What about Blog?

6 September, 2008

Yes it’s been a long long time since I last posted anything and even longer since I posted anything worth reading.  Yet the hits keep going up.  Geometrically.  So why am I posting anything at all?  And why haven’t I posted since a long time ago?  Why am I asking questions that no one (myself included) cares to answer, or even would like to hear the answer to?  On to Stuff.

Yet Another NFL Season Begins

Which can mean only one thing.  Everyone and Gregg Easterbrook’s mother will be predicting how each and every team will finish, which teams will make the playoffs, and who will win the game played between the worlds most expensive advertising spots.  Why should I be any different?  And when will I stop asking questions that…oh.  I already asked that one.

NFL Regular Season Predictions

Yes, I’ll do it like everyone else, division by division.  It may be the missionary position of NFL preseason naval gazing, but it’s tried and true, No?

AFC North

1st – Steelers – Yep, it’s been a rough baseball season in the Steel City this year, but at least the Steelers are the class of this division.  Of course that’s a little like not being a dead-beat dad: It’s a good thing, but everyone expects you to pay child support.  But seriously, this is the only team here that has both an offense and a defense.

2nd – Ravens – A second place finish is in line for Baltimore, who, like most years, has a good defense and a starting quarterback most teams would want for their practice squad (most teams not including Kansas City).  After week 6 (@ Indy) the Baltimore press could be demanding to see Troy Smith or even Todd Bouman.

3rd – Bengals – Here we find the Cinncinnati Bengals in their natural habitat: 4 games out of the division lead.  On the upside of this offseason, there was a decided downtick in the number of incidents of player retardation for the best team in Ohio, although there’s plenty of downside to their offseason as well.  Should I start with Chad Johnson’s torn labrum (HOF Class of 20??) or the failure to improve what was possibly the worst defense of the last two decades?(Click here for the frontrunner in the most overly optimistic sports article of 2008)

4th – Browns –  Q: So Derrick, You took quite a hit in today’s game, tell us what was going through your head as you lay almost motionless on the ground.  A: Grbbhh shbuldognobkee.   It’ll be like watching Trent Green after his first concussion and before his second concussion.  Cleveland fans should not expect Anderson to play all 16 games this season, and the same will probably hold true for Jamal Lewis.  They couldn’t win a game all pre-season and that doesn’t bode well for a team who will likely be relying on backups at QB and RB to start 4-8 games for them this year.

AFC South

1st – Jaguars – An efficient offense led by a QB who seems to improve in almost every game, a running game that can chew up almost any defense in the league and a defense that gets after it.  The Jags were one of the best teams in the entirety of the NFL last year, and they should be again this year.

2nd – Colts – An undersized defensive front and last year’s injury problems for Bob Sanders make me reluctant to bet on the Colts when they’re playing the Jags.  A great offense will win you double digit games, but at the end of the day when your entire defensive front is under 300 lbs I don’t have confidence that they can beat the Jaguars up front, particularly in the running game.  Also, the injury last season to Marvin Harrison and the already bruised (yet expected to make a week 1 start) Peyton Manning means that the Colts will have to have a year far exceeding my expectations to win this division.

3rd – Titans – Jeff Fischer’s mustache has been sapped of its strength.  After years and years of bouying Eddie George and Steve McNair to heights of greatness it can longer keep his team atop its division.  GET THIS MAN SOME JUST FOR MEN!!  They could possibly finish 8-8, but that’s only good for third place in the AFC South.  Also, LenDale White’s head has a funny shape.  He looks like a retarded version of Aires Spears from MadTV.

4th – Texans – What to say about a Texans team who reached for the stars last season and came up 8-8?  They’ve promised a running back by committee this season, and that may be a smart idea, because Ahman Greens knee is a little like the fat guy in the prison scene in Dark Knight where an implanted IED explodes, spraying gristle and blood everywhere.  Chris Taylor’s agent is up in a luxury box somewhere with a cell phone just waiting to make that call.  what else, what else….Oh, a QB who can’t stay healthy, a #1 WR who can’t stay healthy, and a defense that isn’t healthy for people with heart conditions to watch.  Yeah, the Texans are your fourth place finisher in the South.

AFC East

1st – Patriots – I shouldn’t have to explain this one.  last year rule #1 of the 2007 NFL Season was to always bet on the Patriots, and it came through 18 out of 19 times.  The only team to improve in the division was the Jets, so expect the Patriots to win the division again.  Why?  Because they cheat, thats why.  Always bet on the cheaters.  i. (alleged) e. – Barry Bonds.  But seriously, they are the most talented team, the best coached team, and I see no reason not to expect another division title for the Pats.

2nd – Jets – No question that Favre makes the Jets wildcard playoff contenders, although they still have a slim to none chance of winning the division.  The second best offense and defense in the division will be wearing green and white, although all that can change in a heartbeat.  See Joe Theismann under career ending injury.  I sincerely want the best for Brett Favre, but there’s this sinking feeling in my gut that says this is the year he fucked-up beyond repair.  Barring that Thomas Jones should be able to rush for good yards, allowing Favre to throw for good yards, plus the Jets can get to 4 wins just by playing the Bills and the Dolphins.

3rd – Bills – The Rodney Dangerfield of the division, they get no respect.  Probably because they don’t deserve it.  Losman?  please.  I know you guys didn’t have much talent, but to waste all of last year on that guy and then to turn around and go with Trent Edwards this year is a lot like dating an ugly girl to meet her hot friend when you could have just asked out the good looking girl and told fatty to diet better.  Not that I would ever condone such cruelty, but LAY OFF THE MARGARINE YOU COW!  Also McGahee’s knee was tore up worse than AA meeting at a brewery when he got drafted and Buffalo was smart to move on last year, but look where that leaves you now (you could have drafted Larry Johnson.).  I don’t mean to say that Marshawn Lynch can’t ball, just that at this point he’s all they got going.

