Dear Chuck Norris,

What happened? Seriously, what happened that made you do these horrible things? This is not the Chuck Norris that I know. This is not the Chuck Norris that played Chuck Slaughter in 1974’s Slaughter in San Francisco. This is not the Chuck Norris that played Lone Wolf McCade, or Colonel James Braddock. You played Braddock 3 times, remember Chuck?

Can you try to remember please, that you used to kick ass and take names. How many White Men with Beards can say that they were in a Bruce Lee movie? Well, You can Chuck, and personally I wold like to see you act like it. Where is the man who made 99 Episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger? How many asses have you kicked Chuck? 1,000? 2,000? 10,000? 1,000,000? Why has your new wife Gina buried that ass-kicking, full-beard-wearing, martial-arts-expert-Texas-Lawman underneath a slightly pudgy, mustachioed, Ned-Flanders facade?

There was a time when you inspired me, Chuck. It was my adolescence and I was troubled, and confused. But then I saw Logan’s War-Bound by Honor, and all of that was behind me. You weren’t just Logan’s Uncle Jake, You became MY Uncle Jake as well. When you trained him and helped him to plot the revenge killings of those reponsible for his parents deaths, you were really helping me to do the same. You were like a father/uncle/sensei to me, but now Chuck, I just don’t know anymore….

Please come back to us, Mr. Norris, and Gina if you are reading this letter, please let Chuck have his testicles back, because he needs them. We need them. The World needs them.

Sincerely,

Monkey

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3 Responses to Dear Chuck Norris,

  1. joseffreedom says:

    I want the washed-up chuck norris who did sidekicks with that loser from seaquest back. I mean I want a chuck norris who will blow me for 5 dollars, not to have him do it- that beard would be deadly- just to laugh in his face and drive away.

  2. evenchunkiermonkey says:

    I guess I just wanted to forget about ‘Bowflex’ Chuck Norris.

  3. evenchunkiermonkey says:

    Or is it “Total Gym” Chuck Norris?

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