Yes it’s been a long long time since I last posted anything and even longer since I posted anything worth reading. Yet the hits keep going up. Geometrically. So why am I posting anything at all? And why haven’t I posted since a long time ago? Why am I asking questions that no one (myself included) cares to answer, or even would like to hear the answer to? On to Stuff.
Yet Another NFL Season Begins
Which can mean only one thing. Everyone and Gregg Easterbrook’s mother will be predicting how each and every team will finish, which teams will make the playoffs, and who will win the game played between the worlds most expensive advertising spots. Why should I be any different? And when will I stop asking questions that…oh. I already asked that one.
NFL Regular Season Predictions
Yes, I’ll do it like everyone else, division by division. It may be the missionary position of NFL preseason naval gazing, but it’s tried and true, No?
1st – Steelers – Yep, it’s been a rough baseball season in the Steel City this year, but at least the Steelers are the class of this division. Of course that’s a little like not being a dead-beat dad: It’s a good thing, but everyone expects you to pay child support. But seriously, this is the only team here that has both an offense and a defense.
2nd – Ravens – A second place finish is in line for Baltimore, who, like most years, has a good defense and a starting quarterback most teams would want for their practice squad (most teams not including Kansas City). After week 6 (@ Indy) the Baltimore press could be demanding to see Troy Smith or even Todd Bouman.
3rd – Bengals – Here we find the Cinncinnati Bengals in their natural habitat: 4 games out of the division lead. On the upside of this offseason, there was a decided downtick in the number of incidents of player retardation for the best team in Ohio, although there’s plenty of downside to their offseason as well. Should I start with Chad Johnson’s torn labrum (HOF Class of 20??) or the failure to improve what was possibly the worst defense of the last two decades?(Click here for the frontrunner in the most overly optimistic sports article of 2008)
4th – Browns – Q: So Derrick, You took quite a hit in today’s game, tell us what was going through your head as you lay almost motionless on the ground. A: Grbbhh shbuldognobkee. It’ll be like watching Trent Green after his first concussion and before his second concussion. Cleveland fans should not expect Anderson to play all 16 games this season, and the same will probably hold true for Jamal Lewis. They couldn’t win a game all pre-season and that doesn’t bode well for a team who will likely be relying on backups at QB and RB to start 4-8 games for them this year.
1st – Jaguars – An efficient offense led by a QB who seems to improve in almost every game, a running game that can chew up almost any defense in the league and a defense that gets after it. The Jags were one of the best teams in the entirety of the NFL last year, and they should be again this year.
2nd – Colts – An undersized defensive front and last year’s injury problems for Bob Sanders make me reluctant to bet on the Colts when they’re playing the Jags. A great offense will win you double digit games, but at the end of the day when your entire defensive front is under 300 lbs I don’t have confidence that they can beat the Jaguars up front, particularly in the running game. Also, the injury last season to Marvin Harrison and the already bruised (yet expected to make a week 1 start) Peyton Manning means that the Colts will have to have a year far exceeding my expectations to win this division.
3rd – Titans – Jeff Fischer’s mustache has been sapped of its strength. After years and years of bouying Eddie George and Steve McNair to heights of greatness it can longer keep his team atop its division. GET THIS MAN SOME JUST FOR MEN!! They could possibly finish 8-8, but that’s only good for third place in the AFC South. Also, LenDale White’s head has a funny shape. He looks like a retarded version of Aires Spears from MadTV.
4th – Texans – What to say about a Texans team who reached for the stars last season and came up 8-8? They’ve promised a running back by committee this season, and that may be a smart idea, because Ahman Greens knee is a little like the fat guy in the prison scene in Dark Knight where an implanted IED explodes, spraying gristle and blood everywhere. Chris Taylor’s agent is up in a luxury box somewhere with a cell phone just waiting to make that call. what else, what else….Oh, a QB who can’t stay healthy, a #1 WR who can’t stay healthy, and a defense that isn’t healthy for people with heart conditions to watch. Yeah, the Texans are your fourth place finisher in the South.