4th – Dolphins – ugh.  This teams like a bad dream where you have to move a piano in but you have no where to put it, and then, in the same dream, you ‘remember seeing a movie’ with all these great actors in it, but then you wake up and can’t find a trace of it on imdb despite 2 hours of looking.  That’s right, the 2008 Dolphins are a waste of time.

AFC West

1st – Chargers – Is it wrong of me to watch every Charger game that’s on in Wisconsin with the hope Phillip Rivers will suffer career-ending AIDS?  It’s probably only mildly bad karma.  Despite my distaste for Phillip Rivers and Norv Turner and despite the fact that Shawn Merriman wants to play on one good knee I can’t help but pick San Diego to be both a division winner and a first round playoff loser.  As for Merriman, he’ll be fine.  Slap a heavy duty brace on that knee to keep him from hyperextending or getting lateral movement in that knee and he’ll be able to perform.  My brother got hit by a van in high school, lost his PCL (the PCL is the ligament that runs behind the ACL at the opposite angle) and partially tore his ACL.  Somehow he still managed to be an all state football player, playing both ways in the state shrine bowl.  The secret?  A gigantic fucking brace and incredible leg strength, both of which Shawn Merriman has, thanks to state of the art medical care and giant syringes of steroids. DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS.

2nd – Broncos – Shannahan’s run game will keep the Broncos out of abject awfulness and elevate them to a level of mediocrity not seen since Gerald Ford was in the White House.  They’ve consistently failed against good offenses over the last 4 or 5 years and San Diego’s just too good for Denver to finish first.

3rd – Raiders – Watching Oakland is going to be awful, but not that awful, much like having to watch Its A Wonderful Life with your 92 year old racist step grandma.  You don’t really like her or the movie, but there’s a good chance she’ll either break out in a Klan song (resulting in OMFG, I am awful for laughing at this) or die of a heart attack (resulting in party).  Either way you slice it, you still have to suffer through It’s A Wonderful Life for the 28th consecutive year.  I’d rather watch A Christmas Story.

4th – Chiefs – Mostly awful, with a chance of 0-16.  Seriously, Brodie Croyle?  Is this some kind of joke?  Tony Gonzalez is wasted here.

NFC East

1st –  Cowboys – Most talent on both sides of the ball in the East, and hands down the NFC’s runaway favorite in off-field-distractions turning into early playoff exit.

2nd -Giants -Sure they’re the returning Super Bowl champs, but they’re missing half of the d-line that got them there.  Also, they were the wild card last year, and that’s a more likely outcome then winning their division this year too.  Also, Fuck The Giants.

3rd – Skins – Campbell, Portis and Taylor can play, but I’m not so sure about everyone else.  Also the Redskins are owned by an asshole, and Joe Gibbs was an asshole.

4th – Eagles – Is this Donovan McNabbs last year as an Eagle?  Probably.  No wide recievers and malcontents on defense will make this a rocky year in Philly.  Opposing defenses will key on Westbrook and Philly fans will have plenty to boo about, which is they really need to be happy anyway.  Just ask Santa.

NFC West

1st – Seahawks – Someone has to win this division right?  Hassellback and the three headed monster of Morris, Julius Jones and TJ Duckett (which happens to be the BEST running back depth in the league.) ensure that Mike Holmgren has the offense to reach the Big Game.The question is the defense, but in the division the defense won’t be questionable.  Seattle runs away with this one, division winners yes, Super Bowl bound?  Well, that all depends.

2nd – Rams – The 08 rams are a lot like the late 90’s Rams, only mediocre.  MVP Kurt Warner or Marc Bulger?  Steven Jackson or Marshall Faulk in his prime?  Tory Holt, Drew Bennett and Dante Hall or Bruce, Holt, and Hakim?  This team is just a cheap imitation of the Greastest Show on Turf, and the only question that’s close is Faulk vs. Jackson.  A more tangible threat to steal the division from the Seahawks than Zona or San Fran.

3rd – 49ers – JT O’Sullivan? whut?  Oh, he’s Martz’s guy?  Wait, Martz is O-coor?  The Niners are good to win 6-7 games, which will do for 3rd.

4th – Cardinals – What can you really say about the last 50 years of Arizona Cardinals football?  The clubs official website proudly claims that the new era of Cardinal football began in 2000 (stadium initiative) when there’s  only been one Cardinal playoff appearence (1998) since the teams move to Arizona (1988).  I can’t be the guy who just picks the Cards to finish strong on the subconcious grounds that “they’re due!”   Kurt Warner starring as the quarterback past his prime and Anquan Boldin starring as this years Narcissistic Asshole Wide Receiver, the Arizona Cardinals are the NFL’s Disaster Movie.  In every sense of the pun.

NFC South

1st Bucs – Why?  Because I’m a Jeff Garcia mark is why.  Also their running back situation is the 2nd best in the NFC and arguably the NFL.  Oh, and their Linebacking core are studs, factor in 2 good (not great, but possible Pro-Bowl candidates) corner backs and a d-line with potential and you have the NFC South Champs.

2nd – Saints – I know that Drew Breese is very good, but DM already came back from knee sugery to rush for 1000 yds once already in his career, and I’m not sure he’s going to be able to do it twice.  Also since being called the best thing since sliced bread Reggie Bush [2nd overall in ’06] has been reduced to the level of mere mortal (see Joseph Addai [30th pick in 2006] Pro Bowl selection)?    So why is Breese so good?  because of his receivers .  Jeremy Shockey hopefully makes this even easier for a QB who thrives on the quick throw. A possible wild cardteam, only a weak secondary keeps the Saints out of 1st.

