to be there all this season and next season as well, there’s simply no getting around it.  As for my opinion, you can’t quit a job and then expect to be rehired because you really really want/need to be, no matter your level of talent.  That’s the bottom line for me.  There were months and months of offseason that Brett could have retired/not-retired, but he did the stupid thing and hung em up almost immediately after the season ended.  Factor in the worlds worst sports agent and we have the media cluster fuck that was it’s own section on the ESPN ticker.  I’m over it, I got my Jets Favre jersey ordered, and I’m gonna root for Aaron Rodgers to have a great season, not to validate any decisions made by anybody associated with the Packers, but because I’m not only a Packers stockholder, I’m a fan as well.

2nd – Minnesota – Someone has to finish 2nd and they have Adrian Peterson, who presents the only true big-play threat at RB in the NFC North.  But he’s not enough to pull a playoff appearence out of Childress’s ass.  Tavaris Jackson is a joke, and their defense is over-hyped.  Sure, their numbers looked good last year, but when you get Chicago twice a year it lowers your per-game averages.  Factor in two games against Detroits withered dead arm of a running game and you can lower your Rush yards Allowed per game by 20-30.  Beyond all that, the Vikings are the only other North team that will be relatively competitive this season.

3rd – Chicago – No QB and no RB make Chi-Town homers go crazy.  At least they finally did the right thing and went with Kyle Orton.  Too bad that the running game is still in the shitter and none of their wide recievers can catch the ball consistently.  The defense will be well above average, but it won’t matter too much because the offense is only good for about 10 points a game  (5 wins)

4th – Detroit – Matt Millen continues his quest to make his mark as worlds worst Front-Office man in the history of football an unbreakable record.  How could he possibly do that you ask?  By firing the guy who made the Lion’s offense something for opposing d-coordinaters to actually worry about.  If your draft strategy is to consistently draft WRs first than Mike Martz is the ONLY choice for offensive coordinator.  And Millen fired him.  A Martzless Kitna is no good, and the Detroit Lions will flounder, and it’s not out of the realm of possibility that the defense and special teams could outscore the offense.  At the very least Detroit will kick more field goals than they score touchdowns.  Q:  Barack Obama or Matt Millen; Who gets assassinated first?


NFC Wild Cards?  we’ll go with…Giants and Saints.

AFC Wild Cards?  How about the Colts and the Jets.

Super Bowl Prediction?  Why not?  How about Jaguars 35 – Packers 24?

but I’m getting ahead of myself, how about some week one picks vs the DVOA?  Or how about just my picks and I’ll do the DVOA projection predictions during the games on Sunday?

The Monkey Picks Week One!!

Detroit @ Atlanta – Someone has to win, how about some false hope for the Lions DETROIT by 3.\

Cincy @ Baltimore – Fuck Joe Flacco, BENGALS by 10.

Seattle @ Buffalo – SEAHAWKS by 17.

KC @ NE – Rule #1 of the 2008 NFL Season is never pick KC to win.  NE by 21.

St. Louis @ Philly – Take the home team, EAGLES by 3.

Jacksonville @ Titans – Jags all day baby, JACKSONVILLE by 7.

Houston @ Pittsburgh – STEELERS by 12.

Tampa @ NO – Garcia throws 3 TDs, BUCS by 3.

NYJ @ Miami – Ummm, JETS by 14.

Dallas @ Cleveland – COWBOYS by 6.

Arizona @ San Francisco – Frank Gore all day, 49ERS by 4.

Carolina @ San Diego – CHARGERS BIG.

Chicago @ Indy – No Brainer, COLTS by 7.


Dear KSK, Please go %$#@ Yourselves.

8 April, 2008

Wow. Y’all at KSK consider yourselves the kings of scathingly ironic football commentary, don’t you? Here’s the problem, you aren’t and you don’t even know why. Allow me to explain it through a series of insults, facts, and your own words.

I’ve been meaning to cancel my subscription to Sports Illustrated. Do I really need to know what Kristis Yamaguchi’s favorite food to microwave is? No, I do not. (She said “leftovers,” which isn’t even a fucking specific food. What a whore.) But I need something to read while I’m burning 5 calories an hour on the elliptical at the gym. (It does all the working out for you!)

The elliptical at the gym? I guess it must be a good place to meet guys.