1st – Patriots – I shouldn’t have to explain this one. last year rule #1 of the 2007 NFL Season was to always bet on the Patriots, and it came through 18 out of 19 times. The only team to improve in the division was the Jets, so expect the Patriots to win the division again. Why? Because they cheat, thats why. Always bet on the cheaters. i. (alleged) e. – Barry Bonds. But seriously, they are the most talented team, the best coached team, and I see no reason not to expect another division title for the Pats.
2nd – Jets – No question that Favre makes the Jets wildcard playoff contenders, although they still have a slim to none chance of winning the division. The second best offense and defense in the division will be wearing green and white, although all that can change in a heartbeat. See Joe Theismann under career ending injury. I sincerely want the best for Brett Favre, but there’s this sinking feeling in my gut that says this is the year he fucked-up beyond repair. Barring that Thomas Jones should be able to rush for good yards, allowing Favre to throw for good yards, plus the Jets can get to 4 wins just by playing the Bills and the Dolphins.
3rd – Bills – The Rodney Dangerfield of the division, they get no respect. Probably because they don’t deserve it. Losman? please. I know you guys didn’t have much talent, but to waste all of last year on that guy and then to turn around and go with Trent Edwards this year is a lot like dating an ugly girl to meet her hot friend when you could have just asked out the good looking girl and told fatty to diet better. Not that I would ever condone such cruelty, but LAY OFF THE MARGARINE YOU COW! Also McGahee’s knee was tore up worse than AA meeting at a brewery when he got drafted and Buffalo was smart to move on last year, but look where that leaves you now (you could have drafted Larry Johnson.). I don’t mean to say that Marshawn Lynch can’t ball, just that at this point he’s all they got going.
4th – Dolphins – ugh. This teams like a bad dream where you have to move a piano in but you have no where to put it, and then, in the same dream, you ‘remember seeing a movie’ with all these great actors in it, but then you wake up and can’t find a trace of it on imdb despite 2 hours of looking. That’s right, the 2008 Dolphins are a waste of time.
1st – Chargers – Is it wrong of me to watch every Charger game that’s on in Wisconsin with the hope Phillip Rivers will suffer career-ending AIDS? It’s probably only mildly bad karma. Despite my distaste for Phillip Rivers and Norv Turner and despite the fact that Shawn Merriman wants to play on one good knee I can’t help but pick San Diego to be both a division winner and a first round playoff loser. As for Merriman, he’ll be fine. Slap a heavy duty brace on that knee to keep him from hyperextending or getting lateral movement in that knee and he’ll be able to perform. My brother got hit by a van in high school, lost his PCL (the PCL is the ligament that runs behind the ACL at the opposite angle) and partially tore his ACL. Somehow he still managed to be an all state football player, playing both ways in the state shrine bowl. The secret? A gigantic fucking brace and incredible leg strength, both of which Shawn Merriman has, thanks to state of the art medical care and giant syringes of steroids. DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS.
2nd – Broncos – Shannahan’s run game will keep the Broncos out of abject awfulness and elevate them to a level of mediocrity not seen since Gerald Ford was in the White House. They’ve consistently failed against good offenses over the last 4 or 5 years and San Diego’s just too good for Denver to finish first.
3rd – Raiders – Watching Oakland is going to be awful, but not that awful, much like having to watch Its A Wonderful Life with your 92 year old racist step grandma. You don’t really like her or the movie, but there’s a good chance she’ll either break out in a Klan song (resulting in OMFG, I am awful for laughing at this) or die of a heart attack (resulting in party). Either way you slice it, you still have to suffer through It’s A Wonderful Life for the 28th consecutive year. I’d rather watch A Christmas Story.
4th – Chiefs – Mostly awful, with a chance of 0-16. Seriously, Brodie Croyle? Is this some kind of joke? Tony Gonzalez is wasted here.
