Opening Day, Live with the Monkey, Milk, and Peteson…

4:26 am – I’m done with work. Now I have to pack a bag because I am going to visit my brothers in Oshkosh for opening day. I have a full day of drinking, brats, burgers and baseball ahead of me, and the journey starts now. There’s less than 9 hours until the first pitch, how could I sleep?

7:23 – Arrive in Oshkosh after dicking around before driving up. I arrive to find myself locked out, despite the fact Milk promised the back door would be open. Lucky for me he was awake and let me in promptly.

7:43 am – Milk and Peteson have the new Steven Seagal movie, Pistol Whipped, on the DVR. in the first two minutes (probably) the best scenes have used as a quasi trailer/opening credits sequence, Seagal’s character has already been concretely defined, and there was a poorly shot poker sequence. This should get usa viewers by until Casino Royale makes its network debut.

7:54 – Steven Seagal is turning his characters life around!!! Also Steven is always just ‘passing through’ in all of his movies,

7:58 – “It’s a new record, it’s over a half hour into the movie and he hasn’t killed anybody yet” – Milk

8:03 – Multi-cultural Love Interest!! WHOO!

9:19 – And now, the exciting conclusion of Pistol Whipped.

9:31 am – A 3 car chase scene, a graveyard shootout, a “sexy fling” with a Condaleeza Rice look a like? The only way it could be better is if I hadn’t just watched the edited for TV version with blurred out titties and motherfreakers.

10:01 – The Weather Channel is showing a rather large storm system headed for Chicago. How awesome is the MLB scheduling office, choosing Chicago to host the first series when Milwaukee has a roof. Fucking Brilliant.

10:33 – Drew Carey is trying to give away a catameran on the Price is Right. Still no word about a possible rain out in Chicago.

11:15 am – Still no news about a rain out, but John Kruk’s testicle is on the TV, so I’ll deal. Also, I miss Harold Reynolds, I hate Eric Young. I hated him as a Cub, I hated him as a Brewer, and I hate him as an analyst.

11:40 – The tarp is on the field and Zambrano has just been called flambouyant.

12:18 – KC/DET on the ESPN. It’s nice that baseball’s back.

12:24 – 2 on 2 out for Detroit, Yankees on a rain delay. I hope I don’t have to watch this whole game if the Brewers/Cubs get rained out.

12:41 – What does ESPN call it when they promise a Toronto NewYork matchup and deliver Kansas City and Detroit instead? Bonus Coverage.

1:08 – No rain in Chicago (yet).

1:14 – “I came home from work the other day with the scent o strawberry daquaris in the air. All I could hear was ‘HOUSE! SHED! CAR! and the men I thought had penises were actually women. They were playing Pictionary” -Z.L. Quote of the day and the game hasn’t started yet.

1:27 – The Brewers are on 3 channels here in Oshkosh. Three Channels. I’m almost tempted to put on the WGN feed just to see if my brothers notice.

1:38 – Rain delay. Tempted to watch the Price is Right on YouTube.

1:40 – Dude on WGN is talking about “creatures of habit”. At least they have Wrigley on their screen. Today feels like the preamble to a career ending injury.

1:43 – National Anthem. Mention of the NIU school shooting. What a way to bring light to a gray rainy chilly day in mother-f$#@ing Chigago.

1:47 – Jesus Christ. Enough with the melodramatic bullshit. A Royal old school trumpet entrance music for Ernie Banks? It sounded like a good idea when you planned it three months ago, but today when it’s thirty nine degrees and rainy it seems kind of like this could have been done in May.

1:53 pm – “Write that down. Ernie Banks can hardly feed himself” – Peteson.

– “Let’s throw a fucking pitch already”

1:55 – Ernie Banks throws one way outside. I take this as a good omen. Also, now that the post first pitch commercials have been run I am a little excited about things only to for the rain to keep coming down. At least the Cubs all have to stand in the rain first. The weather is now bordering on pouring buckets.

2 :00 pm – It looks like they’re going to actually play in a fog game. When the camera moves further away from the action the more apparent the fog becomes. Ricky Weeks K’s and Jr gets an infield single, and the Wrigley cameras above the first deck are all fogged over.

2:05 – The quality of the TV Broadcast is terrible. How do you like your HDTV now?? Gwynn steals third. Braun pops out, middle of 1.

“@#$%, for 13 dollars I be a macademia nut.” Miller advertising campaign.

2:10 – 1 out for Ben Sheets. Pie is batting 8th. I predict now that a Chicago paper will lead the sports page with the headline “As American as Apple Pie” but mean the Pee-ay pronunciation instead of the Pie pronunciation. they will think that this is very humorous. 2 out on no out and then Lee K’s. end of one.

2:14 – Not now Jerry.

2:22 – Brewers go 3 up 3 down, middle of two.

2:23 – How long does a game have to go to be official. Fans hold Japanese signs that I hope were translated by a vengeful interpreter as Fukudome doubles. DeRossa hits a sac fly, and Sheets is getting hit pretty hard. FSN goes out of its way to show fat half-naked Cubs fans with FUKU pantied in alternating read and blue paint.

2:29 -Runners at the corners and an almost passed ball almost give me a heart attack. Cub threat ends.

2:35 – Batting eight, Sheets strikes out and I’m not exactly blown away by that decision. Kendall walks and the agreement is made to take shots of Korbel Brandy for every Brewers run scored and every homerun the Brewers give up. A pop up means that 2 are gone with Kendall standing on first in the rain. Underwhelmed thusfar.

2:42 – Why did you even start the game?? There’s 1 out in the bottom of the third, and I thought that this was a sure-fire season-ending groin pull. Now, here we are with a rain delay. I’m going to have another smoke.


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