Slipping Badly OR a Barful of Perfect Strangers

30 October, 2007

Imagine if you will, a week in the NFL were only 3 of 13 home teams win.  I won’t make excuses, I promised myself.  But now I’m behaving like a little girl.  I went 8-5 this week.  Which sucks badly.  The DVOA???  12-1.  How am I supposed to compete with that? Well, by more closely analyzing the games,  and by not EVER picking the Jets to win again.    So after many moons of this the statistical analysis is whaling on yours truly to the tune of:

DVOA 42-11

Monkey 34-19

But on the upside of this, I got to drink a bottomless pint, play free QB1, eat a ton of delicious food (most of fried), and watch the Packers overtime win with a few close friends and 50 perfect strangers.  Favre connecting with Jennings was like 100 volts through all the stools in the place.  The moment was a beautiful thing, Shouting Screaming, Jumping, Spilling, getting High Fives from a perfect stranger with a mustache and an appetite for Miller High Life.

The only bar moment I can remember thats even close is when I couldn’t get tickets to Ohio State @ Wisconsin.  They were #1, heavy favorite, etc.   Three times that game there were those electric current moments, and because I was drunk, I don’t quite remember what order they happened in.  First was when some asshole on OSU was choking Jim Sorgi, the crowd at the bar got ugly.  I sincerely thought that the dumb sonofabitch in the Ohio State gear was gonna get pummeled for wearing the wrong colors(actually they’re the same colors, just arranged differently, but you understand.)  Second Moment in that game was when Kris Gamble muffed a punt, then got smoked, Wisconsin recovers, all with the score tied I believe.  The Third moment was when Wisconsin’s back-up QB came in and threw a bomb to Lee Evans.  Not a 15 yard pass that he takes the rest of the way, but a ball that is in the air for 40 yards or so, before spiralling down perfectly as the crowd (both in the bar and at the stadium) rises out of their seats, and then the catch was made, and everyone raised their arms, and then Evans breaks away from the reciever, and everyone screamed and shouted, and I think I gave a perfect stranger with a mustache a high five then too.

 

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Week 8 Picks OR Playing Dress-Up

28 October, 2007

Before I left yesterday to go to work I had half of my picks justified and 10 hours ago I thought I would come home from work and finish them.  But then work happened.  For those you not in the know, Every Halloween (more specifically either the weekend before or after Halloween) Madison gets a little crazy.  No quite Mardi Gras crazy, because its usually40 degrees or so, but pretty f!@#ing crazy.  So instead of jsutifying anything, I’m just going to tell you what people at FreakFest these week 8 games most resemble.

Indy @ Carolina
Colts/Panthers….This one reminds me of Frat Boys dresed in drag.  Why, you ask?  Because it will be lopsided, just like the stuffed bra after a wild night of binge drinking.  How do I know it will be lopsided?  Because it will either be the new pledge Carr, or the pledge-master Testeverde under center for the Panthers.  Eat your heart out Dwight Freeney.  I’ll take Indy by 13

DVOA  Indy by 68.1%

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
This game will be a defining moment for both teams.  It reminds of a skinny girl out with her not-so-skinny friend, and they’re both dressed in identical “sexy nurse” outfits.  Imagine the two of them out at the bar, the pretty one getting all kinds of attention, the fugly one playing the part of the third wheel.  Which team is which girl?  The outcome of this game will decide it.  I’ve decided that Mike Tomlin is my girl, but I’ve had a few, I may end up taking one for the team. Pittsburgh by 2

DVOA Pittsburgh by 32.7%

Detroit @ Chicago
This game is a 250 lb man whose costume consists soley of spandex bike shorts and wrestling shoes.  Yes, I actually saw this today, and yes, that’s how ugly this one is on paper.  No one wants to see it, but once you do, you can’t look away.  Factor in stretch marks, nipple hair, and my utter lack of faith in Detroit, and you have my pick:  Chicago by 7.

