My Heart Broke On Saturday

10:56 – I stumble out of bed, and turn on the TV. Gameday is at LSU, and those Louisiana cheerleaders are hot. I am curious about the signs reading BeatSaban.com and UrbanMeyerWeiner.com. Strange.

10:58 – Wisconsin’s an underdog? Corso picks Illinois? Even though I’m by myself, I call him a douche. Seriously, when was the last time Illinois bet the Badgers? for that matter, when was the last time Penn State beat anyone worth mentioning?

11:02 – I am wishing I lived in Vegas so I could bet on this game.

11:03 – Melhoff kicks it out the endzone. Again. Illinois’s first offensive play ends in a sack. Before I finish writing this sentence they get it back on a nice run. Please God, let Illinois try to pass all day.

11:05 – Illinois goes 3 + out. I can see why they’re the favorites.

11:08 – Wisconsin’s second offensive play goes 15 yds to Luke Swann…..I am still wishing I lived in Vegas.

11:09 – PJ Hill gets the hand off three straight times, and WI is at mid-field. Andre Ware and Dave Pasch, (who is my nominee for World’s Most Giant Douche) are calling today’s game, and I’m not sure which one just got way too excited over a tackle, screaming “WHAT A HIT!!!” This reminds me of that segment on MNF called Jacked Up where everyone would come in their pants over tackles that usually wouldn’t even make the players own highlight reels.

11:115 – We’re back, Illinois is driving and Andre Ware is officially irritating the F@#$ outta me.

11:16 – An Illinois catch is reviewed, and it looks to me an incompletion, and Andre Ware agrees. The pessimist in me says the call will stand, and the optimist in me says that since A.W. agrees with me I’m wrong for sure.

11:19 – 3 minutes on a review?? I hate Dave Pasch even more, as he keeps saying “I don’t understand what’s taking so long.” over and over again. DP complains about this taking 6 minutes right before the play is overturned. Side note – DP is an altogether appropriate set of initials.

11:21 – Mendenhall gouges Wisconsin for 26 yds. No one wants to make a tackle, and I wonder to myself why anyone would pass against the Badgers when the run looks like its more effective that EXLax.

11:22 – Mendenhall takes it the remaining 32 yds for a TD. ILL 7 WI 0 7:19 1Q

11:23 – The first running of Taco Bells melty commercial. Is it just me? Dear ad executive in charge of melty campaign: This ad makes Taco Bell seem 2 shades more disgusting than gross. That ‘goth’ chick with the black lipstick does not look sexy with strings of cheese hanging from her mouth. These are sexy goth girls. Please stop, as you are putting me off my lunch.

11:26 – Wisconsin is called for Holding on consecutive kickoffs, I groan. But Beckum gets it back on a 15 yd catch. They show a little bio about Beckum, whose favorite food is soul. Not soul food, just soul. As if the graphics dept. at ESPN is making an inside joke about collard greens.

11:29 – Personal foul on Ill. Illinois’s #56 reminds me of a young Dwayne Rudd. Next play completion. I don’t want the Badgers to run all day. Sidebar – I refuse to call this Gut-check Saturday.

11:32 – Wisconsin is lining up for a 38 yd FG. Ill 7 WI 3 He missed, scratch that. Ill 7 WI 0. Never trust a man whose first name is Taylor.

11:36 – Mendenhall busts another huge run.

11:39 – Illinois’s drive peters out, they’ll punt. And it goes 13 yards. Congratulations.

11:42 – Tyler Donovan fumbles on play fake, instilling fear into the hearts of Badger fans everywhere. If it weren’t for the offsides call on the Illini, WI would’ve turned it over.

11:44 – End of 1st qtr.

11:48 – Incompletion ends WI’s drive, but Illinois has NO pass rush, giving me some confidence that Tyler Donovan will have a big day. (note: Now Andre Ware chimes in with Dave on the “I don’t understand” trip.) DaBouche shanks the punt. It goes 13 yds. I wonder if he just wanted Illinois’s punter to not feel so bad.