3rd – Panthers – They just let me down.  Great job getting to super bowl a few years ago, but what have you done lately?  Is Jake Dehlomme as good as I remember people thought he was or is he just such an improvement over David Carr that the line between slightly-above-average and superstar gets blurred?  I know, again with the questions, but there really are a lot with this team.  Questions like, “What kind of running back situation is going here?” and “Who the fuck spells it Ryne??” and “What the hell was wrong with Julius Peppers?” and so forth.

4th – Falcons – just when you thought Atlanta could win… What’s the magic number where you take the under on the season wins for these guys? 3? 4? 5?

NFC North

1st – Green Bay – Now why in the world would I pick the Packers to win the division?  Better question, are there any non-homer reasons that I can give you that will be universally acceptable?  Sure, he’s not Brett Favre, but Aaron Rodgers is still the best qb in the North, and in my humble opinion they have the best defense  in the division too.  Also they have probably the best running game as well.  I’m not going to predict more Packers wins than the rest of the division combined, but if you gave me 4:1 on it I’d lay some money down.  Now there’s going to be the question of whether or not the Favre deal was the right thing to do.  It’s going to be there all this season and next season as well, there’s simply no getting around it.  As for my opinion, you can’t quit a job and then expect to be rehired because you really really want/need to be, no matter your level of talent.  That’s the bottom line for me.  There were months and months of offseason that Brett could have retired/not-retired, but he did the stupid thing and hung em up almost immediately after the season ended.  Factor in the worlds worst sports agent and we have the media cluster fuck that was it’s own section on the ESPN ticker.  I’m over it, I got my Jets Favre jersey ordered, and I’m gonna root for Aaron Rodgers to have a great season, not to validate any decisions made by anybody associated with the Packers, but because I’m not only a Packers stockholder, I’m a fan as well.

2nd – Minnesota – Someone has to finish 2nd and they have Adrian Peterson, who presents the only true big-play threat at RB in the NFC North.  But he’s not enough to pull a playoff appearence out of Childress’s ass.  Tavaris Jackson is a joke, and their defense is over-hyped.  Sure, their numbers looked good last year, but when you get Chicago twice a year it lowers your per-game averages.  Factor in two games against Detroits withered dead arm of a running game and you can lower your Rush yards Allowed per game by 20-30.  Beyond all that, the Vikings are the only other North team that will be relatively competitive this season.

3rd – Chicago – No QB and no RB make Chi-Town homers go crazy.  At least they finally did the right thing and went with Kyle Orton.  Too bad that the running game is still in the shitter and none of their wide recievers can catch the ball consistently.  The defense will be well above average, but it won’t matter too much because the offense is only good for about 10 points a game  (5 wins)

4th – Detroit – Matt Millen continues his quest to make his mark as worlds worst Front-Office man in the history of football an unbreakable record.  How could he possibly do that you ask?  By firing the guy who made the Lion’s offense something for opposing d-coordinaters to actually worry about.  If your draft strategy is to consistently draft WRs first than Mike Martz is the ONLY choice for offensive coordinator.  And Millen fired him.  A Martzless Kitna is no good, and the Detroit Lions will flounder, and it’s not out of the realm of possibility that the defense and special teams could outscore the offense.  At the very least Detroit will kick more field goals than they score touchdowns.  Q:  Barack Obama or Matt Millen; Who gets assassinated first?


NFC Wild Cards?  we’ll go with…Giants and Saints.

AFC Wild Cards?  How about the Colts and the Jets.

Super Bowl Prediction?  Why not?  How about Jaguars 35 – Packers 24?

but I’m getting ahead of myself, how about some week one picks vs the DVOA?  Or how about just my picks and I’ll do the DVOA projection predictions during the games on Sunday?

The Monkey Picks Week One!!

Detroit @ Atlanta – Someone has to win, how about some false hope for the Lions DETROIT by 3.\

Cincy @ Baltimore – Fuck Joe Flacco, BENGALS by 10.

Seattle @ Buffalo – SEAHAWKS by 17.

KC @ NE – Rule #1 of the 2008 NFL Season is never pick KC to win.  NE by 21.

St. Louis @ Philly – Take the home team, EAGLES by 3.

Jacksonville @ Titans – Jags all day baby, JACKSONVILLE by 7.

Houston @ Pittsburgh – STEELERS by 12.

Tampa @ NO – Garcia throws 3 TDs, BUCS by 3.

NYJ @ Miami – Ummm, JETS by 14.

Dallas @ Cleveland – COWBOYS by 6.

Arizona @ San Francisco – Frank Gore all day, 49ERS by 4.

Carolina @ San Diego – CHARGERS BIG.

Chicago @ Indy – No Brainer, COLTS by 7.


Opening Day, Live with the Monkey, Milk, and Peteson…

31 March, 2008

4:26 am – I’m done with work. Now I have to pack a bag because I am going to visit my brothers in Oshkosh for opening day. I have a full day of drinking, brats, burgers and baseball ahead of me, and the journey starts now. There’s less than 9 hours until the first pitch, how could I sleep?

7:23 – Arrive in Oshkosh after dicking around before driving up. I arrive to find myself locked out, despite the fact Milk promised the back door would be open. Lucky for me he was awake and let me in promptly.