1st – Cowboys – Most talent on both sides of the ball in the East, and hands down the NFC’s runaway favorite in off-field-distractions turning into early playoff exit.
2nd -Giants -Sure they’re the returning Super Bowl champs, but they’re missing half of the d-line that got them there. Also, they were the wild card last year, and that’s a more likely outcome then winning their division this year too. Also, Fuck The Giants.
3rd – Skins – Campbell, Portis and Taylor can play, but I’m not so sure about everyone else. Also the Redskins are owned by an asshole, and Joe Gibbs was an asshole.
4th – Eagles – Is this Donovan McNabbs last year as an Eagle? Probably. No wide recievers and malcontents on defense will make this a rocky year in Philly. Opposing defenses will key on Westbrook and Philly fans will have plenty to boo about, which is they really need to be happy anyway. Just ask Santa.
1st – Seahawks – Someone has to win this division right? Hassellback and the three headed monster of Morris, Julius Jones and TJ Duckett (which happens to be the BEST running back depth in the league.) ensure that Mike Holmgren has the offense to reach the Big Game.The question is the defense, but in the division the defense won’t be questionable. Seattle runs away with this one, division winners yes, Super Bowl bound? Well, that all depends.
2nd – Rams – The 08 rams are a lot like the late 90’s Rams, only mediocre. MVP Kurt Warner or Marc Bulger? Steven Jackson or Marshall Faulk in his prime? Tory Holt, Drew Bennett and Dante Hall or Bruce, Holt, and Hakim? This team is just a cheap imitation of the Greastest Show on Turf, and the only question that’s close is Faulk vs. Jackson. A more tangible threat to steal the division from the Seahawks than Zona or San Fran.
3rd – 49ers – JT O’Sullivan? whut? Oh, he’s Martz’s guy? Wait, Martz is O-coor? The Niners are good to win 6-7 games, which will do for 3rd.
4th – Cardinals – What can you really say about the last 50 years of Arizona Cardinals football? The clubs official website proudly claims that the new era of Cardinal football began in 2000 (stadium initiative) when there’s only been one Cardinal playoff appearence (1998) since the teams move to Arizona (1988). I can’t be the guy who just picks the Cards to finish strong on the subconcious grounds that “they’re due!” Kurt Warner starring as the quarterback past his prime and Anquan Boldin starring as this years Narcissistic Asshole Wide Receiver, the Arizona Cardinals are the NFL’s Disaster Movie. In every sense of the pun.
1st Bucs – Why? Because I’m a Jeff Garcia mark is why. Also their running back situation is the 2nd best in the NFC and arguably the NFL. Oh, and their Linebacking core are studs, factor in 2 good (not great, but possible Pro-Bowl candidates) corner backs and a d-line with potential and you have the NFC South Champs.
2nd – Saints – I know that Drew Breese is very good, but DM already came back from knee sugery to rush for 1000 yds once already in his career, and I’m not sure he’s going to be able to do it twice. Also since being called the best thing since sliced bread Reggie Bush [2nd overall in ’06] has been reduced to the level of mere mortal (see Joseph Addai [30th pick in 2006] Pro Bowl selection)? So why is Breese so good? because of his receivers . Jeremy Shockey hopefully makes this even easier for a QB who thrives on the quick throw. A possible wild cardteam, only a weak secondary keeps the Saints out of 1st.
3rd – Panthers – They just let me down. Great job getting to super bowl a few years ago, but what have you done lately? Is Jake Dehlomme as good as I remember people thought he was or is he just such an improvement over David Carr that the line between slightly-above-average and superstar gets blurred? I know, again with the questions, but there really are a lot with this team. Questions like, “What kind of running back situation is going here?” and “Who the fuck spells it Ryne??” and “What the hell was wrong with Julius Peppers?” and so forth.
4th – Falcons – just when you thought Atlanta could win… What’s the magic number where you take the under on the season wins for these guys? 3? 4? 5?