11:52 – Minutes after Dave Pasch compares Mendenhall to Travis Henry, the ESPN team shows a bio-graphic for Rashard Mendenhall that show his fovorite food being ‘Mom’s Pot Roast’ and he enjoys listening to ‘Smokey Robinson’ The comedy is lost on the ESPN ‘C’ team.

11:56 – Ill. kicks a field goal, score is Ill 10 Wi 0 10:50 Q2.

12:00 – Illinois has player named Mike Ware who makes a tackle. Dave Pasch feels compelled to point out that Andre and the Ill guy are “no relation”, which makes Dave captain obvious, as the Ware on the field is indeed the whitest man alive.  (And he looks as though he may have down’s syndrome.)

12:02 – WI Finally converts a 3rd down with 9:50 left in the second quarter.

12:09 – The Badgers finally stop Mendenhall for a loss. I wroe that too soon, he just got it all back on the worlds most obvious screen pass. The Badgers still don’t want to tackle anyone.

12:11 – Or cover anyone, as Ill passes for a TD to Mendenhall. If the Badgers don’t get some points on their next possession, they’re done. I can feel it. Ill 17 – WI 0.

12:13 – Taco Bell makes me un-hungry for the 2nds time today.

12:17 – The answer to the AFLAC trivia question is Jeff George, who along with Andre Ware make the all-bust team for the 1989 draft.

12:19 – WHAT A FREAKING CATCH!!! ala Antonio Freeman’s Espy (that’s right, Antonion Freeman won an ESPY. He made the pro bowl too, so wrap your head around that.)

12:22 – Dave Pasch informs us that Ill LB Leman graduated in 3 years and enjoys watching infomercials.

12:24 – Wisconsin tries another FG, this one’s good. ILL 17 – WI 3

12:27 – Ill takes over with 3:44 left in 1st half. The field announcer seems to be 1 1/2 seconds ahead of Dave Pasch on the down and distance, which makes me wonder how he got this job.

12:30 – Ikegwuonu lays the wood to force an Illinois punt. Wisconsin will finally have good Field Position.

12:31 – 3 consecutive completions get WI to Illinois’ 24 yd line. The Illini have NO pass rush.

12:33 – Luke Swan does the splits, but holds on, so it’ll be 1st and goal WI. It looks like a groin injury, God it hurts just to watch. Speaking of hard to watch, D.P. confirms through use of slo-mo replay that Swan did indeed do the splits. I hope it wasn’t his quad…..

12:36 – Donovan is sacked on 3rd and goal, Wisconsin will kick a FG. The officials seem not to want to make any pass interference calls. Oh well, its Ill 17 – WI 6 as we go into halftime.

12:41 – I want to know what the song in the Dell commercial is called. The halftime show host snarkily says the Badgers are clearly not the #5 team in the country. I simultaneously agree with him and want to crush his throat for being disrespectful to my favorite college team.

12:48 – Lou Holtz needs some suction. What a wet lisp. He sounds like Stan’s older sister Shelly from South Park. I can see him calling his players at ND ‘turds’ during his pep talks. I’m laughing like a maniac, as some guy calls him “Sweet Lou” I’m wondering if Lou Holtz had oral surgery today. “Happines is having a poor memory” “There’s no such thing as magic” “The comics are for people who cant read” Lou is lisping through a F@#$ing magic trick!! GAHHHAHAHA!!! I can’t find this particular pep talk on youtube, but get a small taste of “Sweet Lou” here. the fun starts at 0:30.

1:00 – Damn it the announcers haven’t been swapped out. I would pay extra for my cable if Sweet Lou called every football game on TV.

1:04 – They show Luke Swan on crutches. This is not good for the Badgers. The ESPN bio-graphic tells me Luke Swan likes apple Pie and Brett Favre. He’s from Wisconsin, so tell me something I couldn’t just guess.

