I hate your coach and your sister is a stripper

In today’s segment I shall either examine the correlation between sweaty ball smell and why excess skin friction on the severely obese leads to a new level of four odor, or I will examine a bunch of NFL coaches who should be fired and a few who should not.  Well you see when two pieces of skin are in contact with each other in a confined space for an extended period of time heat inevitably arises, and our body’s reaction to heat is to produce sweat…

 

There are a lot of bad NFL teams, in fact the NFL is the league with the least parity of any of the major three sports, but everybody buys into the bullshit that because of the salary cap the league has parity. For reasons I will delve into another day the way the NFL is structured as a meritocracy- where good GM’s and coaches will reliably outperform shitty GM’s and coaches. This contrasts with the NBA and MLB. In the former a scouting system that accurately projects performance and the huge value that a single player can have means that a team need get lucky in the right year and the franchise will be revived. This is what happened to Cleveland when they got lucky and got Lebron James. In baseball the lack of a salary cap pretty much insures that a number of teams will be much more likely to succeed than other teams, irrespective of competence. 

 

So today I’m going to examine a number of coaches who should immediately be canned based on a very simple premise- in football offense and defense are two entirely different beasts and a coach is really only responsible for one side of the ball. This should be fairly obvious, most coaches were coordinators who were only responsible for offense or defense for the majority of their lives. They only really know half of the game, which is fine, but they often receive credit for the other side of the ball, which is bullshit. Bill Parcells was a brilliant defensive coordinator and his teams reflected that. Bill Walsh was a brilliant offensive coordinator whose teams reflected that.  Norv Turner has the intelligence of a 5-year old and his teams reflect that. A head coach is really an awesome coordinator who gets paid more for being awesome. So lets look at some coaches who get too much or too little credit.

 

Warning: I’m done with the serious writing and this column is going to spiral downward into personally insulting coaches, teams, cities, and jockeys. Yeah that’s right jockeys -they are all drug addicted midgets who couldn’t get a woman off to save their life. You got a problem with that? Go fuck yourself, world.

 

Brian Billick – If you didn’t know he was leading off this list then you are an embarrassment to the game of football and should be glad I even let you read my writing.  He was labeled an offensive genius for realizing that he should throw the ball deep to Randy Moss while having Cris Carter run slants. Oh really? That’s fucking brilliant, how ever did you think of that great sir. If this is the requirement for being labeled a genius all the 6 year-olds in art class that aren’t eating the fucking clay are geniuses.  So he goes to Baltimore and for like 10-years they have had one of the worst offenses in the game. But he luck-boxes his way into a great defense he isn’t in any way responsible for and he gets to keep coaching. That dipshit loser who caught Barry Bonds’ home run ball thinks you were lucky to be in the right place at the right time.

 

Marvin Lewis – On a related note, this guy was supposedly responsible for the Ravens defense. That was one of the all-time greatest defenses so teams must have been jumping at the chance to hire him as a head-coach. The thing is, he kept getting interviews and never getting hired. With his resume that seemed pretty fucking crazy. I used to wonder what the hell he was doing in the interviews to not get the job. I used to picture him refusing to talk about football and only discussing his cats, or whipping out his cock and jerking off in the middle of interviews. Nope, teams just realized this dude is not a leader. So what happens, the Bengals one of the worst organizations in anything ever, I mean NAMBLA is a better fucking organization, hire him. He gets lucky and gets an awesome offense he is in no way responsible for, meanwhile his defense is probably the worst in the league over his tenure. Additionally his team holds off-season camp in a Cincinnati jail and routinely looks under-prepared. I guess the bullet point of this paragraph is that he is a shitty coach.

 

Scott Linehan- He was an offensive coordinator who managed to take one of the best offenses in the league and make it suck. I would say more but I haven’t watched a Rams game this year because I know I’d end up gouging my fucking eyes out and I enjoy seeing things, especially dead puppies.

 

Romeo Crennel – With the resurgence of the Browns this year he’ll probably get to keep his job, which would make sense if he were responsible but the defense still sucks horse balls. At least the Browns gave up their first two picks this year for a QB that is without a doubt worse than Derek Anderson. Here is a piece of advise for GMs – next years first round pick is worth the same as, wait for it, this years first round pick you fucking impatient idiots. It’s like, not a single GM has a college degree in business of statistics or anything that might actually help them do their job. Anyway everyone on the Browns (except the offensive coordinator) should be fired because this team is so fucking bad and stupid.

 

Brad Childress – Another offensive coordinator who has an abysmal offense, although in this case I think the GM might be the real culprit. Sure I mean the love boat scandal sucked, but you guys had the best offense in football and good pieces to build around and instead you decided you needed to ditch Randy Moss and Dante Culpepper? Now you have Tavaris Jackson and Troy Williamson, this is significantly worse, DUCY? Either way Brad Childress needs to be fired, if only to protect Adrian Peterson from a Robert Edwards-like career. Instead I bet they draft a shitty high-round quarterback who ends up sucking.

 

Tony Dungy – Yes the current super bowl champion should be fired. He had a good defense in Tampa, but the team won the fucking superbowl as soon as he left. Then he goes to Indy and lucks into one of the best players in the history of the league.  Problem is he couldn’t provide the team with an above average defense until last year and even now he doesn’t make adjustments to his defense to match up with other teams.  Plus, Peyton Manning fucking hates him. Peyton regularly makes the “Tony, listen to me I’m the fucking coach you don’t know what the fuck you are doing” face. 

 

Here is a quick hit list of coaches who are underrated and the coordinator on the opposite side of the ball needs to be fired. This post is getting long so I’m not going to write shit about them but realize that these guys are doing a pretty good job and deserve to keep their jobs:

 Mike Nolan – GM fucked him (Hmmm… lets see I have the number 1 pick, lets take the small kid in the mid-major conference with a gimmicky offense. That always translates well to the NFL , take for example ummm oh wait a second this has never worked. Not fucking once.)

Lovie Smith—That defense is really good well coached.

Jack Del Rio—They play their ass off week in and week out, particularly on defense.

Sean Payton – Offense looks great, people forget how helpless they were two years ago.

Jeff Fisher—He’s a pimp, great defense year in and year out, top-5 coach in the NFL.

 

T

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