After the Rain Delay

3:47 – Gwynn makes a catch at the wall, end of four. I missed nearly a whole inning because I played a couple games of pool. Now that we’ve had some time to drink this almost seems intriguing.

3:50 – according to the announcers there’s now been 93 minutes of delays. Plus the pretentious BS before the first pitch. 3 up down for the Cubs, they bat next, middle of 4. Here is a sexy picture…

it’s also patriotic.

3:56 – Sheets looks more in control than before the delay. He’s got an awful lot of movement on the curveball today, and now its the bottom of the 5th with 2 out. Make it the top of the 6th.

4:05 – middle of the 6th as the Crew goes 0-3.

4:17 – Top of the seventh and the Crew can’t it shit until Bill Hall doubles off the wall. 1 out and a chance here. Zambrano looks really good today, but I think he’s nervous now.

4:20 – Bill Hall gets greedy and gets picked off. Good God-damn. It’s a little like watching a monkey with a football. He’s got no idea what to do with it, but damn if he’s not trying to fuck it.

4:33 – Ben Sheets is gone, Salomon TOrres is in, let’s see what happens.

4:37 – Jason Kendall runs down Fukudome. What the Fuck Would Johnny Estrada have Done??

4:46 – Nothing is happening. Less of a pitcher’s duel and more of a shitty hitting clinic. This is everything that baseball shouldn’t be. It’s cold and cloudy and wet. It’s muddy and messy, and the longer this goes on the more nervous I am. Mota is on for Torres. Z.L. remarks that its just about Turnbow Time, and Milk says some disparaging remarks. Let’s see if Mota can perform at his Spring Training Standard.

5:00 – Rickie Weeks gets beaned. and the top of the ninth looks promising. T.G. Jr. bunts foul for a second strike, and Gwyn could attempt another bunt or have Jr. try to slap one into the outfield. Sac bunt.

5:05 – positive vibes about this Braun at bat.

5:06 – Braun gets a RBI and the Crew get one. Nice concentration and good technique got em that one. Now there’s two on and a chance for Bill Hall to score one or both runners. ZL has a bad feeling, but its only because he doesn’t have any faith.

5:09 – Hall K’s, killing my hope. Peteson isn’t as drunk as me but he still thinks he’s going to class. But I still think Hart will Hit.

5:10 – Hart RBI triple, Brewers 3 Cubs 0. Oh my god, Gagne’s coming, and I’m suddenly sick. I’d feel better if I saw some boobs…

5:15 and Gagne hasn’t got past his loss of confidence. Lee gets a single.

5:17 – “Q: How many Brewers fans does it take to throw a Cubs fan down the stairs. A: None. He Fell.” – Z.L.

5:21 – “10 million dollars you motherfucker!” – Peteson after Gagne serves up a 3-run HR to Fukudome, who comes up for a curtain call. God I hate the fucking Cubs. tied at 3-3.

5:23 – Milk is being so negative, talking its over. Gagne finally gets an out. I gotta piss. Like a racehorse.

5:27 – Gagne doesn’t hustle to first and Pie finagles a single. Lazy fucker. all of this is following the FSN announcers telling me that Gagne spread the gas and Turnbow is coming on to light the match. I hear the Prodigy in my head.

5:32 – More nerve racking than a 1 point basketball game with 30 second left Gagne finally retires the side. Ten Million Fucking Dollars.

5:40 – Counsell scores on a Gwynn sac fly. Brewers up one in the tenth with two out.

5:41 – Fielder gets a base hit, two out, first and third. This bodes well, as Cousell coming in means a pinch hitter for Gagne. I don’t know for sure, I was smoking, but it makes me happy. The announcers call Aramis Ramerez Lazy.

5:44 – Braun flys out and the Cubs will come up to bat. I can only hope that if Turnbow is pitching that he won’t try to make Eric Gagne look good.

5:46 – “Its a good thing I brought Doritos” – Z.L.

