And no, I speak not only of the Co$ raids, but also of a discovery made at work today. But first, some links…
So anyways, to set the table for my big discovery at work today…The place where I work is changing GM’s and so the new guy (who’s actually the old guy) went on a re-organization bender. One of the many things he uncovered in the course of the maelstorm was simply titled “Driver’s Handbook“. At first I thought he meant to make us all comply with the directives enclosed within, but after flipping through perhaps 15 pages I realized that the folks who put together this hilarious waste of paper had no clue as to how pizzas actually get delivered.
Yesterday I d/l’d a whole .rar of C0$ training manuals. Thank you MediaFire…I am still in the process of reading through them all….
Meanwhile, in the present…..
I think that I will give you my favorite parts of the Driver’s Handbook, as well as a quote from LRH. I’m doing this for your lulz, but if anyone asks, tell them it is serious business.
Section 1 of Driver’s Handbook
“The #1 Rule of the job is:BE THERE, or get a substitute…”
—Umm. Yeah, pretty much sums it up. So I guess there no need to go any further. So lets go further…
“Check the schedule…to avoid missing your shift.”
under list of things to have in your car – “NON COMPANY JACKET OR SHIRT in the car. If you’re involved in an accident it may help to remove your company shirt….to avoid bringing attention to yourself.”
—Good Idea. That’ll be the first thing I do after an accident. Change my Shirt. Nice advice douche. Like I even wear a uniform.
Section 3 – Personal Appearance Code
“Beard – Male drivers should be clean shaven upon arriving at work. a 24-hour growth or ‘5 o’clock shadow’ is discouraged”
—Clean shaven delivery drivers? Srsly?
“Socks – Socks are required.”
—Killjoy. FYI – Pants are also required.
“Jewelry – Jewelry is limited to a wedding band (with no expensive gems) and an inexpensive watch….Expensive Jewelry can threaten team members security…Unusual jewelry can alarm some customers and therefore is discouraged.”
—Just so we’re clear, are diamonds considered ‘expensive gems’? How inexpensive a watch are we talking here? Seiko? Casio? Pokemon? And does Ed really have to remove the nipple rings before his shift?
“Smoking and Personal Habits – Smoking is prohibited in the work area and while delivering.“
—Ummm, right. Everyone is now fired.
Section 7. Handle Food With Care
“Put the drinks in the passenger side footwell.”
—NOOOOOOOOO. WRONG. Perfect recipe for exploding Cokes. How did this not get changed before publishing? Your advice is to have 2-ltrs rolling around on the floor of my car?
Section 8 – Drive Safely
—This section is my second favorite….
“DRIVE THE SPEED LIMIT AT ALL TIMES – even if it means a late order.”
—-HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA HHHAAAAAAAHAHAAA HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…Wait, wait, let me catch my breath. I think you forgot the don’t in there…
“PLACE YOUR LEFT FOOT OVER THE BRAKE PEDAL while going through intersections. It can reduce reaction times by 2/3”
—LOL, WUT? My left foot is for the clutch. Why not just give even more terrible advice and say “to stop the quickest, press both the gas and brake to the floor.”? Is this a delivery manual or the worst drivers ed course anyone has ever taken?
“LOOK BEHIND (turn your head) when backing up, and back up slowly.”
—RLY? You thought I needed to be told to look BEHIND my car when I was going BACKWARDS? Who are you people hiring??
“WHEN PLAYING MUSIC, KEEP THE VOLUME LOW, so that you can hear a honking horn or yelling pedestrians. Also, to promote calmness and safe driving, play slow relaxing music — not hard rock.”
—W. T. F??? So now you’re picking my music for me? Do I get written up for listening to some RATM??? (Note – Reading this aloud at work caused a spontaneous recitation of this scene from the Big Lebowski — I’m perfectly calm Dude. waving the fuckin’ gun around Walter?? Calmer than you are.)
“Wear corrective lenses if it’s required by your driver’s liscence.”
—Again, who the fuck are you hiring? Q: How many people who need glasses/contacts have to be told to wear them? A: Not even the retarded ones.
“Drive calmly and with positive feelings. ….Leave personal problems and tension outside the car….Also, if you play music, listen to slow relaxing music – not hard rock – as slower music promotes calmness and safe driving.”
—Drive calmly and with positive feelings?? What, are we all supposed to be ###s now?? Two additional points -> A. My car is where I go to work out my personal problems and tension. B. Again with the no hard rock rule? Am I going to be issued the John Tesh box set?
Section 9. Go Directly to Address
“Don’t stop at a store or gas station – you should have eaten and filled your gas tank before work.”
—Listen up assholes, I’m working a 10+ hour shift and that sandwich I had at 4 isn’t going to tide me over all night. Also, if you think I’m going to run my car on fumes for an hour you can kiss my ass. I’ll stop where and when I need to, and the best part is you’ll never ever know about it.
