I think the Nazis get a bad rap, and other important thoughts

30 November, 2007

A couple of quick thoughts and notes on last nights game:


Why aren’t there more movies with Nazis as the heroes? They are always the bad guys in the movies. I’m working on a script about a friendly Nazi soldier that protects his little sister from being sexually assaulted by the invading Allies.


I was definitely worried by how comfortable Brett Farve looked in the pregame shows, and interviews, and staged photos. I’m of the opinion that players should be left the fuck alone before games so they can get ready, but apparently the Packers do not buy into this crazy idea.


Who told the Cowboys that Marion Barber was better than Julius Jones? The cowboys were like the oblivious high-school dad who has the pot-smoking whore of a daughter but thinks she is an angel. Only he just walked in on her ripping a bong-hit during an orgy.  Now that the Cowboys know that Barber is at least twice as good as Jones they are going to be a lot tougher to beat.


As mentioned in the post below the forward progress call on the Owens pass was monumentally bad. Two officials disagreed on the call and I know the officials are instructed not to choose one ruling over another because that ruling can be reviewed, but I was not aware that they are instructed to make an arbitrary ruling specifically so that it cannot be reviewed. I mean he was moving sideways getting pushed out of bounds, when has that ever, and I mean ever, been a forward progress call? I’m just surprised there wasn’t an intentional grounding called on a running play yesterday.


The Cowboys out-coached the Packers early on in the game. The Cowboys were notorious this season for giving up long passes, mainly because Roy Williams thinks he’s playing linebacker, which makes we wonder why the hell he isn’t playing linebacker, but I’m only saying that because it makes complete sense. Earlier this season I wrote that the Packers could be a tough match for the Cowboys because of the long pass potential.  So what do the Cowboys do? They instruct their corners and safeties to stay back and not help with the run, like at all. The Packers did not begin pounding the ball up to middle to counter-adjust though, instead they just forging ahead with their game plan to go deep. Subsequently Farve forced passes into great coverage on play action and the Cowboys took the lead and kept it.  I wrote down in my notebook: “Easterbrook is writing game over in his notebook.”


The Cowboys offensive line was the MVP of yesterday’s game without a doubt.  I thought Romo played good, but the offensive line gave him the time to make him great. The Packers need to adjust when they can’t get pressure bringing four.


Aaron Rodgers looked good once he got his feet wet. He was very patient and took what the defense gave him. If I was the Cowboys I would have blitzed more because first year qbs usually struggle against the blitz, that will be Rodgers real test. Well that and hygiene, wow is he ugly.


You try and be a good cool guy, then you meet Steve the fifty year old monster who has been cutting trees for the last fifteen years and realize you are a man in name only.


Playing online poker drunk is fun. Playing online poker, telling everyone at the table you are drunk, playing like a maniac, and then dominating the table while tilting everyone is very very fun. 


Rich Eisen’s career is on the line if someone doesn’t buy him a bottle of Rogaine.


I thought the NFL Network’s coverage of the game was really good and packing every bar in Wisconsin led to a fun night for many. I think people are upset in principle, but actually probably enjoyed the game more because it forced them to go out.



Dear Bill Simmons,

30 November, 2007

Remember when you wrote that column? You know which one, right? Well, it was this one. And what did I do in response to that column? I wrote you a nasty email full of invective. And I’m just writing you now to say that….I was wrong. You were right. I should have judged your column objectively, but instead I saw it through a pair of tinted glasses. Tinted with my Patriots-hate. I never even saw it coming.

What did I not see coming? The same guy who reffed the Pats-Colts game just threw the Packers-Cowboys game. That’s right. #132 John Parry just threw the game, the fix was in, and it was over so quick that I didn’t realize he was “that guy” until this morning. When you bitched about that pass interference call that gave the Colts a 1st and goal I was skeptical. When it happened in Thursday’s game, and the ‘Boys got a free 1st and goal with 8 minutes left in the game that they didn’t deserve, I was in shock. Then head referee John Parry came running down the field to throw the flag that the official 15 feet away didn’t throw, in fact calling the contact incidental.

When you complained about the terrible inbounds that was out-of-bounds call early in the 1st quarter of the Pats-Colts I could NOT believe you had actually written it. I thought perhaps that Gregg Easterbrook had broken into your office and penned that column just to have a Straw Man to beat up. But I was wrong Bill.   Al Harris took the ball away from TO on the Cowboys 1st pass in that direction, and when head referee John Parry ran over to Al Harris, ruled it Cowboys ball and then made the ONLY ruling that could not be challenged (forward progress halted??) I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach.  If only I had investigated the things you wrote on the 9th, I would have been prepared.
So Bill, I just want you to know that You were right, I was wrong, and I’m sorry. Sorry about the email I sent you, and sorry I didn’t believe you.