5:47 – Riske is pitching now for Gagne. He gets a groundball out. He probably can attribute his good spring stats to his fb/gb ratio.

5:49 – Kendall makes a heads up play and I ask again, What Would Johny Estrada have one? or WWJEHD? GWYNN MAKESA GREAT CATCH, Brewers Win! Here i another sexy picture, because you deserve it…

Opening Day, Live with the Monkey, Milk, and Peteson…

4:26 am – I’m done with work. Now I have to pack a bag because I am going to visit my brothers in Oshkosh for opening day. I have a full day of drinking, brats, burgers and baseball ahead of me, and the journey starts now. There’s less than 9 hours until the first pitch, how could I sleep?

7:23 – Arrive in Oshkosh after dicking around before driving up. I arrive to find myself locked out, despite the fact Milk promised the back door would be open. Lucky for me he was awake and let me in promptly.

7:43 am – Milk and Peteson have the new Steven Seagal movie, Pistol Whipped, on the DVR. in the first two minutes (probably) the best scenes have used as a quasi trailer/opening credits sequence, Seagal’s character has already been concretely defined, and there was a poorly shot poker sequence. This should get usa viewers by until Casino Royale makes its network debut.

7:54 – Steven Seagal is turning his characters life around!!! Also Steven is always just ‘passing through’ in all of his movies,

7:58 – “It’s a new record, it’s over a half hour into the movie and he hasn’t killed anybody yet” – Milk

8:03 – Multi-cultural Love Interest!! WHOO!

9:19 – And now, the exciting conclusion of Pistol Whipped.

9:31 am – A 3 car chase scene, a graveyard shootout, a “sexy fling” with a Condaleeza Rice look a like? The only way it could be better is if I hadn’t just watched the edited for TV version with blurred out titties and motherfreakers.

10:01 – The Weather Channel is showing a rather large storm system headed for Chicago. How awesome is the MLB scheduling office, choosing Chicago to host the first series when Milwaukee has a roof. Fucking Brilliant.

10:33 – Drew Carey is trying to give away a catameran on the Price is Right. Still no word about a possible rain out in Chicago.

11:15 am – Still no news about a rain out, but John Kruk’s testicle is on the TV, so I’ll deal. Also, I miss Harold Reynolds, I hate Eric Young. I hated him as a Cub, I hated him as a Brewer, and I hate him as an analyst.

11:40 – The tarp is on the field and Zambrano has just been called flambouyant.

12:18 – KC/DET on the ESPN. It’s nice that baseball’s back.

12:24 – 2 on 2 out for Detroit, Yankees on a rain delay. I hope I don’t have to watch this whole game if the Brewers/Cubs get rained out.

12:41 – What does ESPN call it when they promise a Toronto NewYork matchup and deliver Kansas City and Detroit instead? Bonus Coverage.

1:08 – No rain in Chicago (yet).

1:14 – “I came home from work the other day with the scent o strawberry daquaris in the air. All I could hear was ‘HOUSE! SHED! CAR! and the men I thought had penises were actually women. They were playing Pictionary” -Z.L. Quote of the day and the game hasn’t started yet.

1:27 – The Brewers are on 3 channels here in Oshkosh. Three Channels. I’m almost tempted to put on the WGN feed just to see if my brothers notice.

1:38 – Rain delay. Tempted to watch the Price is Right on YouTube.

1:40 – Dude on WGN is talking about “creatures of habit”. At least they have Wrigley on their screen. Today feels like the preamble to a career ending injury.

1:43 – National Anthem. Mention of the NIU school shooting. What a way to bring light to a gray rainy chilly day in mother-f$#@ing Chigago.

1:47 – Jesus Christ. Enough with the melodramatic bullshit. A Royal old school trumpet entrance music for Ernie Banks? It sounded like a good idea when you planned it three months ago, but today when it’s thirty nine degrees and rainy it seems kind of like this could have been done in May.

