Evel Knievel Attempts Record Jump Over Pearly Gates

Evel Knievel will attempt to set a new celestial record today by being the first of Gods Children to attempt a motorcyle jump over the Pearly Gates, which measure an incredible 144 cubits high. The previous record was held by Russell M. Saunders who cleared the river of the water of life on a custom-built dirt bike that was rumored to have been a gift from Jesus himself.

Heaven’s denizins, still puzzled over how Evel managed to bring his Harley Davidson XR-750 with him into the afterlife, plan to turn out in numbers that could challenge the previous record for spectators at a heavenly sporting event set in late 2001 when 124,564 attended Dale Earnhardt’s victory in the Paradise 500. Earnhardt won that race in the last two laps by forcing both Kenny Irwin and Juan Manuel Fangio into the wall.

But not everyone was happy that Evel will be attempting such a feat. One source close to Our Heavenly Father spoke on the condition of anonymity, saying “The pride of your heart has deceived you, you who live in the clefts of the rocks and make your home on the heights, you who say to yourself, ‘Who can bring me down to the ground?’” However Evel was not deterred by the criticism, telling this reporter that the jump is still on.

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