How I watched the Badgers Lose (OR) Beverly Hills Cop 4

I debated not posting this for a while on Saturday. I don’t mean I wasn’t going to post it until Sunday (which is what happened) but Not Post It At All. It was painful as I was writing it, and until I had a chance to really reflect upon it I didn’t know that I needed to share it. Here is my Pain. I post this for you.

10:36 – Gameday on. My God, am I hungover. It’s the kind of hangover where you crap 5 times before noon. Whats with the OK cheerleaders wearing the Betty Lou ribbons in their hair? I just saw a Herbstreit sign that had actual hair.

10:42 – Corso 73-85 Stoops 86-19 <—Best sign Ever. I thought Corso was damaged ever since playing NCAA 2001. This just proves I was right.

10:46 – “Chase Daniels Eats Boogers” Great, now the whole world knows.

1:31 – Wake up from the worlds greatest nap. Beverly Hills Cop is on!

1:39 – “Get away from me, I’m gonna shoot you.” -Axl Foley

1:45 – IOWA 10 — ILL 6 w/ 2:14 left in the game. 2 Huge passes to Benn put Illinois on the Iowa 11.

1:49 – “Yeah, I buy all my art there…” Illinois throws a pick, and this one’s pretty much over. The Big 10 is so frustrating to watch. Wisconsin’s wins are gonna be worthless for Strength of Schedule.

1:52 – Mikey gets capped, Iowa gets a 1st. Game over for Mikey and Illinois.

1:56 – Georgia Tech kicks a FG to go up on Miami 17-14. How far mighty Miami has fallen.

2:02 – “If Micheal calls, tell him what room I’m in.”

2:03 – Axl – “How much does this go for?”

Serge – “One Hundred Tirty Tousand.”

Axl – “Get da Fuck outta here!”

Serge – “No, Serious.”

Axl – “Get da Fuck outta here.”

2:08 – “I hate bananas, I wanna watch a movie.” Georgia Tech is inside the Miami 25 w/ 3 minutes left.

2:11 – Thank God Andre Ware and Dave Pasch are calling this game. It means they won’t be at Happy Valley. Georgia Tech moves to around the 10.

2:12 – “How terrible. I do hope the police have procured some intelligent leads!”

2:17 – Ga. Tech wins.

2:18 – “In Beverly Hills we go strictly by the book.”

2:24 – EMU vs Ohio is now on 2 TV stations. What kind of cosmic vortex of a time-melting cataclysm has happened to cause this?

2:39 – So, the Badgers started badly. A fumble on the first play of the game allows Penn State to get the early lead.

Penn State 7 — Wisconsin 0

2:42 – Power running gets WI a first down.

2 :43 – ABC shows a replay of Luke Swan’s injury from last week. It makes me wince whenever I see it. 10:05 left in Q1, WI punts.

2:48 – WI refuses to tackle anyone. PSU gets down to Wisconsin’s 30. Morelli completes another pass, he’s now 4/4 for 60+ yds.

2:51 – PSU is attempting a FG, and it’s……….good. Penn State 10 — Wisconsin 0

2:52 – “But before I go, I want y’all to know something – The Supercop story was working.” – Axl

2:57 – PJ Hill cannot be stopped. Except by tackling.

2:59 – Big Pass to Jefferson in traffic. PS was playing some cover 2. WI ball on the PS 34, a 10 yd Donovan scramble gets the Badgers inside the 25. ABC replays the hit on Jefferson from the Michigan State game. “Do you really want to hurt me?”

3:01 – PJ Hill cannot be stopped. Except by Gang-Tackling. Donovan to Beckum, to the 10, 5, and down to the 2. Just put 6 on the board now. PJ Hill punches it in, Penn State 10 — Wisconsin 7

3:06JoPa doesn’t like kids and their god-blamed iPods.

3:08 – Nice Hands on PSU’s #10, who drops a 1st down ball, bring on the punter.

3:10 – END OF Q1.