DVOA  Detroit by 6.8%

Oakland @ Tennessee
This game is the grad student who dresses up as an esoteric charactor from a Scandanavian short story that he made his discussion section read even though it wasn’t on the reading list.  No one knows why he glued the giant wart and huge mustache onto his face except for him and his boyfriend.  But I digress.  Oakland can’t seem to rally around Daunte, either because he was the QB that Moss made or they just plain stink.  Tennessee seems to be the better team, so I’ll take them by 5.

DVOA  Tennessee by 50.9%

Cleveland @ St.Louis
This matchup is the fat girl who sqeezes into a not-so-mini skirt and halter top, and calls the ensemble “sexy accountant”.  Why??  because no one outside of Cleveland wants to see it.  Do the Rams have hope?  certainly, but it will take years of proper diet and exercise to fix the damage done, and unfortunately for them, even a stomach staple can’t salvage this season.  I’ll take the Browns by 14.

DVOA Cleveland by 33.8%

Philadelphia @ Minnesota
This game is between a team who has fallen short of high expectations, and a team that is currently meeting low expectations.  In this regard, Philly @ Minny is 3 guys dressed up like the Beastie Boys in the Sabotage video.  Except they half-assed and forget to get dress pants, dress shoes, and false mustaches.  Instead they have on Jeans, Sneakers, and Magic Marker Mustaches.  I’ll take the home team, because Childress will finally give Adrian Peterson the ball 20+ times.  Vikings by 6.

DVOA Philly by 5.9%

NY Giants @ Miami
I’ve already seen this game.  Allow me to explain:  Imagine, for a moment, a man dressed as a pirate.  Imagine the feathered hat.  Imagine the Eye Patch.  Imagine the poofy shirt.  Imagine the pantaloons and knee socks.  Now imagine that he has a giant dildo taped to the end of his sword.  That is the essence of this game.  It has all the makings of a great idea, Introducing the NFL to England and all, but the fact that the Dolphins are playing in this one is like taping a dildo to the end of your sword.  It sounded good 5 months ago when you were planning it by yourself, but on Saturday night you felt slightly embarrassed telling folks you were a “butt pirate”  I’ll take the Giants by 17.

DVOA  NY by 35.3%

Buffalo @ NY Jets
This one is simpler to explain in terms of a Halloween costume.  It’s two dudes in cheap Freddy masks arguing about who’s costume is better when neither of the has the striped shirt of finger claws.  In other words, neither team can be considered an offensive dynamo, neither team has a very good record, and  both are missing important pieces neccessary to complete the ensemble.  I know that the DVOA favors Buffalo, but I still like the Jets at home.  I’ll take NY by 7

DVOA  Buffalo by 15.7%

Houston @ San Diego
Wow, this game is two friends dressed as Winnie the Pooh and Tigger.  I guess we’ll find out just how good the Houston defense is in this one.  In light of half of California being on fire, and half of the Chargers living out of Pheonix hotel rooms, and in light of Norv Turner being San Diego’s head coach, I’ll take Houston by a last second FG, Texans by 3.

DVOA   San Diego by 21.4%

Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay
If Garrard was going to start for Jacksonville, this game would be two hot chicks dressed as “sexy cops”, but since Gray is their starter this one will be more like a bunch of sorority sisters dressed in shapeless Crayola Crayon costumes.  They intrigue you, but are ultimately unarousing.  My money is on Jeff Garcia and the Bucs.  TB by 9.

DVOA  Tampa by 2.3%

Washington @ New England
This game is hard to define in terms of costumes, so I’ll use the overall event to describe it.  The Patriots are going to riot, and 3 times out of 5 tear gas will be need to stop their explosive offense that has toppled and set on fire the trash cans and benches that collectively represent their opposition.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  I won’t be picking against NE all year long.  Patriots by a touchdown more than the spread.

DVOA   NE by 49.5%

New Orleans @ San Francisco
What a couple of Losers.  That’s what I said about the two dudes in Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes.  Yes I’m certain they were both dudes.  The only thing I know about this game is that there will be no winner.  Actually there will be, but only because its impossible for both teams to lose.  The real loser?  Whoever has to watch this Peice of $#!%.  I’ll take the Saints by 3.  But only because I have to pick someone.