7:43 am – Milk and Peteson have the new Steven Seagal movie, Pistol Whipped, on the DVR. in the first two minutes (probably) the best scenes have used as a quasi trailer/opening credits sequence, Seagal’s character has already been concretely defined, and there was a poorly shot poker sequence. This should get usa viewers by until Casino Royale makes its network debut.

7:54 – Steven Seagal is turning his characters life around!!! Also Steven is always just ‘passing through’ in all of his movies,

7:58 – “It’s a new record, it’s over a half hour into the movie and he hasn’t killed anybody yet” – Milk

8:03 – Multi-cultural Love Interest!! WHOO!

9:19 – And now, the exciting conclusion of Pistol Whipped.

9:31 am – A 3 car chase scene, a graveyard shootout, a “sexy fling” with a Condaleeza Rice look a like? The only way it could be better is if I hadn’t just watched the edited for TV version with blurred out titties and motherfreakers.

10:01 – The Weather Channel is showing a rather large storm system headed for Chicago. How awesome is the MLB scheduling office, choosing Chicago to host the first series when Milwaukee has a roof. Fucking Brilliant.

10:33 – Drew Carey is trying to give away a catameran on the Price is Right. Still no word about a possible rain out in Chicago.

11:15 am – Still no news about a rain out, but John Kruk’s testicle is on the TV, so I’ll deal. Also, I miss Harold Reynolds, I hate Eric Young. I hated him as a Cub, I hated him as a Brewer, and I hate him as an analyst.

11:40 – The tarp is on the field and Zambrano has just been called flambouyant.

12:18 – KC/DET on the ESPN. It’s nice that baseball’s back.

12:24 – 2 on 2 out for Detroit, Yankees on a rain delay. I hope I don’t have to watch this whole game if the Brewers/Cubs get rained out.

12:41 – What does ESPN call it when they promise a Toronto NewYork matchup and deliver Kansas City and Detroit instead? Bonus Coverage.

1:08 – No rain in Chicago (yet).

1:14 – “I came home from work the other day with the scent o strawberry daquaris in the air. All I could hear was ‘HOUSE! SHED! CAR! and the men I thought had penises were actually women. They were playing Pictionary” -Z.L. Quote of the day and the game hasn’t started yet.

1:27 – The Brewers are on 3 channels here in Oshkosh. Three Channels. I’m almost tempted to put on the WGN feed just to see if my brothers notice.

1:38 – Rain delay. Tempted to watch the Price is Right on YouTube.

1:40 – Dude on WGN is talking about “creatures of habit”. At least they have Wrigley on their screen. Today feels like the preamble to a career ending injury.

1:43 – National Anthem. Mention of the NIU school shooting. What a way to bring light to a gray rainy chilly day in mother-f$#@ing Chigago.

1:47 – Jesus Christ. Enough with the melodramatic bullshit. A Royal old school trumpet entrance music for Ernie Banks? It sounded like a good idea when you planned it three months ago, but today when it’s thirty nine degrees and rainy it seems kind of like this could have been done in May.

1:53 pm – “Write that down. Ernie Banks can hardly feed himself” – Peteson.

– “Let’s throw a fucking pitch already”

1:55 – Ernie Banks throws one way outside. I take this as a good omen. Also, now that the post first pitch commercials have been run I am a little excited about things only to for the rain to keep coming down. At least the Cubs all have to stand in the rain first. The weather is now bordering on pouring buckets.

2 :00 pm – It looks like they’re going to actually play in a fog game. When the camera moves further away from the action the more apparent the fog becomes. Ricky Weeks K’s and Jr gets an infield single, and the Wrigley cameras above the first deck are all fogged over.

2:05 – The quality of the TV Broadcast is terrible. How do you like your HDTV now?? Gwynn steals third. Braun pops out, middle of 1.

“@#$%, for 13 dollars I be a macademia nut.” Miller advertising campaign.

2:10 – 1 out for Ben Sheets. Pie is batting 8th. I predict now that a Chicago paper will lead the sports page with the headline “As American as Apple Pie” but mean the Pee-ay pronunciation instead of the Pie pronunciation. they will think that this is very humorous. 2 out on no out and then Lee K’s. end of one.

2:14 – Not now Jerry.

2:22 – Brewers go 3 up 3 down, middle of two.

2:23 – How long does a game have to go to be official. Fans hold Japanese signs that I hope were translated by a vengeful interpreter as Fukudome doubles. DeRossa hits a sac fly, and Sheets is getting hit pretty hard. FSN goes out of its way to show fat half-naked Cubs fans with FUKU pantied in alternating read and blue paint.

2:29 -Runners at the corners and an almost passed ball almost give me a heart attack. Cub threat ends.

2:35 – Batting eight, Sheets strikes out and I’m not exactly blown away by that decision. Kendall walks and the agreement is made to take shots of Korbel Brandy for every Brewers run scored and every homerun the Brewers give up. A pop up means that 2 are gone with Kendall standing on first in the rain. Underwhelmed thusfar.

2:42 – Why did you even start the game?? There’s 1 out in the bottom of the third, and I thought that this was a sure-fire season-ending groin pull. Now, here we are with a rain delay. I’m going to have another smoke.

Sobering Up: A Two Week Bender

24 March, 2008

Jesus, I almost forgot that I used to do this every day. I guess getting into peak shape for St. Patrick’s day took it’s toll. But I really can’t blame the layoff on alcohol alone. Booze isn’t the only thing I’ve been binging on these past two weeks. I have viewed over 65 hours of TV as well. I burned through seasons 3 through 5 of the Wire, seasons 5 and 6 of the Shield, kept up with all the current television shows I’m watching, and still managed to work full time. Poor clock management you say? Just call me Joe Gibbs.