“HINT: Usually all even numbered addresses will be on one side; odd-numbered on the other”
—*puts head in hands*
“HINT: Blocks are often numbered by the 100’s. That means for example that if a block contains house numbers in the 4300’s the next block will likely be either 4200’s or 4400’s”
—*groans loudly while imagining having to sit through these hints in an orientation session*
Section on Impressing the Customer at the Door has been skipped because I would have to type out the whole thing. While this was all funny to me 8 hours ago, Writing these quotes out for you is beginning to take its toll. Oh, the Stupidity!!
OK, reversal of previous decision, these next two quotes are great ways to be injured/look moronic…
“Give their pooch a pet treat. The beloved family Fido…..(blah blah blah)”
—Obviously written by someone who has never been bitten by a dog. Also quite a few dog owners don’t like strangers to feed their dogs. They buy a specific brand of biscuit because dogs eating strange food can be a recipe for turds on the carpet. And you call this a tip builder.
“Hustle from your car to the Customer’s door….By hustling you impress the customer, and anyone else who’s watching with your desire to give the fastest service possible.”
—Also, customers love it when you trip and drop all of their food on the lawn. The reason I speed is so that I don’t have run like a jack-ass while carrying a bag full of food. Also, since just prior to this comment the Manual again reminds you to wear a complete uniform, the above comment is just to assure that you will in fact look retarded while doing your job. Congratulations, GED class of 2000. Just remember one thing: There is no sex in a Domino’s uniform.
“– While giving change, FIRST count back the bills, THEN give the coins.”
—NEVER GIVE COINS. COINS PISS PEOPLE OFF. IF ITS $19.01 JUST GIVE EM $1 BACK, AND QUIT SCREWING AROUND. IF THEY WANTED TO GET EXACT CHANGE BACK THEY’D HAVE HAD THAT 27 CENTS. MY POCKETS ARE NOT A CHANGE DRAWER, I DEAL IN FOLDING MONEY ONLY! (unless you want to give quarters. Quarters are OK.)
Now comes my personal favorite section, and although there are many more wasted pages to this fiasco of a training manuel, none more so than the next few pages. Out of perhaps 30 or so total pages, a full 6 deal with Robbery (and what to do.) I suggest that you read these next quotes and take them as good examples of what NOT to do. But first HERE IS A PICTURE!!!
“Glance at the back seat before getting in your car, to make sure no robber is waiting.”
—HAAAAHAHAHA!!1! What is this, and urban legend spun wildly out of control? This is a campfire story…’and when the turned around, THERE WAS A ROBBER IN THE BACKSEAT!!!’ Get fucking real. This is a great line to scare a pussy into quitting, but this shit only happens in movies. It’s like you’re telling me to be afraid…be very afraid…WOOOOOO. I half expected the next line to be ‘DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS’ I mean, come on, the guy would have just stolen your car….
This next one is about delivering (or not) to a suspicious looking building – “…whenever you have doubts about an order, don’t deliver it. Follow your “instincts” at all times.”
—This is a great way to get fired. Also, “instincts” is actually a code word for “racist thoughts”.
“13. When sidewalk conditions allow, RUN from your car to the Customer’s door. – A running person looks purposeful and in-control, which discourages robbers….In conclusion, don’t appear lost or scared, but act confident and like you know what you’re doing. Robbers don’t like approaching confident looking people”
—Biggest load of horse shit anyone has ever typed. Running people in a low-rent neighborhood look lost and scared. Also, if you are taking this advice and trying to “look like you know what you’re doing” then relax, because you obviously don’t have a clue what you’re doing, fig nuts. Also, this manual makes it seem as if there are robbers just waiting everywhere for pizzas to be delivered. Most robberies are setups, not split second decisions about a driver’s lack of confidence.
This next one is my favorite…
“14. After you’ve completed the sales transaction, say to the Customer, ‘Would you watch me to my car, please.’ Customers are willing to do it if asked. Then RUN to your car.”
—HHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAA!!!1. Please for the love of God, my belly is going to explode. I can’t imagine ever asking anyone to do this, much less sprinting back to my car while they watch. Just try to picture that scenario. Readers are willing to do it if asked.
Manual on setup robberies – “…If you ever suspect that you’ve been setup for such a robbery, ask the person at the door to watch you back to your car. Then RUN back to your car and lock yourself inside.”
—HAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA………Ha…. Too Much lulz, can’t catch breath…..
I’m done with the Driver’s Handbook….
I can’t take it anymore..
(note – all emphasis, caps, bold and italics are the original authors doing, not mine. I have no embellished or taken anything out of context.)
Here is a quote instead from LRH’s Advanced Procedures and Axioms
“Each and every aberration of the human mind and the human body has an initial
postulate to be so aberrated. Engrams are effective only when the individual himself
determines that they will be effective.”
AND NOW A PICTURE!!