DVOA  N.O. by 22.6%

Green Bay @ Denver
This game is like the dude who dresses up like the hometown QB and has ever since you first met him.  Packer fans dress up like Favre, and Bronco’s fans still wear full football gear with a 7 jersey.  The difference is the Packers Hall of Fame QB is still on the team.  Take GB by 11, and don’t forget the eyeblack.

Monkey  Packers 24 Broncos 13
DVOA    GB by 26.9%


A Badger Game Blog OR Why I Hate Charter and the BTN.

27 October, 2007

http://www.broadbandinfo.com/news/big-ten-network-available-to-some-cable-and-satellite-viewers.html

http://wkow.madison.com/News/index.php?ID=14330

http://www.wiscnews.com/rtp/news/250881

http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/sports/columnists.nsf/dancaesar/story

One side says We want X, Y, and Z and then the other side says well, you can only have E, and F. The first side says, E and F? Thats so far away from X, Y, and Z! Give us X, Y, and Z! So the second side says X, Y, and Z?!? That’s so far away from E and F!! You get E and F or nothing! Now this goes on forever, both sides being to stupid to see that all we want in Wisconsin is to see the Badgers. Forget all that, I just pulled up ESPN’s Gamecast to see what was happening, and I can always use my radio, so F@#$ You, BigTenNetwork (Half-owned by FSN) I made sure to click on ESPN’s advertising. And F@#$ You Charter for not being willing to compromise either. You both make me want to puke. Oh, the Badgers won 33-3, apparently PJ Hill was injured, etc etc.

To the BTN:  How about you stop fighting this ‘relegation’ to a sports tier and just say, it’s $1.10 per customer per month if we’re on basic, but 4-6 times that amount if we’re on the sports tier?

To Charter:  How about you say, we’ll pay $3.25 a month to put you on a sports tier, but only 75 cents if you want on basic?

To Frustrated Customers:  Call Charter and tell them to pick up BTN in some form or you’ll switch to DirectTV.


Game On, or South Park starts at 9…

25 October, 2007

7:19 – TV on, the Boston Pops and John Williams
are doing the National Anthem. The PA calls him, “the epitome of our culture.” It’s raining in Boston, and I’m wondering if they’ll play the game, or if Theo’s just thinking that he already overpaid the Boston Pops for this, and if they call the game he won’t get his money back, so make em perform and that way he can tape it and use it tomorrow…..I open my massive bottle of Yeti. FOX has some kind of introduction featuring a montage of ‘can’t ignore’ moments. Suprisingly Bill Buckner is spared a clip in this montage.

7:21 – ING is running an ad that looks slick, but the tagline is “it’s easier on the bench.” Joe Buck!! Tim McCarver?!? They’re actually going to play baseball! (Now Tim is sitting way to close to, and is looking at Joe like he’s going to just plant one right on Joe Bucks lips. It’s 6 beers away from actually happening.)

7:31 – I really should’ve checked TV Guide to find out what time the first pitch was, because the game still hasn’t started. Now FOX is running an orchestral score over all the non-stop-non-action. This had better come to a head soon, because I am quickly losing patience with all this pomp. ALL NEW FOX TUESDAY. They should drop the SDAY so that it rhymes. It won’t get me to watch House, but the promo’s would grate slightly less.

7:36 – Oh my f@#$ing God!! can we PLEASE start the game?? Interesting nugget – Josh Beckett was MLB’s ONLY 20 game winner. This is strange.

7:37 – Willy Tavaras is up against Josh Beckett. The first pitch of the world series is a 96 mph strike.

7:38 – Tavaras gets rung up looking on a pitch 3 inches off the plate.

7:40 – Joe Buck is all about the Kazuo rennaiscance.

7:42 – Beckett K’s Matsui. Joe Buck Says Matt Holiday could be the NL MVP. Beckett K’s Holliday for a 1-2-3 inning. If Joe Buck doesn’t stop praising the Rockies this could be the shortest series ever. Every time he compliments them they strike out.

