168 Hours in the Week.

20 April, 2008

I’m going to be short.  Brewers good, Bucks bad, Packers draft soon.  I promise to write about these things soon.  I think I may work too much.  Now, Math.

7 days at 24 hours = 168 hours in the week

168 – 62 hours on the clock = 102 hours left.

102 – 6 hours of weekly commute = 96 hours left.

96 – (8.5 hours sleep a night * 7 nights) = 36.5 hours left.

36.5 – 7 hours of time spent in the bathroom = 29.5 hours left.

29.5 – 4.5 hours spent cooking/eating = 25 hours left.

25 – 3 hours shopping/waiting in line = 22 hours left.

22 – 9 hours watching the Brewers on TV = 13 hours left.

13 – 2 hours of laundry = 11 hours left.

11 – 10 hours of chasin’ tail/drinking/general bad behaviour = 1 hour left

1 – 30 minutes to write this = half hour left for actualy writing about sports.

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Out of Their Asses

17 April, 2008

So the Crew pulls a series victory out of their asses in New York, only to squander the momentum by blowing games one and two against St. Louis.  Game three is today at noon, and the Brewers need to win to salvage anything, as they are now in third in the Central.

I had such high hopes as last season ended, but as the offseason and the first 14 games of the regular season are over I can only wonder why Milwaukee isn’t winning games that they should.  I’ve made a ton of derogatory comments, a few off-base predictions, and numerous photoshopped images.  Would you like more of the same?

I give you the…

That’s right, the Brewers middle infielders are sucking some ass at the plate, both are hitting at or under .200.  But that’s not the only thing wrong with the Crew this year.  I give you…

So you stop eating meat and start hitting 220 with no HRs.  Fantastic.  Why not grow some dreadlocks and start doing yoga?  Oh.  You did that too.

On that note I give you…

Yeah, I say it.


What Could Possibly More Depressing?

12 April, 2008

What could be more depressing than a 3 game skid for the Crew?  Milwaukee seems to be bumbling its way through a second consecutive series and frankly they’ve looked like shit after the 6th inning in the last three games.  So what could possibly be worse than that?

Signing the “I won’t let him drive for 12 hours” form after a co-worker gets pulled over for a DUI.  I guess that’s not the bad part of the situation.  The truly depressing portion is the realization that I will have to cover his Saturday shift instead of trying to find a special lady friend.  I’m fucked.  The only consolation I have is that there isn’t a picture like this of me…

it\'s easy to tell when you\'re way too drunk to drive


The Hangover From the Endless Innings.

10 April, 2008

My name is Monkey, and when the Brewers give up multiple runs in 4 consecutive innings, I’m an alcoholic.  After the 6th inning nothing went right for the Crew and the way I feel this morning tells me that no matter what I thought last night, nothing went right for me either.  So here I sit, still disappointed and mildly nauseous, watching the Price Is Right and hoping that both the Brewers and myself can find redemption this afternoon.

But that’s baseball.  That’s life.  There are narrow victories and crushing defeats, uplifting comebacks and depressing collapses.  The real story of a season is told through a teams reaction to the collapses and defeats, Their character is revealed by how they win.  Is that why I love baseball, or is it the hotdogs?

Why do they race?

They Race For Taste!!

So in an hour it’ll be Villanueva vs Harang.  My brothers were pessimistic about today’s matchup last night, but I maintain that Villanueva can throw, plus here’s Harangs line against Milwaukee the last three years:

ERA W L SV SVO G GS CG IP H R ER HR BB SO AVG
3.82 2 1 0 0 9 9 1 63.2 76 27 27 10 16 59 .300

What really gives me hope is the .300 avg he’s giving up.  Also the 10 HRs in 9 games is good news for the home team.  Here’s Villanueva’s split lifetime against the Reds.

ERA W L SV SVO G GS CG IP H R ER HR BB SO AVG
2.31 1 0 0 0 8 3 0 23.1 22 6 6 0 9 19 .259

Not only is the sub 3 ERA encouraging, but so is the 0 HRs given up along with the .259 opp BA are reasons to take the Brewers in this one.

I need breakfast.


Dear KSK, Please go %$#@ Yourselves.