3:15 – Tyler Donovan scrambles frantically, running all the way to one side of the field, 15 yards backwards, all the way across the field again. throws incomplete. It could’ve ended worse. Next play ends worse. Gilreath misplays the pass, tips it up and directly to Penn State safety. Good God.

3:20 – Penn State TD on a 30+yd pass. Alan Langford just got toasted. Penn State 17 — Wisconsin 7

3:22 – “This ain’t sugar…” – Axl Foley

3:24Jefferson makes nice catch, 1st down WI.

3:27 – Keep shooting yourself in the foot guys. They get the right one with a holding penalty, and the left one with a 3rd down incompletion. Wisconsin punts.

3:28 – What a SMACK!! Wi recovers a muff caused by a HUGE hit. Too bad its being called Kick Catch Interference. It looks clean on the replay, but I don’t think its challenge-able.

3:34 – I make myself some toast with grape jelly. PSU makes a whole loaf of toast out of the WI secondary, moving down to Wisconsin’s 30.

3:38 – PSU sputters out, they have 4th and short. Send out the kicker. Penn State 20 — Wisconsin 7 Penn State is going for it, breaks the inside handoff 20 yads for a TD. Penn State 24 – Wisconsin 7. I think we need Lou Holtz to call the Wisconsin defense a bunch of schmelly turdsh. I sincerely would like to apologize for my dig at Penn State last week.

3:42 – 35 yd catch by Jefferson with 6 minutes left in Q2.

3:43 – Donovan throws a pick, and this one is all on him. NO PASS RUSH, ALL DAY TO THROW AND HE TOSSES IT RIGHT TO THE PENN STATE DUDE. (who may or may not be #10) My hangovers gone, but I still want to puke. WI can’t score, the can’t stop the other team from scoring, and to top it all off, they’re dead last in the NCAA in causing turnovers, and so far have committed 3 this game. It’s hard to believe that 15 days ago, this team was ranked #5 in the country.

3:45 -Writing this down is a little like self flagellation. Penn State is at the Wisconsin 22 yard line. They’ve gone 50 yards in about a minute.

3:48 – Penn State missed a FG from 42. Wisconsin will take over.

3:52 – Donovan almost throws pick #3. Next play goes 20 yds to Beckum, who has a big RAC.

3:57 – WI gets stopped, they will have to punt with 1:37 left in the half.

3:58 – WI forces a fumble on the return!! My friend Trevor says, “Now we could cut the halftime lead to 10, which would be bittersweet.”

3:59 – Not only does Donovan get sacked, But there’s a holding call on WI too. Awesome Job Team!

4:00 – WI has a 4th and 6 at the Penn State 34, and instead of trying the 51 yard field goal (with 9 seconds left in the half) Beilema decides to take a delay of game penalty AND PUNT!! F#$% YOU BRETT, YOU PEAR-SHAPED TURD. MY 14-YEAR-OLD STEP-BROTHER COULD’VE COACHED A BETTER 1ST HALF. PUNTING WITH 9 SECONDS LEFT IN THE HALF?!?!?! GROW A PAIR OF TESTICLES. I don’t know if I really want to watch the second half. I may not have to…Beverly Hills Cop 2 is on Comedy Central.

4:11Brigitte Nielson just capped Captain Bogemill.

4:18For Love of the Game is also on. “How much Petrol does Billy Chappell have left in the tank?” Great moment on the soundtrack here, Dylan’s Lay, Lady, Lay.

4:23 – I switch back to BHC2 and hear –> “It’s a new ballgame out here Axl, and we’re not invited.” Badgers Kick off to start the 3rd Quarter

4:27 – ABC shows a graphic that says PSU scored on 4 of its first 5 possessions. The patented “LOAF OF TOAST” coverage scheme the Badgers are running is now officially perfected. Penn State is across midfield on a huge pass. ball is near the WI 40.

4:29 – Penn State runs a couple in a row, down to the 25. Taggert – “OK, but if we’re gonna do it, we gotta be low-profile, covert.” <– this is how Beilema better act until the Badgers get another win.