7:44 – On Kidnation they’re debating who should get a gold star.

7:45 – FloMax?? Decrease in Semen?? Fainting?? Does FloMax just turn you into a lady??

7:46 – YASTREMSKI!!! Move over Tim McCarver, Carls needs to be in that booth with Joe Buck. It would get rid of that awkward sexual tension.

7:47 – Francis throws his first pitch for another questionable strike call. His second pitch? HR by Pedroia

7:49 – Youklis doubles

7:50 – Big Papi is bunting? Ortiz has the best groomed facial Hair in the World Series. Youklis goes to 3rd on an Ortiz Groundout. Gary Kasparov is on the Cobert Report.

7:52 – RBI Single for Manny. Eat it Skip Bayless, BOS 2 – COL 0

7:57 – Varitek with a 2-out base hit. I’m excited as FOX flashed to Brewers Padres on the last game of the season. They show Tony Gwynn Jr.’s triple. JD Drew’s up <insert snarky Sports Guy comment here> JD hits a 2-out RBI double. BOS 3 – COL 0

8:08 – Rockies get a two out double, 2 minutes later Beckett gets another K

8:11 – Tuliwitzki hits an RBI double. BOS 3 – Col 1. Love that Bud Light ‘I’ll take the stairs ad.

8:17 – Francis gets his 1st K against Ellsbury

8:19 – With Youklis up I think its time you know that my favorite part of the postseason is the facial hair. I LOVE it. Beards, Goatees, soul patches, mustaches, and the lip-less Ortiz Beard. The only thing missing is a dude with HUGE Muttonchop Burnside sideburns. The current Facial Hair standings go like this 1. David Ortiz 2. Todd Helton 3. Kevin Youklis………4 through next to last …………. Last) Josh Becketts ‘Missed a Spot’ Look.

8:22 – Jeff Francis’s favorite movie is the Shawshank Redemption. That’s my mom’s favorite movie too!!!

8:24 – RBI two out double for Ortiz. Youklis scores from 1st. BOS 4 – COL 1 and its only the 2nd inning.

8:28 – If we all just buy a Chevy Silverado will the ads stop?

8:30 South Park starts in 30 minutes. Josh Beckett has a 30:1 SO:BB ratio this postseason. Manny makes a jogging grab in the outfield. Will Skip Bayless ignore the fact its raining and dog Manny for not sprinting to make a catch he made anyway?

8:35 – another 1-2-3 inning for Josh Beckett. It’s not the Direct TV HDTV Starship. ITS A F@$#ING BLIMP.

8:39 – Last Weeks South Park is running right now, the boys just met the Mayor of Imagination land who offers them a ride on his “Imagination Flying Machine.” Butters asks“Are you going to rape us?”

8:42 – Lugo gets a two-out bunt single. He’s fast. Nothing doing though, end of the 3rd.

8:45 – iPhone commercial; but its not the Boston tool one “I had a phone, my camera, my iPod, and a phone for texting…I needed a little bag to carry them all…” <—-he was carrying a PURSE. JUST SAY IT YOU METROSEXUAL @$$HOLE.

8:48 – T shows up with more beer. “That’s not an idea, that’s a twist.”

8:55 – Beckett gets his 6th and 7th K’s, inning over.

8:57 – Taking a half hour break from the game to watch South Park.

9:14 – Halfway through SP, I open a bottle of Old Ruffian.

9:22 – 2nd commercial break of SP, the score of the game is now BOS 6 – COL 1. I had vowed there would be no Switchoff during South PArk, but then Comedy Central ran a ‘Fred Clause’ ad.

9:30 – South Park is done, its still 6-1. Only Gagne could make this interesting.

9:41 – Bottom of the 5th, COL 1 – BOS 9, wha happen?

9:45 – bases loaded, Boston Bats around.

9:48 – RBI by JD Drew, BOS 10 – COL 1. I’m officially done watching this game.

