Week 17 Man Vs. Machine: The Reckoning

I need to stop complaining…

The officiating didn’t cost the Packers the game on Sunday, but there was one point where I was shocked to see what one particular ref was doing. He (Jim Quirk) had Nick Barnett in a headlock. I told my brother that ref was lucky Barnett didn’t assume it was a player grabbing him and just deck the ref. It turns out I wasn’t seeing things, and ESPN picked up on the story.


I did some research, and this was not the first time that Jim Quirk (ref #5) has tackled a player on the field.

Week 16 Wrap-up

The Man vs. Machine standings from week 5 through week 16 are as follows…
DVOA -> 127 – 50 – (12-4)

Monkey -> 113 – 64 – (11-5)

As I already wrote about how I failed to pick up a game, again, I’ll just get right to week 17…After I ask if you think Olivia Wilde or Rachel Leigh Cook is sexier….

Olivia Wilde rachel leigh cook


The Picks


New England @ NY Giants

DVOA –>NE by 56.2%

Monkey–>RULE # 1 of the 2007 NFL Season – Always pick the New England Patriots. Always. Pats by 10.


Seattle @ Atlanta

DVOA –>SEA by 43.4%

Monkey–>Seattle probably won’t play starters for very long, but even keeping that in mind I think that Atlanta is pretty much a team of second stringers, so….Seahawks by 7.

San Francisco @ Cleveland

DVOA –>CLE by 40.6%

Monkey–>With Tennessee breathing down their necks the Browns had better come to play today against the all-of-a-sudden-upstart-minded Niners. It’s as if Emilio Estevez came through a time warp from 1992 and gave the 49ers the “Ducks Fly Together” speech before the Bengals game. However much I want the Pats to get a lower pick, I don’t think that San Francisco can extend the winning streak to 3. I’ll take the Browns by 12.

New Orleans @ Chicago

DVOA –>NO by 2.9%

Monkey–> I am not forgetting that Reggie Bush and Deuce are not healthy again. I swear. Da Bears (suck, but still win) by 3.

Cincinnati @ Miami

DVOA –>CIN by 30%

Monkey–>THEORY #2 of the 2007 NFL Season: Never Pick the Miami Dolphins. Ever. Bengals by 10.

Buffalo @ Philadelphia

DVOA –>PHI by 13.5%

Monkey–>Two teams enter, One team leaves (with a winning record). Who will it be? Andy Reid’s mustache or Marshawn Lynch’s dreadlocks? Personally I don’t care a whole lot, but I would like the Patriots undefeatedness to be marred by being the only team in the division with a .500 or higher winning percentage, ergo Eagles by 14.


Carolina @ Tampa Bay

DVOA –>TB by 40.6%

Monkey–>Tampa Bay, who will they play? But on the other hand, does it matter who Carolina plays? No matter how short the starters appearance for the Bucs is, I like Tampa Bay by 3.


Detroit @ Green Bay

DVOA –>GB by 36.7%

Monkey–>Total Packer Homer Totally Looking Forward to a Huge Helping of Aaron Rodgers. Packers by 10. Do You Like My DisRegard For CapitaliZation RuLeS?

Jacksonville @ Houston

DVOA –>JAC by 35.3%

Monkey–>With Jacksonville unable to improve their seed I doubt very much that Fred Taylor of MJD will see much of the field. Honestly, I don’t think that Jacksonville will really care too much about this game, but it means something to the Texans, who will be gunning for a .500 record. I don’t know exactly how this will happen, but Texans by 4.


Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

DVOA –>PIT by 30.3%

Monkey–>If the backup RB becomes the starter, and then the next week the coach wants to rest the starters, does Najeh Davenport play the whole game? I think he will. The headline on Monday? Najeh Poops on Raven’s Party. Steelers by 7.


Dallas @ Washington

DVOA –>DAL by 25.5%

Monkey–>Terry Glenn could end up playing the entire game, but I don’t think the same will be said about Tony Romo and the rest of the Dallas starters.  Washington’s starters will most definitely play the entire game, and I expect Clinton Portis to have a monster second half, especially with the Redskins playoff lives on the line.  Washington by 7.


St. Louis @ Arizona

DVOA –>ARI by 22%

Monkey–>Kurt Warners last hurrah.  At least this season’s last hurrah.  I know that the Rams have had a better-than-terrible 2nd half of the season, but Arizona would love to finish at .500 for the first time since 1998.  Cards by 2.


Minnesota @ Denver

DVOA –>MIN by 12%

Monkey–>Minnesota wins and they’re in.  Oh wait, that’s right, if they win and Washington loses, they’re in.  I think that Minny watches the scoreboard and throws in the towel when Washington goes up on Dallas.  Denver pulls the upset by 6.


San Diego @ Oakland

DVOA –>SD by 52.8%

Monkey–>LDT probably won’t play, but Oakland is just plain awful.  Like Bottom 8 awful, and quite a few of San Diego’s second stringers could play every down for the Raiders.  SD by 5.

Kansas City @ NY Jets

DVOA –>KC by 0.9%

Monkey–>Herm Edwards is returning to NY to play his old team.  I’m pretty sure that no one has noticed, except for Jets fans who are thinking what I’m thinking.  Jets win big, by 17.

Tennessee @ Indianapolis

DVOA –>IND by 32.7%

Monkey–>Indy won’t be playing their starters for very long, and Tennessee is playing to make the postseason.  How many times have I written that today?  I AM looking forward to beholding the Averageness/Badgerness that is Jim Sorgi, but I can’t in good faith pick the Colts, Titans by 4.


2 Responses to Week 17 Man Vs. Machine: The Reckoning

  1. joseffreedom says:

    Oliva Wilde >>> Rachael Leigh Cook except if RLC has on paint covered overalls and glasses, win which case the orders are reversed. This is part of the Pam Beasley theorem which states that pretty women become more attractive as they dress less attractively because they seem attainable by the everyman. So while I know I have no chance with Olivia Wilde, I think I might be able to nab RLC if she was wearing paint covered overalls and glasses, thus I become more interested in her.

    Oh and they are both more attractive when they aren’t dressed like whores, I’d triple-wrap if they looked like that and then pray that I didn’t roll snakes eyes for the lifetime of herpes.


  2. OMAR says:

    Jokes about The Pooper never get old. I’m telling you. Don’t look in the closet.

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