So whats to talk about? The Badgers having the easiest road to the Elite 8 of any team still alive? Half my predictions about the Brewer’s opening day roster going south? My complete lack of interest in the NBA playoffs? My bracket being in tatters after Georgetown and Duke and Marquette and Georgia depart the Tourney early? Seems like a good start…

Wisconsin and the (not so) Stacked Bracket

*following paragraph will contain blatant homerism* Tell me honestly that the Midwest bracket didn’t seem a little strange to you too. First I was upset at the Badgers 3 seed. Ranked in the top 6 in both polls and they get a three? RPI??!? What the fuck is that?? So I got over the fact that UW had played against a weak Big Ten, and that maybe a three seed was justified. However as soon as I saw a potential 2nd round matchup against USC I had to check which region the Badgers were seeded in. Until Sunday I had no idea that California had been annexed by the Midwest. It made less sense than UConn being seeded in the West. I had a sleepless night worrying about OJ Mayo and other what if scenarios. But then USC lost. So everything is good right? Except now Georgetown is a possible matchup in the Sweet Sixteen. Isn’t Georgetown on the….never mind. I had even more tossing and turning in front of my TV before Georgetown lost to Davidson. And now? I’m worried about Kansas. *end of blatant homerism*

So here I am, tickled pink at the prospects of an Elite 8 appearence by my alma mater, not even caring that I only picked 9 of 16 teams still left. My bracket may be shredded by any account, but my hopes are still high. I may not win the pool, but….Shit, I’m not going to win the pool. So what’s left to write about if the blatant homerism was supposed to end with my previous paragraph? Fake awards? I suppose I could do that.

Most Likely to Succeed: North Carolina. Top seed in the tournament gets to play a team from the opposite coast for a chance to advance? Are you kidding me? I won’t punch a ticket to the Final Four for them yet, but

Most Likely to Disappoint: Xavier. How these guys snagged a three seed is beyond me. They play in a conference with Rhode Island for Christ’s sake. Bad news for the Musketeers as West Virginia rolls in after upsetting 2 seed Duke.

Least Likely to Cover: UCLA. 51 points? That’s it? Well, see you next year….You Won? You only scored 51 points and you won? How did that happen? And you call yourselves a 1 seed. The only way the Bruins cover is a ridiculously low spread and maybe not even then.

Most Likely Cinderella:(tied) Western Kentucky and West Virginia. My honest assessment at this stage is that a Cinderella Final Four appearence is most likely to happen in the West. The number 2 seed gets bounced early by West Virginia and the number 4 and 5 seeds are out after the first round and the number 1 put up only 51 points against the 9 seed. Maybe I’m wrong to have no faith in either UCLA or Xavier, but my bet is on a low seeded Final Four berth coming out of the West.

Class Clown: Villanova. No seniors on the roster and your next opponent is Kansas? Yes, Villanova, you are officially the most likely to look silly.


I wish it were Spring in the world.

So completely wrong was I, about Vinny Rottino. I had hopes so high for an 8 man bullpen, but it was not to be. The Brewers designated Rottino for assignment a few days ago, meaning that Eric Munson should be the frontrunner to back up Jason Kendall. Also I spoke ill of Tony Gwynn Jr, only to see him hit .405 thus far. I believe that I wanted Gabe Gross to start in right and see Corey Hart in center. I don’t feel all that badly about it as Gross has 4 HRs in Spring Training (and more total bases than Jr.) and Gwynns been caught stealin 3/7 attempts. But I’m just looking for anything that would vindicate me at this point.

As for the Brewers pitching, it hasn’t been particularly pretty, as Gagne and Turnbow have earned matching his and hers 7.50 ERA’s. Also Suppan, Sheets and Capuano have miserable statistics as well. I just hope they all get their shit together because it could be a long fucking April otherwise.

I leave you with these…

But I thought it was only an 8 second sermon?!?!

My Day Off.

15 February, 2008

So what do you do on your day off?  Do you do work?  Do you run errands?  Do you try to sleep off a hangover? Do you read Deadspin and pretend that you didn’t sleep until noon?  Does it really matter?

I was having a hard time with this whole St Mary’s not allowing a female referee to officiate a high school basketball game.  The part that ate me the most was the unatributed quote on WHY.  “That would be putting a woman in a position of authority over boys, he was told — a scenario that was contrary to beliefs at St. Mary’s Academy.” 

Glad to see that you’re raising a whole new generation of misogynists in Kansas.  Let’s just follow that logic through to the extreme.  The boys mothers?  The boys don’t have to listen to them.  The boys can do whatever they want until their father says something.  A female cop?  They don’t have to listen until an officer with testicles shows up.   That bitch at the 7-11 says its 1.53 for that soda?  Fuck her, she can’t tell me what to do.  You see where this goes?  This logic is poison.  It dictates barefoot and pregnant women who can be abused and whom no one need respect.  If you think this as ridiculous as I do, then I would urge you to call St Mary’s school at  (785) 437-2471 (main switchboard) and ask for the Rector, Vicente Griego.  If he’s not in, I’m sure you can find another staff member in the yearbook section of their website to talk to about this.

I also want to send a big Eat Shit to ESPN.  Like we’re all going to forget about the Berman videos.  I know that YouTube took them down, but other places put em back up.  You can’t send a DMCA notice for me to remove Berman from my brain.  I wish that was a possibility, but unfortunately I’m stuck with years and years of sub-par highlights voiced by a man who wishes he was a wine afficianado.