8 April, 2008

Wow. Y’all at KSK consider yourselves the kings of scathingly ironic football commentary, don’t you? Here’s the problem, you aren’t and you don’t even know why. Allow me to explain it through a series of insults, facts, and your own words.

I’ve been meaning to cancel my subscription to Sports Illustrated. Do I really need to know what Kristis Yamaguchi’s favorite food to microwave is? No, I do not. (She said “leftovers,” which isn’t even a fucking specific food. What a whore.) But I need something to read while I’m burning 5 calories an hour on the elliptical at the gym. (It does all the working out for you!)

The elliptical at the gym? I guess it must be a good place to meet guys.

But it’s clear now that I should spend my gym time reading whatever copy of Redbook someone left lying around instead. Because this week’s issue of SI contained a handful of letters to the editor regarding Brett Favre’s retirement that made me want to swallow my own head. And since I had to read this incredible dogshit, you do too.

Yeah, the copy of Redbook “someone” left “lying around”. Just be honest with yourself, it has your name and address on the label. FYI, no one said you HAD to read anything. You sound exactly like the assholes that report obscenities on the radio. “I was minding my own business when the bad man said crap! I was traumatized!” Come off it, no one made you read a damn thing. You read it because you wanted to. You wanted to read the letters so that you wouldn’t have to come up with a new shtick.

Watching his play and his life for 17 years, we didn’t just see Brett Favre in that Number 4 jersey. We saw our uncle, our brother-in-law, or our fishing buddy. No, Brett wasn’t the greatest quarterback ever to have played. He was just the greatest GUY to ever play quarterback. We’re going to miss you, Brett.

-Scott Powell, Rexford, NY

I… I can’t even… must fight… homicidal urges…

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME? YOU MUST BE SHITTING ME. YOU BE OPENING MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW AND SHITTING DIRECTLY INTO IT.

Wow, hyperbole much? At least now I know how you got to be so full of shit.

Here’s who Brett Favre was, Scotty. He was a very good, durable quarterback. Many times, you may have enjoyed watching him play the game with great skill and creativity. When he wasn’t throwing more interceptions than any player in league history. Other than that, you, Scotty Powell, KNOW FUCKING DICK ABOUT BRETT FAVRE. He’s a fucking stranger to you. For all you know, he boned your niece back at Southern Miss after hitting the ‘shine bong. YOU AREN’T FUCKING RELATED TO HIM. HE’S NOT YOUR GODDAMN POKER BUDDY. “Oooh, look at Brett! He likes to hunt! And he has stubble! He’s so much like me, it’s scary!” Jesus.

Nothing quite like a straw man is there? Baggin’ on Scotty because he liked Brett Favre and felt like he could identify with a guy that showed up for work everyday for the last 17 years and never called in sick. It’s not that Scotty doesn’t know dick about Brett Favre outside of his on-field accomplishments either. Scotty probably knows that Favre had a big section of intestine removed during his college career because of an accident. He probably knows that Deanna is Brett’s wife, and that they dated in high school. Scotty probably knows about how Brett’s brother in-law died in an ATV accident, and how Deanna had breast cancer. Also, Scotty would probably be honored if Favre banged his sister. We’ll get back to that “more interceptions than any other player in league history” thing in just a minute.

“Do you know Vince Vaughn? Have you ever met him? I feel like we’d really get along well. I just… he seems like a fun guy. I feel like we’d hang together well.”

This whole thing looks more and more like projection on your part.

There’s no tangible evidence that Brett Favre is a better person than Trent Dilfer, Jim Kelly, or hundreds of other people who have played the position. Maybe one day, I pray, we’ll be able to do a blood test for Kindness and Warmth. But, until that day, KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF.

But wait. There’s more.

Actually, Trent Dilfer is a pretty good guy. He always tried to do the right thing, be a good husband and father, and then lost his 5 year old to disease. I’m sure that fans of the teams that Dilfer played for are familiar with the whole situation, but most of them aren’t too busy looking for an excuse to dust off the text version of an Asian accent to appreciate that everyone has problems, no matter their station.