But it’s clear now that I should spend my gym time reading whatever copy of Redbook someone left lying around instead. Because this week’s issue of SI contained a handful of letters to the editor regarding Brett Favre’s retirement that made me want to swallow my own head. And since I had to read this incredible dogshit, you do too.

Yeah, the copy of Redbook “someone” left “lying around”. Just be honest with yourself, it has your name and address on the label. FYI, no one said you HAD to read anything. You sound exactly like the assholes that report obscenities on the radio. “I was minding my own business when the bad man said crap! I was traumatized!” Come off it, no one made you read a damn thing. You read it because you wanted to. You wanted to read the letters so that you wouldn’t have to come up with a new shtick.

Watching his play and his life for 17 years, we didn’t just see Brett Favre in that Number 4 jersey. We saw our uncle, our brother-in-law, or our fishing buddy. No, Brett wasn’t the greatest quarterback ever to have played. He was just the greatest GUY to ever play quarterback. We’re going to miss you, Brett.

-Scott Powell, Rexford, NY

I… I can’t even… must fight… homicidal urges…


Wow, hyperbole much? At least now I know how you got to be so full of shit.

Here’s who Brett Favre was, Scotty. He was a very good, durable quarterback. Many times, you may have enjoyed watching him play the game with great skill and creativity. When he wasn’t throwing more interceptions than any player in league history. Other than that, you, Scotty Powell, KNOW FUCKING DICK ABOUT BRETT FAVRE. He’s a fucking stranger to you. For all you know, he boned your niece back at Southern Miss after hitting the ‘shine bong. YOU AREN’T FUCKING RELATED TO HIM. HE’S NOT YOUR GODDAMN POKER BUDDY. “Oooh, look at Brett! He likes to hunt! And he has stubble! He’s so much like me, it’s scary!” Jesus.

Nothing quite like a straw man is there? Baggin’ on Scotty because he liked Brett Favre and felt like he could identify with a guy that showed up for work everyday for the last 17 years and never called in sick. It’s not that Scotty doesn’t know dick about Brett Favre outside of his on-field accomplishments either. Scotty probably knows that Favre had a big section of intestine removed during his college career because of an accident. He probably knows that Deanna is Brett’s wife, and that they dated in high school. Scotty probably knows about how Brett’s brother in-law died in an ATV accident, and how Deanna had breast cancer. Also, Scotty would probably be honored if Favre banged his sister. We’ll get back to that “more interceptions than any other player in league history” thing in just a minute.

“Do you know Vince Vaughn? Have you ever met him? I feel like we’d really get along well. I just… he seems like a fun guy. I feel like we’d hang together well.”

This whole thing looks more and more like projection on your part.

There’s no tangible evidence that Brett Favre is a better person than Trent Dilfer, Jim Kelly, or hundreds of other people who have played the position. Maybe one day, I pray, we’ll be able to do a blood test for Kindness and Warmth. But, until that day, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.

But wait. There’s more.

Actually, Trent Dilfer is a pretty good guy. He always tried to do the right thing, be a good husband and father, and then lost his 5 year old to disease. I’m sure that fans of the teams that Dilfer played for are familiar with the whole situation, but most of them aren’t too busy looking for an excuse to dust off the text version of an Asian accent to appreciate that everyone has problems, no matter their station.

People would laugh when I said “we” won or lost a game because “You’re not part of the team. You didn’t win or lose.” But I always felt like Brett Favre played for me, the fan, so, yes, we did, win and lose together. Every emotion I felt, I felt with him. Brett, enjoy your retirement. We love you, respect you, and, most of all, we will miss you.

-Anna Garcia, Arbuckle, CA

Actually, Anna, the people laughing at you were on to something. For you see, Brett Favre signed a contract with the Green Bay Packers that stipulated he play football in exchange for money and possible health benefits. It’s in writing. I SWEAR. I’m quite sure Favre was pleased to see fans happy with a Packer victory. Know who else felt the same way? EVERY OTHER PLAYER ON THE TEAM. “Omigod! He won that game just for me!” “Omigod! He felt sad after a loss! I felt the exact same way!” “Omigod! He’s jumping up and down after a touchdown! I DO THAT!”

Indeed. Amazing.