But that is but a sign of the degradation of American culture.  How can I say this…. If you were going to be a member of Public Enemy would you be Flava Flav or Chuck D?  The problem is that everyone wants to be the hype man, and no one wants to be the revolutionary voice.  It’s just easier to be the guy on Flavor of Love than it is to fight the power.

On a completely unrelated note, how can you blame Deaven George for not wanting anything to do with New Jersey?

I have to go now, halftime of the McDonalds Celebrity Basketball game is almost over.  I need to see Terrell Owens dunk on Tony Potts.

Escape From Week 17

31 December, 2007

The Results

I done good. Real good. 13-3 good. Awesome, right? I missed Atlanta, Carolina and Baltimore, but I don’t really care. Thirteen is pretty good. I really like week 17, it makes it so much easier to pick the games when the good teams don’t play their starters. So how did the DVOA do? The Answer? 7-9. My victory feels tainted. But a W’s a W, unless he’s a stuttering buffoon. The Standings from week 5 through the end of the regular season look like this…

DVOA — 134 – 59

Monkey — 126 – 67

So through the regular season, I fall 8 games short of besting the machine. Good thing there’s still the Playoffs…..and speaking of Playoffs….

Escape to The Playoffs

Now that the playoff participants are set I feel compelled to assign alternate identities to each team. I need a theme with a strong protagonist, a powerful antagonist, and strong story arcs. How about Escape From New York?


girl in the chock full of nutsNew York is the Girl in the Chock Full ‘O Nuts. They’ll never see their own demise coming, and be dragged down into the Subway and eaten by the mole people.


The actor that plays the Sec of State

Tennessee is the Secretary of State. Not too many lines, they are essentially unessential. There really isn’t much that could convince me the Titan’s will make a splash in the playoffs


the crazies

Washington would be a mob of The Crazies. Not the Cameron Crazies, or the Wild and Crazy Guys. Right now the Redskins seem to be a mob of flesh-craving murderous criminals that live in the abandoned NY Subway Tunnels. They have the potential to mess some people up in the playoffs.


romeroTampa Bay would be Romero the Wierdo. Seemingly in command of the situation, and just a bit crazy. I mean who would have thought that Jeff Garcia and Joey Galloway would become renaissance men in Tampa? I’m waiting for a moment in the Giants game where Gruden gives Coughlin Eli Mannings severed finger wrapped in a handkerchief.




police commissioner

Seattle would be the Police Commisioner Bob Hauk, and not only because his mustache resembles Holmgren’s, but also because they have been playing – and winning – on Hasselbeck’s authority, and just like Hauk does to Snake, they can put some teams in awkward positions.

The Duke’s Wrestler

Pittsburgh is the Duke’s champion wrestler. Strong in appearance, and winner of the first round, where the fight is only with baseball bats, but come the 2nd round, when the bats are spiked and the combatants have shields their lack of speed (i.e. – Willie Parker) will be their downfall.

cabbieSan Diego is Cabbie. They show up, get from point A to point B, but besides having a sweet set of wheels (i.e. Tomlinson) and a bitchin’ cassette collection, there isn’t much they can do in the loaded AFC. Sure, they’re clearly better than the Titans and Steelers, but do they have the talent to get past the Jags, Pats, or Colts?


brianDallas would be the Brain. They have the map to escape New York, but they are under the control of a maniacal madman (i.e. Jerry Jones) who’s crazy plan is to take the President hostage to escape the 50 foot walls surrounding his prison-esque Irving home and ultimately Dallas ends up a bullet-ridden corpse on the G.W. Bridge

maggieJacksonville would be…..Maggie, played by Adrienne Barbeau. The Brain’s squeeze meets her end standing her ground against a Cadillac, which is an apt metaphor for the Jags. They will stick to their guns and play tenacious defense, but eventually get run down by some bad motherfucker in a sweet ride with chandeliers mounted on the hood.

duke of new york, A#1Indianapolis is The Duke of New York. They are the bad motherfuckers who will run you down in a chandeliered Caddy. Nobody wants to cross these guys, especially with Marvin Harrison back. They are the returning Super Bowl champs, and despite the Pat’s unbeaten regular season, until someone beats Indy in the playoffs they are still large and in charge. THEY ARE DUKE OF NEW YORK A#1!!!!

presidentNew England Patriots are The President of the United States. They have survived a plane crash, being taken hostage, handcuffed to a wall and shot at by a power-crazy Isaac Hayes only to get his revenge by gunning down the Duke as he scaled the wall. Theoretically the most powerful man in the free world, POTUS makes it over the wall, and the only one to best him is….
snakeThe Green Bay Packers as Snake Plissken. A bad dude who no one thought would succeed, who against all odds managed a first round playoff bye, rescued the president from the Duke, killed a bunch of crazies, bullied the Brain, killed the Wrestler with a spiky bat to the head, and then when the President gave him the brush-off, he gave the country that turned its back on him the fuck you, substituting cabbies jazz for the all-important tritium tape, thus dooming the peace talks.  And I’m a total Homer, so of course the Packers get to be the hero….

How I watched the Badgers Lose (OR) Beverly Hills Cop 4

14 October, 2007

I debated not posting this for a while on Saturday. I don’t mean I wasn’t going to post it until Sunday (which is what happened) but Not Post It At All. It was painful as I was writing it, and until I had a chance to really reflect upon it I didn’t know that I needed to share it. Here is my Pain. I post this for you.

10:36 – Gameday on. My God, am I hungover. It’s the kind of hangover where you crap 5 times before noon. Whats with the OK cheerleaders wearing the Betty Lou ribbons in their hair? I just saw a Herbstreit sign that had actual hair.