1st – Green Bay – Now why in the world would I pick the Packers to win the division? Better question, are there any non-homer reasons that I can give you that will be universally acceptable? Sure, he’s not Brett Favre, but Aaron Rodgers is still the best qb in the North, and in my humble opinion they have the best defense in the division too. Also they have probably the best running game as well. I’m not going to predict more Packers wins than the rest of the division combined, but if you gave me 4:1 on it I’d lay some money down. Now there’s going to be the question of whether or not the Favre deal was the right thing to do. It’s going to be there all this season and next season as well, there’s simply no getting around it. As for my opinion, you can’t quit a job and then expect to be rehired because you really really want/need to be, no matter your level of talent. That’s the bottom line for me. There were months and months of offseason that Brett could have retired/not-retired, but he did the stupid thing and hung em up almost immediately after the season ended. Factor in the worlds worst sports agent and we have the media cluster fuck that was it’s own section on the ESPN ticker. I’m over it, I got my Jets Favre jersey ordered, and I’m gonna root for Aaron Rodgers to have a great season, not to validate any decisions made by anybody associated with the Packers, but because I’m not only a Packers stockholder, I’m a fan as well.
2nd – Minnesota – Someone has to finish 2nd and they have Adrian Peterson, who presents the only true big-play threat at RB in the NFC North. But he’s not enough to pull a playoff appearence out of Childress’s ass. Tavaris Jackson is a joke, and their defense is over-hyped. Sure, their numbers looked good last year, but when you get Chicago twice a year it lowers your per-game averages. Factor in two games against Detroits withered dead arm of a running game and you can lower your Rush yards Allowed per game by 20-30. Beyond all that, the Vikings are the only other North team that will be relatively competitive this season.
3rd – Chicago – No QB and no RB make Chi-Town homers go crazy. At least they finally did the right thing and went with Kyle Orton. Too bad that the running game is still in the shitter and none of their wide recievers can catch the ball consistently. The defense will be well above average, but it won’t matter too much because the offense is only good for about 10 points a game (5 wins)
4th – Detroit – Matt Millen continues his quest to make his mark as worlds worst Front-Office man in the history of football an unbreakable record. How could he possibly do that you ask? By firing the guy who made the Lion’s offense something for opposing d-coordinaters to actually worry about. If your draft strategy is to consistently draft WRs first than Mike Martz is the ONLY choice for offensive coordinator. And Millen fired him. A Martzless Kitna is no good, and the Detroit Lions will flounder, and it’s not out of the realm of possibility that the defense and special teams could outscore the offense. At the very least Detroit will kick more field goals than they score touchdowns. Q: Barack Obama or Matt Millen; Who gets assassinated first?
NFC Wild Cards? we’ll go with…Giants and Saints.
AFC Wild Cards? How about the Colts and the Jets.
Super Bowl Prediction? Why not? How about Jaguars 35 – Packers 24?
but I’m getting ahead of myself, how about some week one picks vs the DVOA? Or how about just my picks and I’ll do the DVOA projection predictions during the games on Sunday?
The Monkey Picks Week One!!
Detroit @ Atlanta – Someone has to win, how about some false hope for the Lions DETROIT by 3.\
Cincy @ Baltimore – Fuck Joe Flacco, BENGALS by 10.
Seattle @ Buffalo – SEAHAWKS by 17.
KC @ NE – Rule #1 of the 2008 NFL Season is never pick KC to win. NE by 21.
St. Louis @ Philly – Take the home team, EAGLES by 3.
Jacksonville @ Titans – Jags all day baby, JACKSONVILLE by 7.
Houston @ Pittsburgh – STEELERS by 12.
Tampa @ NO – Garcia throws 3 TDs, BUCS by 3.
NYJ @ Miami – Ummm, JETS by 14.
Dallas @ Cleveland – COWBOYS by 6.
Arizona @ San Francisco – Frank Gore all day, 49ERS by 4.
Carolina @ San Diego – CHARGERS BIG.
Chicago @ Indy – No Brainer, COLTS by 7.