Most every sports fan has at one point used the royal ‘we’. You see, Anna knows that she isn’t actually part of the team, she just feels as though she is. You see, guy, there’s a quality some people have called charisma. I guess your point is “How dare you identify with your favorite player on your favorite team.”

The NBA will never replace Michael Jordan, and the NFL will never replace Brett Favre.

-Craig Earl, North Logan, Utah

Actually, Craig. They replaced him well before he retired. Ever watch Tom Brady or Peyton Manning play quarterback? They’re just like Favre, only they don’t throw 500 ill-advised, back-breaking interceptions a year! Who knew you could have your cake and eat it too?

The thing is, other players may be of the same caliber, but they’ll never BE Michael Jordan or Brett Favre, just like Jordan was never Pistol Pete and LeBron will never be Jordan. Same thing with Favre. He’ll never be Joe Montana, and Tom Brady will never be Favre. Every truly gifted player leaves his own mark, and every one is unique.

Alright, I think its time to address this bullshit about the 288 INTs. Here’s the top 5 in career INTs, along with their attempts per pick.

attempts per INT

266 – Tarkenton – 24.312

267 – Testaverde – 25.0974

268 – Hadl – 17.4888

277 – Blanda – 14.4657

288 – Favre – 30.4097

Oh, and guess who else is in the top ten… Dan Marino. It’s a natural function of playing for 17 years. Over the 16 seasons Favre started he averaged 18 picks a season. Oh, and if Peyton Manning throws picks at the same rate for another 6 years he’ll have 245 on his career. Also, Craig’s letter implies that he wants the cake, but that it will never be eaten.

Do you know what’s happening here? Brett Favre has officially become just like fucking Barbaro. A bunch of retard fans, easily swayed by the “special” status bestowed upon Favre by the media, have begun making all sorts of baseless emotional connections with him. He was more than a quarterback! He was a family member! He attended my wedding in spirit! We have imaginary children together! Our lives are incredibly intertwined!

Enough already. You didn’t know Brett Favre, and he didn’t know you. He played for the team you liked and he was good at it. So much so that he became your favorite player. That’s neat. But you wouldn’t have known him any better if he had been a fucking horse. You admired him from afar. That’s it.

If that isn’t enough for your emotional needs, buy a fucking dog.

Yeah, Drew, we’re all retarded here in Wisconsin. We only discovered how to isolate and grow stem cells. 16 years of Sundays he was on almost every TV in the state, so yeah, people are sad to see him go. You should let them have that attachment, but you begrudge them their fandom. For a guy who seems to think he’s smarter than everyone else I think you missed the point. Writing a post that compares Favre to Barbaro is indeed ironic, but only because all you’re doing now is beating a dead fucking horse.

Go Fuck Yourself,

The Best Part of Staying Up…

5 April, 2008

is getting home just as the sun rises, knowing full well that the Brewers play at noon, and I have a new episode of Battlestar Galactica to watch. I only wish that I had spent the last 12 hours doing something that anyone might consider ‘fun’. I mean, there were the deliveries to the Wisconsin High School Football Coaches Association’s convention at the Marriott. If y’all want to have some fun, or at the very least drink until you’re belligerent, I suggest A High School Football Coaches Convention. It doesn’t matter which state you live in, just go. And bring a camera. And Beer. Lots and lots of beer.

The Monkey\'s new hatso here is a reason to love Canada and their crazy idea to make the football field longer, and increase the number of players on the field.  The best idea  any Americans had (after the XFL, of course) is to play football indoors on a field the size of a hockey rink.  There’s a reason why some people resist change, Arena Football being only a small example.  My example would be how I was getting along just fine with the old WordPress interface.  I didn’t mind typing in align=”left” to turn on word wrappping.  I really didn’t.  Then some-one decided to change the entire way I do (non) business.  Now I hardly recognize this website.  I may be for Obama, but I’d vote for “stay the course” candidate to run WordPress.

And now to change the subject completely and suddenly, The Brewers whaled on the Giants yesterday, doing their part to erase the awful memory of the last time a team called the Giants played a Wisconsin franchise.  Villanueva looked good, as did the Brewers offense and now Parra will get a turn to tune-up against a Cleveland-Indians-In-Major-League-esque Giants squad at noon today.  Until then, good day.

The Winter of Our Discontent.