**************Postus Interruptus**************

****************Time for Work****************

9:49 – Switch over to the Sarah Silverman show, and catch a ridiculous necrophilia joke. T follow it up with his own ridiculous pedophilia joke.

9:53 – Boston douche iPhone commercial. Bostons now up 11-1.

9:57 – “Wanna go shave each others balls?” its still the bottom of the fifth, the bases are still loaded, Boston leading now 12-1. Joe Buck explains the concept of ‘batting around’ to America. Colorado walks in a run.

1 0:00 – I am agreeing now with the announcers. Why is Hurdle calling for the bullpen? YOU LOSE!! Seriously, officially, You Lose. Enough, I’m watching the Daily Show.

10:06 – Laughing so hard at Aasif Mandvi. “Multi-national cuddle puddle.” Follow it up with a Madden Joke and you have TV gold my friend.

10:08 – BOS turns a double play, Fry has on Grouch Marx glasses on Cartoon Network. The nose, or “human horn” is said to be an aphrodisiac.

10:17 – Game 6 of 1995 playoffs is on ESPN Classic. “Kerr misses badly”

10:35 – “Our Country is being invaded by Horny Walruses.” – Stephen Colbert

10:39 – Bottom of the 7th, still BOS 13 – COL 1

10:41 – This game is so lopsided I’d rather watch Macauly Culkin guest-starring on an old episode of Will and Grace. Thank you Lifetime.

10:43 – Spike TV wants to know what % of girls go girl-on-girl. Strangley enough, so do I.

10:50 – Family guy rerun on Cartoon Network.

10:51 – “Thank you Meg, I guess beggars can be choosers.” – Tom Tucker

It’s the bottom of the 8th, BOS leading 13-1. It’s reached the point of me being totally disinterested in this game. I’m just going to play the Real World drinking game.

10:56 – Chotch sighting on “I Luv NuYork”


The True Meaning of the World Series is neither Ham, nor Pomp.

24 October, 2007

The true meaning of the World Series is Drinking.  Drinking and Revenge.  Well, maybe its just drinking.  Personally, I think this will be over quickly, and I’m predicting Boston wins the series at Coors Field.  Could go four games, could go 5, but I don’t think that the Rockies can stretch it to 6.  Boston has the most potent offensive Lineup the Rockies have faced this postseason.  The gap between the Phillies/Dbacks and the Red Sox is wide.  Really wide.  Not to mention the gap between the post-season offensive stats of the Rockies and the Sox.  I just can’t see a Rockies pitching staff that has just over a 2 ERA continuing their success against a lineup with a ton of World Series Experience.  Lowell and Beckett were on the 03 Marlins that beat the Yankees, Schilling wa on the 01′ D-backs that beat the Yankees, Varitek, Ramirez, Ortiz, Youklis, Schilling and Wakefield all won the 04 series.  You heard it here last.


Monkey misses Max and the DVOA Official Week 7 Wrap

23 October, 2007

Well, The Monkey will finish at 9-5 this week, while the DVOA (coming into week 7 at 21-5) went a lowly 9-5 as well.  A tie this week, but through the last three, it looks like this:

DVOA   —   30-10

Monkey   —   26-14

 

Will you be watching the World Series?  I might be.  I’ll tell you if I do.  I don’t mean to be coy, its just who I am.

 RIP Max McGee . He was the MVP of Super Bowl One, and someone just about everyone in Wisconsin knew and loved.  He was the voice of the Packers Radio Network until only recently, and if I’m not mistaken called the very first game Favre ever played in, through the Super Bowl Victory, finally retiring only a few years ago.

 “But Vince was about as smart as anybody who ever put on a coaching hat. One time before a big game, he told us that if anybody was caught sneaking out before the game it would cost him $5,000. And he looked at me and said, ‘McGee, let me tell you something — if you find somebody worth $5,000, let me me know — I want to go with you.’ That broke the tension. He could get you so wired before a game you almost couldn’t play …”  -M. McGee


Week of The Field Goal…

22 October, 2007

Monkey into Monday Night…..8-5. Why? Because this is International Field Goal week, that’s why. I’m not here to pull a Skip Bayless, and say they (kickers) have no place on the football field, I’m just going to say three words. Rob F@#$ing Bironas. Allow me to elaborate…..

