7:19 – TV on, the Boston Pops and John Williams
are doing the National Anthem. The PA calls him, “the epitome of our culture.” It’s raining in Boston, and I’m wondering if they’ll play the game, or if Theo’s just thinking that he already overpaid the Boston Pops for this, and if they call the game he won’t get his money back, so make em perform and that way he can tape it and use it tomorrow…..I open my massive bottle of Yeti. FOX has some kind of introduction featuring a montage of ‘can’t ignore’ moments. Suprisingly Bill Buckner is spared a clip in this montage.
7:21 – ING is running an ad that looks slick, but the tagline is “it’s easier on the bench.” Joe Buck!! Tim McCarver?!? They’re actually going to play baseball! (Now Tim is sitting way to close to, and is looking at Joe like he’s going to just plant one right on Joe Bucks lips. It’s 6 beers away from actually happening.)
7:31 – I really should’ve checked TV Guide to find out what time the first pitch was, because the game still hasn’t started. Now FOX is running an orchestral score over all the non-stop-non-action. This had better come to a head soon, because I am quickly losing patience with all this pomp. ALL NEW FOX TUESDAY. They should drop the SDAY so that it rhymes. It won’t get me to watch House, but the promo’s would grate slightly less.
7:36 – Oh my f@#$ing God!! can we PLEASE start the game?? Interesting nugget – Josh Beckett was MLB’s ONLY 20 game winner. This is strange.
7:37 – Willy Tavaras is up against Josh Beckett. The first pitch of the world series is a 96 mph strike.
7:38 – Tavaras gets rung up looking on a pitch 3 inches off the plate.
7:40 – Joe Buck is all about the Kazuo rennaiscance.
7:42 – Beckett K’s Matsui. Joe Buck Says Matt Holiday could be the NL MVP. Beckett K’s Holliday for a 1-2-3 inning. If Joe Buck doesn’t stop praising the Rockies this could be the shortest series ever. Every time he compliments them they strike out.
7:44 – On Kidnation they’re debating who should get a gold star.
7:45 – FloMax?? Decrease in Semen?? Fainting?? Does FloMax just turn you into a lady??
7:46 – YASTREMSKI!!! Move over Tim McCarver, Carls needs to be in that booth with Joe Buck. It would get rid of that awkward sexual tension.
7:47 – Francis throws his first pitch for another questionable strike call. His second pitch? HR by Pedroia
7:49 – Youklis doubles
7:50 – Big Papi is bunting? Ortiz has the best groomed facial Hair in the World Series. Youklis goes to 3rd on an Ortiz Groundout. Gary Kasparov is on the Cobert Report.
7:52 – RBI Single for Manny. Eat it Skip Bayless, BOS 2 – COL 0
7:57 – Varitek with a 2-out base hit. I’m excited as FOX flashed to Brewers Padres on the last game of the season. They show Tony Gwynn Jr.’s triple. JD Drew’s up <insert snarky Sports Guy comment here> JD hits a 2-out RBI double. BOS 3 – COL 0
8:08 – Rockies get a two out double, 2 minutes later Beckett gets another K
8:11 – Tuliwitzki hits an RBI double. BOS 3 – Col 1. Love that Bud Light ‘I’ll take the stairs ad.
8:17 – Francis gets his 1st K against Ellsbury
8:19 – With Youklis up I think its time you know that my favorite part of the postseason is the facial hair. I LOVE it. Beards, Goatees, soul patches, mustaches, and the lip-less Ortiz Beard. The only thing missing is a dude with HUGE Muttonchop Burnside sideburns. The current Facial Hair standings go like this 1. David Ortiz 2. Todd Helton 3. Kevin Youklis………4 through next to last …………. Last) Josh Becketts ‘Missed a Spot’ Look.
8:22 – Jeff Francis’s favorite movie is the Shawshank Redemption. That’s my mom’s favorite movie too!!!
8:24 – RBI two out double for Ortiz. Youklis scores from 1st. BOS 4 – COL 1 and its only the 2nd inning.
8:28 – If we all just buy a Chevy Silverado will the ads stop?
8:30 South Park starts in 30 minutes. Josh Beckett has a 30:1 SO:BB ratio this postseason. Manny makes a jogging grab in the outfield. Will Skip Bayless ignore the fact its raining and dog Manny for not sprinting to make a catch he made anyway?
8:35 – another 1-2-3 inning for Josh Beckett. It’s not the Direct TV HDTV Starship. ITS A F@$#ING BLIMP.
8:39 – Last Weeks South Park is running right now, the boys just met the Mayor of Imagination land who offers them a ride on his “Imagination Flying Machine.” Butters asks“Are you going to rape us?”
8:42 – Lugo gets a two-out bunt single. He’s fast. Nothing doing though, end of the 3rd.
8:45 – iPhone commercial; but its not the Boston tool one “I had a phone, my camera, my iPod, and a phone for texting…I needed a little bag to carry them all…” <—-he was carrying a PURSE. JUST SAY IT YOU METROSEXUAL @$$HOLE.
8:48 – T shows up with more beer. “That’s not an idea, that’s a twist.”
8:55 – Beckett gets his 6th and 7th K’s, inning over.
8:57 – Taking a half hour break from the game to watch South Park.
9:14 – Halfway through SP, I open a bottle of Old Ruffian.
9:22 – 2nd commercial break of SP, the score of the game is now BOS 6 – COL 1. I had vowed there would be no Switchoff during South PArk, but then Comedy Central ran a ‘Fred Clause’ ad.
9:30 – South Park is done, its still 6-1. Only Gagne could make this interesting.
9:41 – Bottom of the 5th, COL 1 – BOS 9, wha happen?
9:45 – bases loaded, Boston Bats around.
9:48 – RBI by JD Drew, BOS 10 – COL 1. I’m officially done watching this game.
****************Time for Work****************
9:49 – Switch over to the Sarah Silverman show, and catch a ridiculous necrophilia joke. T follow it up with his own ridiculous pedophilia joke.
9:53 – Boston douche iPhone commercial. Bostons now up 11-1.
9:57 – “Wanna go shave each others balls?” its still the bottom of the fifth, the bases are still loaded, Boston leading now 12-1. Joe Buck explains the concept of ‘batting around’ to America. Colorado walks in a run.
1 0:00 – I am agreeing now with the announcers. Why is Hurdle calling for the bullpen? YOU LOSE!! Seriously, officially, You Lose. Enough, I’m watching the Daily Show.
10:06 – Laughing so hard at Aasif Mandvi. “Multi-national cuddle puddle.” Follow it up with a Madden Joke and you have TV gold my friend.
10:08 – BOS turns a double play, Fry has on Grouch Marx glasses on Cartoon Network. The nose, or “human horn” is said to be an aphrodisiac.
10:17 – Game 6 of 1995 playoffs is on ESPN Classic. “Kerr misses badly”
10:35 – “Our Country is being invaded by Horny Walruses.” – Stephen Colbert
10:39 – Bottom of the 7th, still BOS 13 – COL 1
10:41 – This game is so lopsided I’d rather watch Macauly Culkin guest-starring on an old episode of Will and Grace. Thank you Lifetime.
10:43 – Spike TV wants to know what % of girls go girl-on-girl. Strangley enough, so do I.
10:50 – Family guy rerun on Cartoon Network.
10:51 – “Thank you Meg, I guess beggars can be choosers.” – Tom Tucker
It’s the bottom of the 8th, BOS leading 13-1. It’s reached the point of me being totally disinterested in this game. I’m just going to play the Real World drinking game.
10:56 – Chotch sighting on “I Luv NuYork”