People would laugh when I said “we” won or lost a game because “You’re not part of the team. You didn’t win or lose.” But I always felt like Brett Favre played for me, the fan, so, yes, we did, win and lose together. Every emotion I felt, I felt with him. Brett, enjoy your retirement. We love you, respect you, and, most of all, we will miss you.

-Anna Garcia, Arbuckle, CA

Actually, Anna, the people laughing at you were on to something. For you see, Brett Favre signed a contract with the Green Bay Packers that stipulated he play football in exchange for money and possible health benefits. It’s in writing. I SWEAR. I’m quite sure Favre was pleased to see fans happy with a Packer victory. Know who else felt the same way? EVERY OTHER PLAYER ON THE TEAM. “Omigod! He won that game just for me!” “Omigod! He felt sad after a loss! I felt the exact same way!” “Omigod! He’s jumping up and down after a touchdown! I DO THAT!”

Indeed. Amazing.

Most every sports fan has at one point used the royal ‘we’. You see, Anna knows that she isn’t actually part of the team, she just feels as though she is. You see, guy, there’s a quality some people have called charisma. I guess your point is “How dare you identify with your favorite player on your favorite team.”

The NBA will never replace Michael Jordan, and the NFL will never replace Brett Favre.

-Craig Earl, North Logan, Utah

Actually, Craig. They replaced him well before he retired. Ever watch Tom Brady or Peyton Manning play quarterback? They’re just like Favre, only they don’t throw 500 ill-advised, back-breaking interceptions a year! Who knew you could have your cake and eat it too?

The thing is, other players may be of the same caliber, but they’ll never BE Michael Jordan or Brett Favre, just like Jordan was never Pistol Pete and LeBron will never be Jordan. Same thing with Favre. He’ll never be Joe Montana, and Tom Brady will never be Favre. Every truly gifted player leaves his own mark, and every one is unique.

Alright, I think its time to address this bullshit about the 288 INTs. Here’s the top 5 in career INTs, along with their attempts per pick.

attempts per INT

266 – Tarkenton – 24.312

267 – Testaverde – 25.0974

268 – Hadl – 17.4888

277 – Blanda – 14.4657

288 – Favre – 30.4097

Oh, and guess who else is in the top ten… Dan Marino. It’s a natural function of playing for 17 years. Over the 16 seasons Favre started he averaged 18 picks a season. Oh, and if Peyton Manning throws picks at the same rate for another 6 years he’ll have 245 on his career. Also, Craig’s letter implies that he wants the cake, but that it will never be eaten.

Do you know what’s happening here? Brett Favre has officially become just like fucking Barbaro. A bunch of retard fans, easily swayed by the “special” status bestowed upon Favre by the media, have begun making all sorts of baseless emotional connections with him. He was more than a quarterback! He was a family member! He attended my wedding in spirit! We have imaginary children together! Our lives are incredibly intertwined!

Enough already. You didn’t know Brett Favre, and he didn’t know you. He played for the team you liked and he was good at it. So much so that he became your favorite player. That’s neat. But you wouldn’t have known him any better if he had been a fucking horse. You admired him from afar. That’s it.

If that isn’t enough for your emotional needs, buy a fucking dog.

Yeah, Drew, we’re all retarded here in Wisconsin. We only discovered how to isolate and grow stem cells. 16 years of Sundays he was on almost every TV in the state, so yeah, people are sad to see him go. You should let them have that attachment, but you begrudge them their fandom. For a guy who seems to think he’s smarter than everyone else I think you missed the point. Writing a post that compares Favre to Barbaro is indeed ironic, but only because all you’re doing now is beating a dead fucking horse.

Go Fuck Yourself,


How to Get Your School an Extra Football Scholarship

7 April, 2008

Make him play basketball too.

boombalatty

Of course if you do some research you’ll find that Pierre Niles plays his basketball under an alias, as there is no Niles listed on the Memphis football roster. Occam’s Razor would tell me that Pierre only plays basketball, but I have a hard time believing that a 310 lb man who stands 6-8 is only a forward and not a left tackle as well. As I write this Memphis leads by 4 by 6. God bless the fat man, you give hope to 63% of America. On that note, I think I’ll have a sandwich.


Wait. That’s not how you spell College…

7 April, 2008