I had picked Houston to win by a field goal this week and when the 4th quarter started I thought, “How did I guess so poorly?” And that is when the comeback began. The 4th quarterwas the most exciting 15 minutes of football this week, hands down, and when a Kris Brown XP put the Texans up by one, I was jumping up and down, screaming like a little girl from Boston who just saw Tom Brady buying a frozen yogurt at the food court in her local mall. Texans win on a last minute TD, I’m excited because my prediction came out, I got to see a kick-ass 29 point quarter. And then? Kerry Collins beats the blitz, and the man with the best facial hair to ever coach south of the Mason-Dixon line calls for his hired leg. The guy already kicked 7 FG’s, and with 2 seconds left, he boots a league record eighth (for a probable Fantasy record with 29 points. He is the third highest scoring player this week going into MNF.). My head was in my hands, I was distraught, and then I realized, ‘I’m not a Texans fan. Stop being such a puss.’ But seriously, Rob F@#$ing Bironas?

In other FG related news this week….

I picked Pittsburgh to win by 10. Well that didn’t happen, in fact the game was tied in the Fourth Quarter. Guess how the game ended. Go ahead, guess…. OK I’ll just say it. In fact I’ll say it like everyone in Pittsburgh said it as the ball went through the uprights as time expired. “Jason F@#$ing Elam….”

I picked Philly to beat Chicago this week. Whoops. David Akers and Robbie Gould combined to go 7/8 on FG attempts. The margin of victory was 3, and even though Chicago won on a last second Touchdown, the difference was kicking. (Let me take a minute here to say that if Skip Bayless got to eliminate kicking from the game, this one would’ve gone to overtime at 7-7. Like anyone wanted to watch another 15 minutes of offensive futility.)

I picked Baltimore over Buffalo. I don’t regret this pick, because who thought the games leading scorer would be Ryan Lindell, who went 4/4 on FG’s and finished with 13 points. Which is only one less than Baltimore scored as a team, and if Lynch doesn’t plow in from one yard out, Lindell goes 5/5 for 15 points, and the Bills still win, 15-14 instead of 19-14.

In other ‘I Lose’ News, Detroit beat Tampa Bay, and guess who they did it with? Jason Hanson, who was 3/3 with 11 points. OK, so the Bucs laid an egg and maybe their turnovers had something to do with the outcome….But seriously, I hope like hell that I don’t have to say the words, Jason F@#$ing Hanson when Detroit meets Green Bay.

So those were the games I blew, but on the upside, I got Washington almost right, calling it a 3-point game. Skins win by 2, as Rackers misses a potential winning Field Goal. I called New Orleans by 6, and guess what…They won by 6. (Incidently, one of the only games this week where the kicker wasn’t a factor. Mare attempted NO FG’s for N.O.)

I told you that KC would beat Oakland by a TD. I was wrong about the margin, as KC beats the Raiders 12-10, with former-Packer Dave Rayner kicking 2 FG’s to tie Larry Johnson for a team leading 6 points this game.

I said that Dallas would win by 14, and the won by 10. A big difference in this one? A BLOCKED FG that goes for a Cowboy’s TD. Are you sensing a pattern here?

I picked Cincy by 7, and that one came out to the letter. No major kicker news, unless I missed something, but I just wanted to point out the rare occasion that I was right on the head with a call.

On a half-pathetic, half-hilarious note, the Linehan offense of St. Louis scored all 6 of their points via the FG. The Rams are un-officially the Uglies-Show-On-Turf. Not to worry Rams fans, your team could pawn off that title to the Falcons if you manage to pull out, say 3 wins this year(I’d put Miami in there, but they play on grass. I bet there are folks in Miami that are wishing for a hurricane to blow Dolphin’s stadium out to sea.). If this NFL season was a game of Asshole, St. Louis would by WASTED.

Oh, and Skip? Every kicker in the league could beat YOUR ass to a pulp.