1:06 – Travis Beckum makes catch number five, and now has 72 yds.

1:08 – Still no pass rush from the Illini. Bielema needs to keep throwing until the final gun, it doesn’t look like they can stop the pass.

1:10 – TD Wisconsin on a huge pass to the freshman Jefferson. Ill 17 – WI 13

1:12 – My friend T arrives at the house, and we debate Megan Fox vs a young Jennifer Connelly

1:15 – The Ill QB, who’s name is Juice, embarrasses the WI ‘D’ on a 30+ yard keeper. Trevor makes a bad OJ joke here.

1:16 – Juice takes it down to the 20. I’m feeling sick.

1:21 – After fisticuffs between Ikegwuonu and Ill WR Benn, Mendenhall scores a TD. Its his third. I want to die right after this game is over. Ill 24 – WI 13.

1:26 – PJ Hill breaks a big run. I’m jumping up and down screaming like a crazy person, thinking he is gone to the races, but hes out of bounds at the 50. ESPN bio-graphic note: PJ likes crab legs, Chad Johnson, and wants to make $$$ after college. How wonderfully insightful.

1:28 – A 1st down catch by Beckum, a big run by backup RB Zach Brown, and the Badgers are at the Ill 16. 3 plays later PJ Hill scores on a 1 yd TD run. I feel a little less like UW could lose this one. Ill 24 – WI 19

1:29 – WI is going for two. I am pretty sure its the right call, but am also thinking this i doomed to fail. And fail it does. Reaching into my Taco Bell dictionary, I’m labeling that effort uglified.

1:33 – Dear ESPN Cameraman; Is everyone in the Ill. student section that ugly? Please find me a blond or two. I don’t want to beg.

1:44 – Start of the 4th qtr. Beckum makes another catch at the 45. But wait there’s going to be a review. I just hope it wont take that long.

1:46 – I am waiting for A.W. or D.P. to say the phrase “I don’t understand” one more time. Both of them feel this is an incompletion. I laugh as the play stands.

1:48 – On 3rd + 11 Wisconsin get 13 yards and a 1st down. WI looks like they’ll pull this out!

1:50 – Donovan throws a pick. I was wrong.

1:52 – I hear the phrase “Mastercard card” on my TV. I am dumbfounded.

1:53 – Mendenhall is stopped for a loss….ohh guess i was wrong, he just reversed field for 20 yards. I’m hungry but I can’t eat for fear I’ll be ill over Ill.

1:55 – Badgers finally get a stop on 3rd down. Ill. Punts!

2:00 – PJ Hill is looking tired. OMFG, Donovan throws ANOTHER pick. The Badgers are screwing themselves, and now cannot afford another mistake the rest of the game.

2:03 – Juice breaks a 20 yd run. The crowd in Champaigne is stoked, and the Badgers look deflated. I’m at a loss for words. side note: I thought that Juice was a nickname, but this guy’s ACTUAL name is Juice. I wonder if he feels lucky to not be named after his mother’s favorte KIND of juice.

2:07 – Juice goes out, but his replacement scores on a QB keeper, Ill 31 – WI 19

2:16 – I’m just waiting this one out. Beckum is the only bright spot for the Badgers, with 10 catches. Damn the defense though, as Illinois ran for 282 yards. Disgusting.

2:18 – Ill roughes the passer, stretching this game out a little longer. The Badgers are down 12 w/ 2:30 to go. They’ll need a TD, onside recovery, TD to win. Beckum makes his 11th catch.

2:22 – Wisconsin scores on 4th and 2 to make it Ill 31 – WI 26.

2:25 – Illinois recovers the onside kick

2:29 – Illinois faces a 4th and short with 1:05 left. The game is over if Zook goes for it and gets it. They get it. It looks like another year goes boy without the possibility of a Wisconsin national championship. Props to Mendenhall. I’m so glad I didn’t bet on this game.