10:42 – Corso 73-85 Stoops 86-19 <—Best sign Ever. I thought Corso was damaged ever since playing NCAA 2001. This just proves I was right.

10:46 – “Chase Daniels Eats Boogers” Great, now the whole world knows.

1:31 – Wake up from the worlds greatest nap. Beverly Hills Cop is on!

1:39 – “Get away from me, I’m gonna shoot you.” -Axl Foley

1:45 – IOWA 10 — ILL 6 w/ 2:14 left in the game. 2 Huge passes to Benn put Illinois on the Iowa 11.

1:49 – “Yeah, I buy all my art there…” Illinois throws a pick, and this one’s pretty much over. The Big 10 is so frustrating to watch. Wisconsin’s wins are gonna be worthless for Strength of Schedule.

1:52 – Mikey gets capped, Iowa gets a 1st. Game over for Mikey and Illinois.

1:56 – Georgia Tech kicks a FG to go up on Miami 17-14. How far mighty Miami has fallen.

2:02 – “If Micheal calls, tell him what room I’m in.”

2:03 – Axl – “How much does this go for?”

Serge – “One Hundred Tirty Tousand.”

Axl – “Get da Fuck outta here!”

Serge – “No, Serious.”

Axl – “Get da Fuck outta here.”

2:08 – “I hate bananas, I wanna watch a movie.” Georgia Tech is inside the Miami 25 w/ 3 minutes left.

2:11 – Thank God Andre Ware and Dave Pasch are calling this game. It means they won’t be at Happy Valley. Georgia Tech moves to around the 10.

2:12 – “How terrible. I do hope the police have procured some intelligent leads!”

2:17 – Ga. Tech wins.

2:18 – “In Beverly Hills we go strictly by the book.”

2:24 – EMU vs Ohio is now on 2 TV stations. What kind of cosmic vortex of a time-melting cataclysm has happened to cause this?

2:39 – So, the Badgers started badly. A fumble on the first play of the game allows Penn State to get the early lead.

Penn State 7 — Wisconsin 0

2:42 – Power running gets WI a first down.

2 :43 – ABC shows a replay of Luke Swan’s injury from last week. It makes me wince whenever I see it. 10:05 left in Q1, WI punts.

2:48 – WI refuses to tackle anyone. PSU gets down to Wisconsin’s 30. Morelli completes another pass, he’s now 4/4 for 60+ yds.

2:51 – PSU is attempting a FG, and it’s……….good. Penn State 10 — Wisconsin 0

2:52 – “But before I go, I want y’all to know something – The Supercop story was working.” – Axl

2:57 – PJ Hill cannot be stopped. Except by tackling.

2:59 – Big Pass to Jefferson in traffic. PS was playing some cover 2. WI ball on the PS 34, a 10 yd Donovan scramble gets the Badgers inside the 25. ABC replays the hit on Jefferson from the Michigan State game. “Do you really want to hurt me?”

3:01 – PJ Hill cannot be stopped. Except by Gang-Tackling. Donovan to Beckum, to the 10, 5, and down to the 2. Just put 6 on the board now. PJ Hill punches it in, Penn State 10 — Wisconsin 7

3:06JoPa doesn’t like kids and their god-blamed iPods.

3:08 – Nice Hands on PSU’s #10, who drops a 1st down ball, bring on the punter.

3:10 – END OF Q1.

3:15 – Tyler Donovan scrambles frantically, running all the way to one side of the field, 15 yards backwards, all the way across the field again. throws incomplete. It could’ve ended worse. Next play ends worse. Gilreath misplays the pass, tips it up and directly to Penn State safety. Good God.

3:20 – Penn State TD on a 30+yd pass. Alan Langford just got toasted. Penn State 17 — Wisconsin 7

3:22 – “This ain’t sugar…” – Axl Foley

3:24Jefferson makes nice catch, 1st down WI.

3:27 – Keep shooting yourself in the foot guys. They get the right one with a holding penalty, and the left one with a 3rd down incompletion. Wisconsin punts.

3:28 – What a SMACK!! Wi recovers a muff caused by a HUGE hit. Too bad its being called Kick Catch Interference. It looks clean on the replay, but I don’t think its challenge-able.

3:34 – I make myself some toast with grape jelly. PSU makes a whole loaf of toast out of the WI secondary, moving down to Wisconsin’s 30.

3:38 – PSU sputters out, they have 4th and short. Send out the kicker. Penn State 20 — Wisconsin 7 Penn State is going for it, breaks the inside handoff 20 yads for a TD. Penn State 24 – Wisconsin 7. I think we need Lou Holtz to call the Wisconsin defense a bunch of schmelly turdsh. I sincerely would like to apologize for my dig at Penn State last week.

3:42 – 35 yd catch by Jefferson with 6 minutes left in Q2.

3:43 – Donovan throws a pick, and this one is all on him. NO PASS RUSH, ALL DAY TO THROW AND HE TOSSES IT RIGHT TO THE PENN STATE DUDE. (who may or may not be #10) My hangovers gone, but I still want to puke. WI can’t score, the can’t stop the other team from scoring, and to top it all off, they’re dead last in the NCAA in causing turnovers, and so far have committed 3 this game. It’s hard to believe that 15 days ago, this team was ranked #5 in the country.

3:45 -Writing this down is a little like self flagellation. Penn State is at the Wisconsin 22 yard line. They’ve gone 50 yards in about a minute.

3:48 – Penn State missed a FG from 42. Wisconsin will take over.

3:52 – Donovan almost throws pick #3. Next play goes 20 yds to Beckum, who has a big RAC.

3:57 – WI gets stopped, they will have to punt with 1:37 left in the half.

