So it’s that wonderful time of year again, no not New Years Eve you roofie-carrying date-raping scumbag, the fucking NFL Playoffs are here. It’s so fucking exciting I just shit all over my hands. I would wash them but I hate this microsoft curvy keyboard, all the keys are different sizes, piece of shit keyboard and think it only fitting that it gets covered in my shit to reflect the Aristotlelian idea of form matching content.
Anyways, the thing that sucks about this years NFL Playoffs is that the outcome has pretty much been decided. I mean I live in Wisconsin and so I’m sure I’ll get to read some previews with the Packers winning it all and whatnot, but there is a general consensus nationally that the final four teams will be the Packers, Cowboys, Colts, and
Nazis Patriots and that the Cowboys will lose to the escaped prison rapists Patriots in the Super Bowl. Since this scenario is very likely and I can’t really argue against it I guess the NFL playoffs are kind of a formality, so I think I’ll just cheer for the underdog every game because I like having by heart ripped out and stomped on. Anyway onto the games:
Game 1 Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
Pittsburgh really misses
fast crippledWilly Parker but they miss Bill Cowher and Ken Whisenhunt even more as this team’s defense kind of isn’t what it once was. In a physical game the Jaguars manage to squeak out a victory 38-10 as Pittsburgh fans pelt the field with plastic beer bottles and collectible ninja stars (who thinks of these fucking promotions anyways). Omar Epps gives a good press conference but you get the feeling he won’t be around in Pittsburgh for a million fucking years like everyone else.
Game 2 Redskins at Seahawks
I will probably skip this game as I think it will be a boring ugly affair, like a 50-year old middle manager having an affair with another 50-year old middle manager in a sleazy hotel room. I mean do you really want to watch that? One team will win and then lost next week but I’m just going to pretend that this game never happened.
Game 3 Titans at Chargers
Vince Young just sucks at quarterbacking, but so does Philip Rivers. If either of these teams had a decent quarterback they would be a really good team. Instead we get to watch which quarterback wants to give the game away more. San Diego has more talent but VY likes the big game, I think the Chargers win by a field goal in overtime – 41-17.
Game 4 Giants at Bucs
Eli Manning looked good last week, so he’s going to throw at least 3 picks next game. That being said I just think the Bucs kind of suck. Fuck I can’t believe one of these teams is going to win a playoff football game. I really like the Giants 3rd receiver matching up against the Bucs nickelback (the bottom of every bottle…) so I’ll take the Giants in a blowout – 24-20