28 February, 2008

Yes, I know, I’ve been on an unannounced hiatus. It doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of page views, as a good portion of my hits are related to the fact I host images of Gisele Bundchen and Jessica Simpson. I’ve resigned myself to the idea that people are less interested in what I have to write and more interested in titties. I must confess that my interest in sports also pales in comparison to my interest in boobs. I am no different than the average person who stumbles across this blog.

On the topic of sporting events: My copy of the 2008 Baseball Prospectus has finally shipped. Hooray. Upcoming is my preseason preview of the Brewers prospective bullpen lineup, as well as other baseball related content(hopefully including T’s Mets preseason thoughts). Trevor has promised an in-depth fantasy guide. Will he deliver? You decide.

In addition…

I have been promising the second episode of the Sparano’s. Will I deliver? If I don’t soon someone else will rip off my idea….Oh wait. Sparano’s — Soprano’s … It’s an easy word play, someone probably has already done what I wanted to, only better. So here’s what y’all came here for in the first place…



Until next time…

No Freakin’ Way. I Don’t Believe.

22 February, 2008

Its a joke right?  It’s got to be.  There’s no way that this man is a vegetarian.

prince fielder

Is there?  I’ve read the article, but I can’t help but suspect that he’s sneaking in some fatback on the side.  (Tangent: Prince said that his wife gave a book about how it was mean to eat meat and that’s why he’s now a vegetarian.  I just wonder if she held out on him until he agreed to substitute cottage cheese for double cheese burgers.  Also, did she inspire this change because (a) She was genuinely concerned for his health.  (b) She is genuinely concerned about ‘animal rights’ or (c) she was tired of having to lift up his belly to….you know.  ???)

Personal Prejudice against PETA aside, other things are happening that involve the Brewers.  Mostly the pitchers, so here goes…

Brewer’s Starting Rotation

The Brewers don’t know what to do with Carlos V. and  Ben Sheets wants to stay healthy.  What’s new about this?  Nothing, really.  Here’s how I see the Crew’s starting rotation coming together…

1. Ben Sheets – Ace of the staff.  Wants to be healthy, but won’t be.  Penciled in here as the Crew’s #1 starter, and will be when he’s not on the DL.

2. Yovani Gallardo – The New Hope.  Young guy with big potential.  Pitched very well for a Rookie last year, and is #2 on my rotation, but may end up at Yost’s #3

3.  Jeff Suppan – The 6 million dollar man.  Gave the Brewers an adequate showing last year, and will likely give them the same this year.  Definitely getting a starting job.

4. Carlos Villanueva – Remarkable last season in only his second year, he’s got the skill to be a solid starter.  Yost and Maddux will be well served to let this young man start, although he could end up in long relief.  But he wouldn’t be needed in long relief if the starting pitching was better.  Confused?  Don’t be.  Even if Carlos isn’t named as a starter out of spring training, just wait a month for Sheets to sprain something and Carlos will get some starts.

5. ???

Here’s where all this gets tricky.  Parra, Vargas, Capuano and Bush are essentially vying for the one spot.

Given how the Brewers handled Carlos V. last year, I’m discounting the possibility that Manny Parra will be named a starter.  He’s talented, sure, but erring on the side of caution has been a trademark of the Crew, even when they desperately needed starting pitching last season.  I’d expect to see him in relief only.
So its really between Vargas, Capuano and Bush.  All 3 finished last season with an ERA of 5.09 to 5.12.  Not inspiring I know.

Claudio Vargas finished with an 11-6 record, despite a WHIP of over 1.5 and ERA of 5.  How?  Was it blind luck, or just the knowledge of the offense that they needed to score a lot because Claudio gets knocked around?  Something to consider: Claudio’s 07 performance is pretty close to his career average.

Chris Capuano had a miserable year.  Not just on account of his 5+ ERA (which is over half a run higher than his career average.)  He went months without a win.  Blind luck or the result of pitching 219+ innings the previous two years in a row?  I think the guy just burned out last year, and answering the question: Can he come back? probably can’t be answered by the end of Spring Training.

The Bottom Line?

5. Dave Bush – Will be the #5 starter for your Milwaukee Brewers!  He finished just a half run above his career average and has been by and large injury free.  Not only has he been a workhorse for two years now, but he has a better K/BB ratio than Capuano and Vargas.  He’ll get the nod for the final spot.

