Before I left yesterday to go to work I had half of my picks justified and 10 hours ago I thought I would come home from work and finish them. But then work happened. For those you not in the know, Every Halloween (more specifically either the weekend before or after Halloween) Madison gets a little crazy. No quite Mardi Gras crazy, because its usually40 degrees or so, but pretty f!@#ing crazy. So instead of jsutifying anything, I’m just going to tell you what people at FreakFest these week 8 games most resemble.
Indy @ Carolina
Colts/Panthers….This one reminds me of Frat Boys dresed in drag. Why, you ask? Because it will be lopsided, just like the stuffed bra after a wild night of binge drinking. How do I know it will be lopsided? Because it will either be the new pledge Carr, or the pledge-master Testeverde under center for the Panthers. Eat your heart out Dwight Freeney. I’ll take Indy by 13
DVOA Indy by 68.1%
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
This game will be a defining moment for both teams. It reminds of a skinny girl out with her not-so-skinny friend, and they’re both dressed in identical “sexy nurse” outfits. Imagine the two of them out at the bar, the pretty one getting all kinds of attention, the fugly one playing the part of the third wheel. Which team is which girl? The outcome of this game will decide it. I’ve decided that Mike Tomlin is my girl, but I’ve had a few, I may end up taking one for the team. Pittsburgh by 2
DVOA Pittsburgh by 32.7%
Detroit @ Chicago
This game is a 250 lb man whose costume consists soley of spandex bike shorts and wrestling shoes. Yes, I actually saw this today, and yes, that’s how ugly this one is on paper. No one wants to see it, but once you do, you can’t look away. Factor in stretch marks, nipple hair, and my utter lack of faith in Detroit, and you have my pick: Chicago by 7.
DVOA Detroit by 6.8%
Oakland @ Tennessee
This game is the grad student who dresses up as an esoteric charactor from a Scandanavian short story that he made his discussion section read even though it wasn’t on the reading list. No one knows why he glued the giant wart and huge mustache onto his face except for him and his boyfriend. But I digress. Oakland can’t seem to rally around Daunte, either because he was the QB that Moss made or they just plain stink. Tennessee seems to be the better team, so I’ll take them by 5.
DVOA Tennessee by 50.9%
Cleveland @ St.Louis
This matchup is the fat girl who sqeezes into a not-so-mini skirt and halter top, and calls the ensemble “sexy accountant”. Why?? because no one outside of Cleveland wants to see it. Do the Rams have hope? certainly, but it will take years of proper diet and exercise to fix the damage done, and unfortunately for them, even a stomach staple can’t salvage this season. I’ll take the Browns by 14.
DVOA Cleveland by 33.8%
Philadelphia @ Minnesota
This game is between a team who has fallen short of high expectations, and a team that is currently meeting low expectations. In this regard, Philly @ Minny is 3 guys dressed up like the Beastie Boys in the Sabotage video. Except they half-assed and forget to get dress pants, dress shoes, and false mustaches. Instead they have on Jeans, Sneakers, and Magic Marker Mustaches. I’ll take the home team, because Childress will finally give Adrian Peterson the ball 20+ times. Vikings by 6.
DVOA Philly by 5.9%
NY Giants @ Miami
I’ve already seen this game. Allow me to explain: Imagine, for a moment, a man dressed as a pirate. Imagine the feathered hat. Imagine the Eye Patch. Imagine the poofy shirt. Imagine the pantaloons and knee socks. Now imagine that he has a giant dildo taped to the end of his sword. That is the essence of this game. It has all the makings of a great idea, Introducing the NFL to England and all, but the fact that the Dolphins are playing in this one is like taping a dildo to the end of your sword. It sounded good 5 months ago when you were planning it by yourself, but on Saturday night you felt slightly embarrassed telling folks you were a “butt pirate” I’ll take the Giants by 17.
DVOA NY by 35.3%
Buffalo @ NY Jets
This one is simpler to explain in terms of a Halloween costume. It’s two dudes in cheap Freddy masks arguing about who’s costume is better when neither of the has the striped shirt of finger claws. In other words, neither team can be considered an offensive dynamo, neither team has a very good record, and both are missing important pieces neccessary to complete the ensemble. I know that the DVOA favors Buffalo, but I still like the Jets at home. I’ll take NY by 7
DVOA Buffalo by 15.7%
Houston @ San Diego
Wow, this game is two friends dressed as Winnie the Pooh and Tigger. I guess we’ll find out just how good the Houston defense is in this one. In light of half of California being on fire, and half of the Chargers living out of Pheonix hotel rooms, and in light of Norv Turner being San Diego’s head coach, I’ll take Houston by a last second FG, Texans by 3.
DVOA San Diego by 21.4%
Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay
If Garrard was going to start for Jacksonville, this game would be two hot chicks dressed as “sexy cops”, but since Gray is their starter this one will be more like a bunch of sorority sisters dressed in shapeless Crayola Crayon costumes. They intrigue you, but are ultimately unarousing. My money is on Jeff Garcia and the Bucs. TB by 9.
DVOA Tampa by 2.3%
Washington @ New England
This game is hard to define in terms of costumes, so I’ll use the overall event to describe it. The Patriots are going to riot, and 3 times out of 5 tear gas will be need to stop their explosive offense that has toppled and set on fire the trash cans and benches that collectively represent their opposition. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I won’t be picking against NE all year long. Patriots by a touchdown more than the spread.
DVOA NE by 49.5%
New Orleans @ San Francisco
What a couple of Losers. That’s what I said about the two dudes in Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes. Yes I’m certain they were both dudes. The only thing I know about this game is that there will be no winner. Actually there will be, but only because its impossible for both teams to lose. The real loser? Whoever has to watch this Peice of $#!%. I’ll take the Saints by 3. But only because I have to pick someone.
DVOA N.O. by 22.6%
Green Bay @ Denver
This game is like the dude who dresses up like the hometown QB and has ever since you first met him. Packer fans dress up like Favre, and Bronco’s fans still wear full football gear with a 7 jersey. The difference is the Packers Hall of Fame QB is still on the team. Take GB by 11, and don’t forget the eyeblack.
Monkey Packers 24 Broncos 13
DVOA GB by 26.9%