4:31 – Pass Interference on Alan Langford in the End Zone, Penn State is now on the 2 yd line. I’m just gonna count the TD now. Penn State 31 — Wisconsin 7 Fuhkin Ay.

4:39 – A sack of Donovan will force the Badgers to punt. Again. Jesus.

4:41 – Ken Strout is up in the 9th inning of Billy Chappell’s perfect game. “Think Billy, don’t just throw.” Back at the Beverly Hills Gun Club Axl’s watching a young Brigitte Nielson shoot a big gun. “How long does it take to shave those legs?” Trevor asks if that’s the guy from Quantum Leap. ‘why haven’t I leaped yet?’ – ‘you have to kill Richard James at 1603 Hillcrest first.’

4:45 – Wisconsin takes over on their own 12 after a PSU punt.

4:48 – ‘its the mirrors’ I don’t know what they do, or how they do it,I guess they just are it. ARI is leading USC by 3

4:51 – Beckum to the 30.

4:52 – Jefferson makes a big catch to the WI 45. Donovan follows it up by overthrowing an open receiver for the 4th or so time today. Add another to that column, as Donovan misses another guy, bringing up 4th and 2. If Bielima was a real man, he’d go for it. Penn State takes over on their own 9.

4:56 – Billy Chappell has his perfect game, There’s a huge accident at the club in Beverly Hills, and Wisconsin is still losing. “Technically chief, this is traffic duty.”

4:58 – “Did you just zap daddy?” No daddy was just watching this abortion of a game. I want to be the priceline nego-she-ay-tore! I am having a hard time accepting the name of the blimp as ‘The Bloomin Onion One”. Brent Mussberger is acting like the president is aboard. Maybe he is, you know how the president likes to go to Outback.

5:01 – Wisconsin muffs the Penn State punt, but recovers. This is good. I’m now making lemonade out of dog turds.

5:02 – Digging Rosewoods Stallone Posters. Axl’s going CSI on Taggert, “The super-glue attaches itself to the acid in the fingerprints…”

5:04 – PJ hill goes for 15 yds, now has 75 on the day, with a TD and a Fumble.

5:09 – Huge catch by Jefferson to start the 4th Quarter. The 2nd play is the exact opposite of the first. HUGE sack for Penn State.

5:10 – Who called that QB Draw?

5:11 – Who called that end around? Wisconsin attempts a 42 yard field goal, its no good.

5:17 – Penn State is just eating the clock, and it looks like Wisconsin is just waiting to lose. Wisconsin just sacked the PS QB for the first time today.

5:20 – How great will 30 Days of Night be?

5:23 – It’s official, Brad Nessler is calling this one. He could’ve 15 minutes ago. The Penn State defense is all over WI like stink on $#!+. Axl Foley on turds in the pool – “I can bring it by later for you to verify…”

5:27 – Hef cameo!!

5:30 – Brad Brent and Company debate the merits of Outback’s bloomin’ Onion dip. Click here to find out how drunk you should be right now. Penn States backup QB runs for 20 yards to the Wisconsin 2, and it about to become Penn State 38 — Wisconsin 7

5:36 – Wisconsin has their backup QB in as well. Congrats to the Badgers 2nd string for carrying on the tradition and pride of WI Football. I’m being sarcastic, as WI has committed 2 consecutive false starts.

5:37 – “There will be no ‘F’ crime. The alphabet bandit is dead.”

5:39 – Which is the worst sequel? Beverly Hills Cop 3, the Godfather III, Caddyshack 2, Major League 2, Slap Shot 2, or Rocky V? Trevor’s theory – If an ‘R’ rated movie’s sequel is rated PG-13, the sequel will be terrible. There are currently no exceptions to this rule.

5:44 – the game is finally over. Wisconsin 7 — Pen State 38. Props to JoPa, and his great gameplan, Middle Fingers to Bielima for a crappy gameplan. Gameball for WI goes to Kyle Jefferson, who ended up with 124 recieving yards.

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