1:53 pm – “Write that down. Ernie Banks can hardly feed himself” – Peteson.

- “Let’s throw a fucking pitch already”

1:55 – Ernie Banks throws one way outside. I take this as a good omen. Also, now that the post first pitch commercials have been run I am a little excited about things only to for the rain to keep coming down. At least the Cubs all have to stand in the rain first. The weather is now bordering on pouring buckets.

2 :00 pm – It looks like they’re going to actually play in a fog game. When the camera moves further away from the action the more apparent the fog becomes. Ricky Weeks K’s and Jr gets an infield single, and the Wrigley cameras above the first deck are all fogged over.

2:05 – The quality of the TV Broadcast is terrible. How do you like your HDTV now?? Gwynn steals third. Braun pops out, middle of 1.

“@#$%, for 13 dollars I be a macademia nut.” Miller advertising campaign.

2:10 – 1 out for Ben Sheets. Pie is batting 8th. I predict now that a Chicago paper will lead the sports page with the headline “As American as Apple Pie” but mean the Pee-ay pronunciation instead of the Pie pronunciation. they will think that this is very humorous. 2 out on no out and then Lee K’s. end of one.

2:14 – Not now Jerry.

2:22 – Brewers go 3 up 3 down, middle of two.

2:23 – How long does a game have to go to be official. Fans hold Japanese signs that I hope were translated by a vengeful interpreter as Fukudome doubles. DeRossa hits a sac fly, and Sheets is getting hit pretty hard. FSN goes out of its way to show fat half-naked Cubs fans with FUKU pantied in alternating read and blue paint.

2:29 -Runners at the corners and an almost passed ball almost give me a heart attack. Cub threat ends.

2:35 – Batting eight, Sheets strikes out and I’m not exactly blown away by that decision. Kendall walks and the agreement is made to take shots of Korbel Brandy for every Brewers run scored and every homerun the Brewers give up. A pop up means that 2 are gone with Kendall standing on first in the rain. Underwhelmed thusfar.

2:42 – Why did you even start the game?? There’s 1 out in the bottom of the third, and I thought that this was a sure-fire season-ending groin pull. Now, here we are with a rain delay. I’m going to have another smoke.

Open Auditions

to replace ksk on the bogroll.  suggestions?

Mourning in Madison

My workday began with high hopes, and a frenzied pitch. UW was playing a 10 seed for a chance to advance, the good people of Madison were franticly ordering food and all was well for a while. But then the unthinkable happened. The Badgers couldn’t buy a bucket and the defense? Oh god, the defense. Wisconsin surrendered the tie at the start of the second half, and Bo Ryan was all like….

But the Badgers didn’t stop fucking around. At times it felt like Davidson had snuck one of those training rims onto Wisconsin’s hoop. You know, the ones that make you shoot the ball on the perfect arc otherwise the ball bounces out? Well it wasn’t long until Davidson opened up a double digit lead, and the orders slowed down. It was going to be a busy night, but the worse the game got, the less business came in. Coincidence? You decide.

Anyway, I kept thinking: This is the possession where Wisconsin gets back in it. Spoiler Alert for those who didn’t catch the game: They never got closer than 3 points. With about 5 minutes left in the game Bo Ryan as well as everyone in the greater Madison area was all…

Davidson would maintain their lead and as I returned to the store shortly after the game had ended I found the board blank and the phones silent. It was as if the life had been sucked out of Dane county. My co-workers all had these blank looks of shock but after a few minutes everyone was all like…

For a while all was still and quiet. But then slowly, surely, the phone rang again, and the deliveries came in. And that was when the strangest thing happened. I noticed that all the bars were overflowing out onto the sidewalks. Everyone was getting drunk! Before long it was as if everyone had decided: Fuck it. It’s Friday night, lets get plowed. And Plowed they got, until it no longer mattered that the home team had been blown out by some tiny school from North Carolina. They drank until it no longer mattered how ugly she was. They drank until they ordered food and then fell asleep long before it arrived, Because that’s how we mourn in Madison.