3:58 – WI forces a fumble on the return!! My friend Trevor says, “Now we could cut the halftime lead to 10, which would be bittersweet.”

3:59 – Not only does Donovan get sacked, But there’s a holding call on WI too. Awesome Job Team!

4:00 – WI has a 4th and 6 at the Penn State 34, and instead of trying the 51 yard field goal (with 9 seconds left in the half) Beilema decides to take a delay of game penalty AND PUNT!! F#$% YOU BRETT, YOU PEAR-SHAPED TURD. MY 14-YEAR-OLD STEP-BROTHER COULD’VE COACHED A BETTER 1ST HALF. PUNTING WITH 9 SECONDS LEFT IN THE HALF?!?!?! GROW A PAIR OF TESTICLES. I don’t know if I really want to watch the second half. I may not have to…Beverly Hills Cop 2 is on Comedy Central.

4:11Brigitte Nielson just capped Captain Bogemill.

4:18For Love of the Game is also on. “How much Petrol does Billy Chappell have left in the tank?” Great moment on the soundtrack here, Dylan’s Lay, Lady, Lay.

4:23 – I switch back to BHC2 and hear –> “It’s a new ballgame out here Axl, and we’re not invited.” Badgers Kick off to start the 3rd Quarter

4:27 – ABC shows a graphic that says PSU scored on 4 of its first 5 possessions. The patented “LOAF OF TOAST” coverage scheme the Badgers are running is now officially perfected. Penn State is across midfield on a huge pass. ball is near the WI 40.

4:29 – Penn State runs a couple in a row, down to the 25. Taggert – “OK, but if we’re gonna do it, we gotta be low-profile, covert.” <– this is how Beilema better act until the Badgers get another win.

4:31 – Pass Interference on Alan Langford in the End Zone, Penn State is now on the 2 yd line. I’m just gonna count the TD now. Penn State 31 — Wisconsin 7 Fuhkin Ay.

4:39 – A sack of Donovan will force the Badgers to punt. Again. Jesus.

4:41 – Ken Strout is up in the 9th inning of Billy Chappell’s perfect game. “Think Billy, don’t just throw.” Back at the Beverly Hills Gun Club Axl’s watching a young Brigitte Nielson shoot a big gun. “How long does it take to shave those legs?” Trevor asks if that’s the guy from Quantum Leap. ‘why haven’t I leaped yet?’ – ‘you have to kill Richard James at 1603 Hillcrest first.’

4:45 – Wisconsin takes over on their own 12 after a PSU punt.

4:48 – ‘its the mirrors’ I don’t know what they do, or how they do it,I guess they just are it. ARI is leading USC by 3

4:51 – Beckum to the 30.

4:52 – Jefferson makes a big catch to the WI 45. Donovan follows it up by overthrowing an open receiver for the 4th or so time today. Add another to that column, as Donovan misses another guy, bringing up 4th and 2. If Bielima was a real man, he’d go for it. Penn State takes over on their own 9.

4:56 – Billy Chappell has his perfect game, There’s a huge accident at the club in Beverly Hills, and Wisconsin is still losing. “Technically chief, this is traffic duty.”

4:58 – “Did you just zap daddy?” No daddy was just watching this abortion of a game. I want to be the priceline nego-she-ay-tore! I am having a hard time accepting the name of the blimp as ‘The Bloomin Onion One”. Brent Mussberger is acting like the president is aboard. Maybe he is, you know how the president likes to go to Outback.

5:01 – Wisconsin muffs the Penn State punt, but recovers. This is good. I’m now making lemonade out of dog turds.

5:02 – Digging Rosewoods Stallone Posters. Axl’s going CSI on Taggert, “The super-glue attaches itself to the acid in the fingerprints…”

5:04 – PJ hill goes for 15 yds, now has 75 on the day, with a TD and a Fumble.

5:09 – Huge catch by Jefferson to start the 4th Quarter. The 2nd play is the exact opposite of the first. HUGE sack for Penn State.

5:10 – Who called that QB Draw?

5:11 – Who called that end around? Wisconsin attempts a 42 yard field goal, its no good.

5:17 – Penn State is just eating the clock, and it looks like Wisconsin is just waiting to lose. Wisconsin just sacked the PS QB for the first time today.

5:20 – How great will 30 Days of Night be?

5:23 – It’s official, Brad Nessler is calling this one. He could’ve 15 minutes ago. The Penn State defense is all over WI like stink on $#!+. Axl Foley on turds in the pool – “I can bring it by later for you to verify…”

5:27 – Hef cameo!!

5:30 – Brad Brent and Company debate the merits of Outback’s bloomin’ Onion dip. Click here to find out how drunk you should be right now. Penn States backup QB runs for 20 yards to the Wisconsin 2, and it about to become Penn State 38 — Wisconsin 7

5:36 – Wisconsin has their backup QB in as well. Congrats to the Badgers 2nd string for carrying on the tradition and pride of WI Football. I’m being sarcastic, as WI has committed 2 consecutive false starts.

5:37 – “There will be no ‘F’ crime. The alphabet bandit is dead.”

5:39 – Which is the worst sequel? Beverly Hills Cop 3, the Godfather III, Caddyshack 2, Major League 2, Slap Shot 2, or Rocky V? Trevor’s theory – If an ‘R’ rated movie’s sequel is rated PG-13, the sequel will be terrible. There are currently no exceptions to this rule.

5:44 – the game is finally over. Wisconsin 7 — Pen State 38. Props to JoPa, and his great gameplan, Middle Fingers to Bielima for a crappy gameplan. Gameball for WI goes to Kyle Jefferson, who ended up with 124 recieving yards.