The Race to the Bottom
With the NBA trying to eliminate the problem of tanking it seems strange that the NFL is seeing the prospect of the first ever defeated season. At least Ed Hochuli is too ripped to be intimidated into fixing games…. So here’s the bottom 7
(1) Miami (0-10) – The clear front-runners. Er, I mean the straggler bringing up the rear. Um, I mean the Dolphins are a little like a stupid guy who spends all his spare change on lottery tickets hoping for the big pay day so he can quit his crappy McJob. No matter who they get in the 1st round, they’ll still be the favorite for NEXT years 1st overall pick.
San Francisco (2-8) New England (11-0) – Mike Nolan wears designer suits, has an NFL coaching pedigree, and traded his first round pick to New England. Personally I think he’s an asshat (see definition 2). San Francisco has only scored 113 points through 10 games, which is far and away the worst output in the league. The ‘Niners are on track to hand New England a primo pick.
(3) Oakland (2-8) – There isn’t one game left on their schedule that I think they’ll win. With no solid starter at QB, they’ll be in line to pick 3rd. I have no doubt Al Davis will pick someone projected late in the 1st round with character issues. You can email me to tell me I was right when it happens.
(4) NY Jets (2-9) – Hopefully the Jets will use this pick wisely. The only realistic chance I see for them to get a win is their upcoming game against the ‘Phins, which is the reason they’re #4. I hope that their management has the good sense to spend this pick on defense.
(5) St.Louis (2-8) – A few games against bad teams, and the return of Steven Jackson means that they will likely finish better than the Raiders or Jets. Still, they aren’t so untalented, but their coach is about as much a leader as George W Bush. 30% of Rams fans will stick with him citing injuries as the cause of the Rams poor start, while 70% will demand the head of Linehan on a platter, then give up in frustration as he keeps his job for 8 years.
(6)Atlanta (3-7) – The Falcons could get one more win with a game against the Rams. Other than that, they could lose out, which means that they are deserving of the number 6 overall pick.
(7) Cincinnati (3-7) – Of all the bottom feeders, Cincinnati has the best chance at a 7-9 season. With games against St.Louis, San Francisco, and Miami they could well fall out of the top ten. Er. Bottom 10? How about first ten picks.
The “I’m Chris Hanson, Take a Seat” Picks for Week 12
New Orleans @ Carolina
DVOA –>NO by 6.7% (both -)
Monkey –> It’s hard to hate on Testaverde’s effort this year, and with Steve Smith coming back, I like the Panther’s at home this week, Carolina by 7.
Tennessee @ Cincinnati
DVOA –>TEN by 5% (TEN +, CIN -)
Monkey –> The Bengals can’t really be this terrible right? I get the feeling that they’re due. Henry is back, so Carson Palmer has 3 viable passing options, and that should open up the run game. Plus, I think this is a ‘Bad Vince’ week. I think he’ll be overconfident and make some bad throws early. The Titans aren’t getting much more than 170 yards per game through the air, and I think they will be forced to throw to keep pace. Bengals by 3.
Houston @ Cleveland
DVOA –>CLE by 14.8% (CLE +, HOU -)
Monkey –> With Andre Johnson back the Browns won’t just be fearing Ron Dayne this week. I’m also not sure that the Derek Anderson experience won’t turn ugly this week. With all that said, I feel like I’m way out on a limb picking the Texans by 3.
Buffalo @ Jacksonville
DVOA –>JAC by 18.8% (JAC +, BUF -)
Monkey –>I’m pretty sure that Garrad is back this week. Plus the Jags have the 2nd best running game in the AFC, and the Bills are mediocre to poor on defense. Take the Jags by 10.
Oakland @ Kansas City
DVOA –>KC by 25.% (both -)
Monkey –>Oakland is bad, and I’ve made the mistake of picking them too many times this year. Honestly, they have the second worst QB situation in the league. couple that with the most incompetent, senile, fashion-impaired owner in the league, and 60% of the time you get a badly losing record every time. Even without Johnson or Holmes, I’d take KC by 3.
Minnesota @ New York Giants
DVOA –>NY Giants by 5.9% (both +)
Monkey –> While I feel the Giants have been overrated for most of the season, they are better than Lions, the Vikings, the Bears, oh my. Maybe I was too quick to say that Oakland had the 2nd worst QB situation in the league. Minnesota would be better off with Daunte Culpepper on the roster, that’s for sure. Giants by 14.
Seattle @ St. Louis
DVOA –>SEA by 43.6% (SEA +, STL -)
Monkey –> Maybe the DVOA wouldn’t be such a huge split in this one if Steven Jackson had been healthy all season. Maybe not, I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. I do know that despite Shaun Alexander being a giant turd this year the Seahawks are still successful, so in this crap division game, I’m taking the Seahawks by 5.
Washington @ Tampa Bay
DVOA –>TB by 13.1% (both +)
Monkey –>Tampa’s defense is pretty good, and Washington is fading faster than Micheal J. Fox in Back to The Future. Even though the movie ends with Marty McFly restored to his natural opaque state I don’t see it in the cards for the Skin (who are 1-3 in their last 4) Plus Jeff Garcia is married to this chick. Buc’s by 9.
San Francisco @ Arizona
DVOA –>ARI by 50.5% (both -)
Monkey –> Easy pick. Easier than Oreos versus Hydrox. Arizona by 12. And I get bonus points if SF doesn’t score a TD.
Denver @ Chicago
DVOA –>DEN by 20.3% (DEN +, CHI -)
Monkey –>I think this game could be the first time that the Bronco’s hold a back to under 100 yards. The Bears made so many mistakes this offseason, from pissing off Lance Briggs, to cutting Tank Johnson, to forgetting to re-sign Thomas Jones, to hanging their hat on Rex Grossman, to making Cedric Benson their 1st string running back….shall I continue? Bronco’s by 1.
Baltimore @ San Diego
DVOA –>SD by 27% (SD +, BAL -)
Monkey –>I swear to God Norv, if you let the Ravens score more than 9 points….Seriously Norv…if that’s your real name, the Ravens have been second only to San Francisco in offensive futility, so if you don’t win this one and fall back below .500 everyone in San Diego will be well within their rights to publicly castrate you. SD by 10.
Philadelphia @ New England
DVOA –>NE by 67.8% (both +)
Monkey –>Rule #1 of the 2007 regular season is never pick against the Pats. Ever. New England by 35.
Miami @ Pittsburgh
DVOA –> PIT by 43.7% (PIT +,MIA -)
Monkey –>Rule #2 of the 2007 regular season is never pick the Dolphins. Even to cover. PIT by 21.
THE SUB-.500 WILDCARD
The team most likely to make the playoffs as a sub-.500 wildcard are the Arizona Cardinals. With only 6 teams in the NFC above .500 there is a distinct possibility that the Cards could sneak in finishing at 7-9.