I done good. Real good. 13-3 good. Awesome, right? I missed Atlanta, Carolina and Baltimore, but I don’t really care. Thirteen is pretty good. I really like week 17, it makes it so much easier to pick the games when the good teams don’t play their starters. So how did the DVOA do? The Answer? 7-9. My victory feels tainted. But a W’s a W, unless he’s a stuttering buffoon. The Standings from week 5 through the end of the regular season look like this…
DVOA — 134 – 59
Monkey — 126 – 67
So through the regular season, I fall 8 games short of besting the machine. Good thing there’s still the Playoffs…..and speaking of Playoffs….
Escape to The Playoffs
Now that the playoff participants are set I feel compelled to assign alternate identities to each team. I need a theme with a strong protagonist, a powerful antagonist, and strong story arcs. How about Escape From New York?
New York is the Girl in the Chock Full ‘O Nuts. They’ll never see their own demise coming, and be dragged down into the Subway and eaten by the mole people.
Tennessee is the Secretary of State. Not too many lines, they are essentially unessential. There really isn’t much that could convince me the Titan’s will make a splash in the playoffs
Washington would be a mob of The Crazies. Not the Cameron Crazies, or the Wild and Crazy Guys. Right now the Redskins seem to be a mob of flesh-craving murderous criminals that live in the abandoned NY Subway Tunnels. They have the potential to mess some people up in the playoffs.
Tampa Bay would be Romero the Wierdo. Seemingly in command of the situation, and just a bit crazy. I mean who would have thought that Jeff Garcia and Joey Galloway would become renaissance men in Tampa? I’m waiting for a moment in the Giants game where Gruden gives Coughlin Eli Mannings severed finger wrapped in a handkerchief.
Seattle would be the Police Commisioner Bob Hauk, and not only because his mustache resembles Holmgren’s, but also because they have been playing – and winning – on Hasselbeck’s authority, and just like Hauk does to Snake, they can put some teams in awkward positions.
Pittsburgh is the Duke’s champion wrestler. Strong in appearance, and winner of the first round, where the fight is only with baseball bats, but come the 2nd round, when the bats are spiked and the combatants have shields their lack of speed (i.e. – Willie Parker) will be their downfall.
San Diego is Cabbie. They show up, get from point A to point B, but besides having a sweet set of wheels (i.e. Tomlinson) and a bitchin’ cassette collection, there isn’t much they can do in the loaded AFC. Sure, they’re clearly better than the Titans and Steelers, but do they have the talent to get past the Jags, Pats, or Colts?
Dallas would be the Brain. They have the map to escape New York, but they are under the control of a maniacal madman (i.e. Jerry Jones) who’s crazy plan is to take the President hostage to escape the 50 foot walls surrounding his prison-esque Irving home and ultimately Dallas ends up a bullet-ridden corpse on the G.W. Bridge
Jacksonville would be…..Maggie, played by Adrienne Barbeau. The Brain’s squeeze meets her end standing her ground against a Cadillac, which is an apt metaphor for the Jags. They will stick to their guns and play tenacious defense, but eventually get run down by some bad motherfucker in a sweet ride with chandeliers mounted on the hood.
Indianapolis is The Duke of New York. They are the bad motherfuckers who will run you down in a chandeliered Caddy. Nobody wants to cross these guys, especially with Marvin Harrison back. They are the returning Super Bowl champs, and despite the Pat’s unbeaten regular season, until someone beats Indy in the playoffs they are still large and in charge. THEY ARE DUKE OF NEW YORK A#1!!!!
New England Patriots are The President of the United States. They have survived a plane crash, being taken hostage, handcuffed to a wall and shot at by a power-crazy Isaac Hayes only to get his revenge by gunning down the Duke as he scaled the wall. Theoretically the most powerful man in the free world, POTUS makes it over the wall, and the only one to best him is….
The Green Bay Packers as Snake Plissken. A bad dude who no one thought would succeed, who against all odds managed a first round playoff bye, rescued the president from the Duke, killed a bunch of crazies, bullied the Brain, killed the Wrestler with a spiky bat to the head, and then when the President gave him the brush-off, he gave the country that turned its back on him the fuck you, substituting cabbies jazz for the all-important tritium tape, thus dooming the peace talks. And I’m a total Homer, so of course the Packers get to be the hero….