Effed in the Ay…

29 November, 2007

Wow did the Packers get Effed in the Ay.  The Cowboy’s first pass was caught and then stripped by Al Harris, and THEN the Packers got effed in the ay, as the refs called FORWARD PROGRESS HALTED.  WHY NOT CALL A COMPLETED PASS??  Because you’re referee John Parry.  You gifted the Cowboys 3 points, and denied the Packers 7 points, thus the margin of the Cowboy’s victory is null.   Look forward to seeing you faggots in January.  Till Tomorrow bitches….

PS…  Aaron Rodgers is the Packers version of Steve Young….

Week 13 to Kickoff with Bang, End with Blowout

29 November, 2007

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday…

Green Bay @ Dallas

DVOA –>DAL by 9.8%

Monkey–>Well Geez.  I am going to be half in the bag by the time this starts, as I do NOT get the NFLN at home, which means I will have to frequent a local drinking establishment in order to behold the greatness that is Brett Favre.  Packers by 7.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday…

San Francisco @ Carolina

DVOA –>CAR by 11 %

Monkey–>Well, I picked Carolina last week, and they got spanked thanks to David Carr’s performance.  I would have thought the NFL would have fined him for pulling his pants down a dropping a dook on the 50-yard line.  I guess he got away with it because he didn’t celebrate afterwards.  This week Vin-o-rama will be starting, so barring the return of Ryan Leaf II, I’ll take Carolina by 6.

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis

DVOA –>IND by 19.6 %

Monkey–>God, Marvin Harrison is killing my fantasy team.  The injured bastard.  His absence has been a big hole that was exposed in the San Diego loss.  But Joe Addia is still in the lineup, and so is Reggie Wayne.  I like the Colts chances, but this game will still be close.  Jacksonville is a good team, and will make the playoffs, but they won’t get win 9 this week.  Indy by 3.

Detroit @ Minnesota

DVOA –>MIN by 21.6%

Monkey–>God hate the Detroit Lions.  Matt Millen is his way of saying “F@#$ You, Lions fans”.  I don’t see how they can win this one, on the road, with Adrian Peterson returning.  Minny put the breaks on the Giant’s passing game last week, they could do the same to Detroit on Sunday.  I’d love to say that both teams will lose, But that outcome is mathematically impossible.  MIN by 5.

San Diego @ Kansas City

DVOA –>SD by 27.6%

Monkey–>Herman Edwards vs. Norv Turner.  It’s like trying to choose between CBS’s “Till Death” or FOX’s “Cane”.  They never should have got the gig in the first place, neither are very good.  It’s good for the both of them that mediocrity is the byword of the NFL.  My money’s on San Diego by 7.

NY Jets @ Miami

DVOA –>MIA by 5.8%

Monkey–>Rule # 2 of the 2007 NFL Season: Never pick the Miami Dolphins to win.  NYJ by 10.

Buffalo @ Washington

DVOA –>WAS by 14%

Monkey–>MacGregor just can’t replace Sean Taylor.  A grieving team?  With no more gipper to win one for?  Lee Evans will take advantage and have his 2nd good game of the year.  Marshawn Lynch is out, but I think Fred Jackson could have a big game and be a sneaky fantasy pickup and play (for a really big league)… This pick kills me (sorry about the wordplay) but I gotta make i.  Bills by 3.
Houston @ Tennessee

DVOA –>TEN by 5%

Monkey–>Perhaps a top 5 game of the year the last time these two met.  Look for a competitive game, but for the opposite outcome.  This time it’ll be Kris Brown booting the game winner.  Houston by 2.

Atlanta @ St. Louis

DVOA –>ATL by 14.1%

Monkey–>The Rams have reeled off a few in a row, thanks to Steven Jackson’s return from injury.  Oh yeah, and Joey Harrington or Byron “Hefty Boy” Leftwich will be starting for the Falcons.  How could I say no?  St. Louis by 14.

Seattle @ Philadelphia

DVOA –>SEA by 5.8%

Monkey–>Well, I can’t explain the magnificence of hearing Donovan McNabb being called overrated.  I really can’t.  I just hope that he never ends up in Chicago.  After the defensive effort the displayed against the Patriots, I think the Eagles have really put themselves in a position of confidence.  That should carry over to this game.  Seattle just doesn’t have that Je ne sais quoi to thrill me.  Picking the Eagles by 7.

Cleveland @ Arizona

DVOA –>CLE by 13.6%

Monkey–>Please God, let me be right…..ARI by 3.

Denver @ Oakland

DVOA –>DEN by 25%

Monkey–>Oakland is sooo bad.  My god.  The worst rushing defense in the league meet Mike Shanahan.   Denver by 14.

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans

DVOA –>TB by 30.8%

Monkey–>No Jeff Garcia?  I think New Orleans can get a good win at home in this one and get back to .500.  NO by 9.

New York Giants @ Chicago

DVOA –>NYG by 20.8%

Monkey–>F@$# you Eli Manning.  You better not F#@$ me again you turd-burglar.  NYG by 10.

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

DVOA –>PIT by 21%

Monkey–>I wonder if the field has been re sodded?  Doesn’t matter.  PIT by 5.

