Monkey into Monday Night…..8-5. Why? Because this is International Field Goal week, that’s why. I’m not here to pull a Skip Bayless, and say they (kickers) have no place on the football field, I’m just going to say three words. Rob F@#$ing Bironas. Allow me to elaborate…..
I had picked Houston to win by a field goal this week and when the 4th quarter started I thought, “How did I guess so poorly?” And that is when the comeback began. The 4th quarterwas the most exciting 15 minutes of football this week, hands down, and when a Kris Brown XP put the Texans up by one, I was jumping up and down, screaming like a little girl from Boston who just saw Tom Brady buying a frozen yogurt at the food court in her local mall. Texans win on a last minute TD, I’m excited because my prediction came out, I got to see a kick-ass 29 point quarter. And then? Kerry Collins beats the blitz, and the man with the best facial hair to ever coach south of the Mason-Dixon line calls for his hired leg. The guy already kicked 7 FG’s, and with 2 seconds left, he boots a league record eighth (for a probable Fantasy record with 29 points. He is the third highest scoring player this week going into MNF.). My head was in my hands, I was distraught, and then I realized, ‘I’m not a Texans fan. Stop being such a puss.’ But seriously, Rob F@#$ing Bironas?
In other FG related news this week….
I picked Pittsburgh to win by 10. Well that didn’t happen, in fact the game was tied in the Fourth Quarter. Guess how the game ended. Go ahead, guess…. OK I’ll just say it. In fact I’ll say it like everyone in Pittsburgh said it as the ball went through the uprights as time expired. “Jason F@#$ing Elam….”
I picked Philly to beat Chicago this week. Whoops. David Akers and Robbie Gould combined to go 7/8 on FG attempts. The margin of victory was 3, and even though Chicago won on a last second Touchdown, the difference was kicking. (Let me take a minute here to say that if Skip Bayless got to eliminate kicking from the game, this one would’ve gone to overtime at 7-7. Like anyone wanted to watch another 15 minutes of offensive futility.)
I picked Baltimore over Buffalo. I don’t regret this pick, because who thought the games leading scorer would be Ryan Lindell, who went 4/4 on FG’s and finished with 13 points. Which is only one less than Baltimore scored as a team, and if Lynch doesn’t plow in from one yard out, Lindell goes 5/5 for 15 points, and the Bills still win, 15-14 instead of 19-14.
In other ‘I Lose’ News, Detroit beat Tampa Bay, and guess who they did it with? Jason Hanson, who was 3/3 with 11 points. OK, so the Bucs laid an egg and maybe their turnovers had something to do with the outcome….But seriously, I hope like hell that I don’t have to say the words, Jason F@#$ing Hanson when Detroit meets Green Bay.
So those were the games I blew, but on the upside, I got Washington almost right, calling it a 3-point game. Skins win by 2, as Rackers misses a potential winning Field Goal. I called New Orleans by 6, and guess what…They won by 6. (Incidently, one of the only games this week where the kicker wasn’t a factor. Mare attempted NO FG’s for N.O.)
I told you that KC would beat Oakland by a TD. I was wrong about the margin, as KC beats the Raiders 12-10, with former-Packer Dave Rayner kicking 2 FG’s to tie Larry Johnson for a team leading 6 points this game.
I said that Dallas would win by 14, and the won by 10. A big difference in this one? A BLOCKED FG that goes for a Cowboy’s TD. Are you sensing a pattern here?
I picked Cincy by 7, and that one came out to the letter. No major kicker news, unless I missed something, but I just wanted to point out the rare occasion that I was right on the head with a call.
On a half-pathetic, half-hilarious note, the Linehan offense of St. Louis scored all 6 of their points via the FG. The Rams are un-officially the Uglies-Show-On-Turf. Not to worry Rams fans, your team could pawn off that title to the Falcons if you manage to pull out, say 3 wins this year(I’d put Miami in there, but they play on grass. I bet there are folks in Miami that are wishing for a hurricane to blow Dolphin’s stadium out to sea.). If this NFL season was a game of Asshole, St. Louis would by WASTED.
Oh, and Skip? Every kicker in the league could beat YOUR ass to a pulp.