Not to worry for Cappy, Claudio and Manny.  There’ll be plently of spot starts and long relief opportunities.  Plus should anyone screw the pooch the Brewers have plenty of options, no?

Will He Be Back?

Who cares??  Does it matter now?  With training camp months and months and months away??  Personally I’m more interested in who the Packers might draft, Who they franchised, and who’s recovering from severe injury.  Favre will tell us soon enough.  Besides, it’s almost time for March Madness, and soon afterward there’ll be baseball.  Then its still a matter of 5 or so months until training camp even starts.  So unbunch the panties and play some Madden if you really can’t stop thinking about Favre long enough ponder Bubble Teams and Cactus League Baseball.  Either that or debate the call of Tails that gave the Falcons the third overall pick.


Blame Games and Buck’s Basketball

Who’s fault is the Buck’s suckitude?  Do I blame Larry Harris, GM extraordinaire?  Do I blame an owner meddling?  Do I blame the players?  I don’t think I’ll be making the trip to Milwaukee to see the Bucks play this year.  If I want to see sub-par basketball that borders on comedy I’ll go see Semi-Pro.

Bo Ryan Loves Tall Minnesotans

Here’s the proof.   I wish I was 6-8.  Oh, and while we’re on the subject of Big 10 Basketball, Kelvin Sampson got fired, which means I have to keep this picture in the can for a couple years until he gets hired and then fired again…

 NCAA rep demanding to speak with Sampson



My Day Off.

15 February, 2008

So what do you do on your day off?  Do you do work?  Do you run errands?  Do you try to sleep off a hangover? Do you read Deadspin and pretend that you didn’t sleep until noon?  Does it really matter?

I was having a hard time with this whole St Mary’s not allowing a female referee to officiate a high school basketball game.  The part that ate me the most was the unatributed quote on WHY.  “That would be putting a woman in a position of authority over boys, he was told — a scenario that was contrary to beliefs at St. Mary’s Academy.” 

Glad to see that you’re raising a whole new generation of misogynists in Kansas.  Let’s just follow that logic through to the extreme.  The boys mothers?  The boys don’t have to listen to them.  The boys can do whatever they want until their father says something.  A female cop?  They don’t have to listen until an officer with testicles shows up.   That bitch at the 7-11 says its 1.53 for that soda?  Fuck her, she can’t tell me what to do.  You see where this goes?  This logic is poison.  It dictates barefoot and pregnant women who can be abused and whom no one need respect.  If you think this as ridiculous as I do, then I would urge you to call St Mary’s school at  (785) 437-2471 (main switchboard) and ask for the Rector, Vicente Griego.  If he’s not in, I’m sure you can find another staff member in the yearbook section of their website to talk to about this.

I also want to send a big Eat Shit to ESPN.  Like we’re all going to forget about the Berman videos.  I know that YouTube took them down, but other places put em back up.  You can’t send a DMCA notice for me to remove Berman from my brain.  I wish that was a possibility, but unfortunately I’m stuck with years and years of sub-par highlights voiced by a man who wishes he was a wine afficianado.

But that is but a sign of the degradation of American culture.  How can I say this…. If you were going to be a member of Public Enemy would you be Flava Flav or Chuck D?  The problem is that everyone wants to be the hype man, and no one wants to be the revolutionary voice.  It’s just easier to be the guy on Flavor of Love than it is to fight the power.

On a completely unrelated note, how can you blame Deaven George for not wanting anything to do with New Jersey?

I have to go now, halftime of the McDonalds Celebrity Basketball game is almost over.  I need to see Terrell Owens dunk on Tony Potts.

I was so wrong…

4 February, 2008

The Giants won?  At least I didn’t put money on the game.  My personal highlight of the game?  Listening to the Russian broadcast on Sirius.  I was only able to pick out the few Russian words I know (Nyet, Da, Vodka, etc…) and player, coach and team names.  If it wasn’t for the PA system I wouldn’t have been able to follow the game at all.  It is funny though, to hear “(incomprehensible Russian spoken at light speed) Bill  Bell-e-czech (more incomprehensible Russian)” with the color guy breaking in, “Nyet, (blahblahblah) Bell-e-czech (blahblahblah) – Tom Cough-a-linn.” Defenitely better than watching the game on a prison television in between runs.