Monday, Monday, Mon…I can’t maintain this facade of enthusiasm…

New England @ Baltimore

DVOA –>NE by 84.3%

Monkey–>Rule # 1 of the 2007 NFL Season: Always Pick the New England Patriots.  NE by 24.

Wow, Lame…

28 November, 2007

The University of Wisconsin Badgers are heading to the Outback Bowl.  Wow.  I bet the player gift packs have a certificate for a free baked potato with purchase of an entree.  They’ll be playing Tennessee, Florida, or maybe Auburn, or somesuch other SEC team.  Honestly, I was holding out hope for a Humanitarian Bowl bid, becasue I think that the Cardinal and White would look grat against that Boise Blue Turf.

Oh, I know I said that I’d have NFL picks today.  I’ll get to em after work tonight (I promise.  Again.)

Also, Houston Nutt is not only the new coach of Old Miss, but his name could also be that of a Texas Rap Group….

MNF Sucks and so does your 4 year old sister (or so I’ve been told)… No I’m not a Pedophile I promise… Ok I am but only when I’m drunk…

27 November, 2007

Yesterday’s “football” game between the Steely Mcbeams and the only non-human mammals that have sex for enjoyment made me wish I was watching soccer. At least then the game being tied 0-0 the entire time would make some fucking sense.  I wish my favorite shirt wasn’t covered in blood, but during the game I found it to be more fun to write profanities into my chest with a steak knife than watch that game. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but I’m having a hard time getting chicks with “Shit cocker” tattooed to my chest in writing that would make a 5 year old wonder if I knew how to write.

I wish this was the first time MNF has let me down this season but alas MNF has been like the last 10 years of John Cusack’s film career- you think you like him but then he continually sucks in every film. Then out of the blue comes Being John Malkovich (Packers-Broncos) and you get all excited, then he follows it up with America’s Sweethearts, Identity, and 1408 and he gets added to the list of people you would not give the antidote to.  Lets recap the last 4 weeks of MNF which have made watching “I love NY” look like a great use of time.

Pittsburgh 38, Baltimore 7

Seattle 24, SF 0

Denver 34, Tenn 20

Pittsburgh 3, Miami 0

 and the next 3 weeks

New England at Baltimore (at least what’s left of their team)

New Orleans at Atlanta

Chicago at Minnesota

So MNF sucks which sucks because it was always a great excuse to get a good buzz going after the first day of the work week. I guess I’ll just have to embrace drinking to forget. Meanwhile NBC is all like, we get whatever fucking game we want and Tony Kornheiser is all like “Peter King, stop fueling my silent rage”.

On a side note hopefully Tiki Barber and Jerome Bettis can be merged into one giant overrated running back, Jeriki Barttis, who averaged 4.0 yards a carry and speaks only in cliches.  Watch out he has the fast-action backstabbing move down.

Anyway maybe MNF could select games like 5 weeks in advance or something so that terrible teams don’t make up more than half the teams playing in the second half of the schedule. I mean I’m sure people thought Atlanta, Miami, and Baltimore would be entertaining but they suck, and nobody wants to watch them. There is one thing they could do to get ratings back up though- they need to get the old announcing team back together. Which team you ask? The 1985 announcing team of Frank Gifford, OJ Simpson, and Joe Namath. Now tell me that wouldn’t get ratings. 

P.S. I think we should all speculate on whether Sean Taylor died because he was black, or because he couldn’t leave the hood life, or because a random burglar broke into his house. Once we have all the facts we won’t be able to speculate, so don’t waste any time.

I think he died because he uncovered a conspiracy about the catholic church and their covering up of Jesus’ double-murder suicide with the whole Crucifixion thing and the pope sent the secret Christ police after him. But I am tripping on acid while watching the DaVinci code so take that with a grain of salt.


The Week 12 Monkey Vs. Machine Morbidity Report

27 November, 2007

I’ve already vented my frustrations this week, although I’m still waiting for the serenity to accept the things I cannot I can’t finish this sentence. After the easiest perfect day ever on Thanksgiving, I went a dismal 6-6 on Sunday, and bit off my nails last night through way too much scoreless football. I finish the week at 10-6, which is dissapointing for a number of reasons. Actually for 6 reasons. So how did the DVOA do? Well, after a perfect Thanksgiving the machine went? 8-5 is the answer, for a week long record of 11-5. The standings thusfar?

DVOA 11-5 (81-32 since week 5)

Monkey 10-6 (73-40 since week 5)

Which means I’m trailing a complicated mathematical formula by 8 games. In other….well its not news, but in other things, my 2 rules for the 2007 NFL regular season were almost upset by reality. Philly was actually up on New England and could have sent the game to overtime had it not been for the world’s most ill-timed interception, and Miami was in the game (if only by virtue of torrential rains and a field that resembled a mud-wrestling pit, minus two or more scantily clad women) until Pittsburgh made the final 3-0.


SO! Week 13 picks by Wednesday…