What About the Bucks?

What about them? They’re in the hunt for yet another lottery pick, that’s what. For the life of me I can’t figure out why. They’re 24-46 and for the first time in a while I can’t come up with an excuse. I need a reason why, despite the years of high draft picks, the Milwaukee Bucks still stink. I need some kind of explanation, I need to know the how and why behind the failure. Embark on this journey of discovery with me.

Breaking it Down, Position by Position

Michael Redd - 4th among SG with 23.3 ppg. Only shooting .369 from beyond the arc, but still among the most dangerous at his position. Maybe you criticize his defense, or point out that his 3pt % is lower than normal. I just don’t see Redd as the obstacle in this situation. Maybe Milwaukee’s dependence on his 23 a night is a stumbling block, but its not a bad problem to have, as far as problems go.

Mo Williams – 6th in scoring among PGs this year with 17.8 ppg. Shoots well from beyond the arc, however is middle of the pack in assists, coming in 14th with 6.4 per game. He doesn’t come up with a whole lot of steals, but bringing that up means I’m just grasping for straws. The only valid criticism to have is that Mo needs to make more meaningful passes, but even that seems a little like a cheap shot.

Andrew Bogut – 6th in scoring among centers with 13.9 ppg (which is a far cry from Amare’s 25, but still not bad). Tied for 14th league wide with 9.5 rebounds, and is 9th in blocks with 1.76 pg. The 7 footer seems to be earning the money that comes with the number one pick. Can you lay the blame at the Australian’s feet? Should he try to be a stronger presence on the defensive glass? I’m just not sure how much more the Bucks can ask of this guy. The only people in Milwaukee outscoring him are Redd and Williams.

Yi Jianlian – top ten in rookie scoring, #28 in scoring by PF’s with 8.6 in 25 mpg. I guess I only dislike the inconsistency. He may be averaging eight and a half, but he only got 2 points against Miami last week. It’s nice that he’s tall, and I’m sure that he’ll be pretty good in the future, but WHY draft him 7th overall when you have Charlie Villanueva on the roster? But what’s done is done, he’s on the team for the foreseeable future. If Yi’s going to get the minutes the Bucks need him to improve.

Charlie Villanueva - What to say about Charlie Villanueva? That he’s top 20 in PF scoring? That he outscores and out rebounds Yi despite fewer minutes? That he’s getting 10.7 ppg and 5.8 rpg in only 22 minutes? Interesting Fun Fact: Villanueva’s minutes have decreased each year with the Bucks despite the fact that he’s been the best PF on the team for the last two seasons. This is a guy who could average 16/10 if you let him play 30+ mpg. Why won’t this happen? Is it the alopecia?

 

Desmond Mason – If only this was the Desmond Mason from 04-05 who was getting 17 ppg and shooting .802 from the line. Sadly this is the 07-08 Desmond Mason who is getting 9.3 ppg and shooting .628 from the stripe. He’s getting fewer minutes this year, mostly because his ppg, rpg and FT% are all way down. He used to be a 14/6 guy whose FT% was .750-.800. I don’t know what happened but for the last 3 seasons he can’t make a free throw to save his life, and for a guy with a piss poor jumper this spells trouble (right here in River City). I don’t care about him winning a Slam Dunk contest, and I don’t care about flash and style. I don’t expect Mason feels the same way, and that’s a problem.

The Bench – What’s to say here? Am I supposed to get excited over Charlie Bell, Bobby Simmons and Royal Ivey? Is Dan Gadzuric supposed to trip my trigger? Maybe Simmons should get some more of Mason’s minutes, seeing as Bobby could probably match or beat Mason’s numbers with Mason’s minutes (Plus Simmons is a passable 3-pt threat). Maybe Royal Ivey can play the role of back-up PG reasonably well. I’d just like to know why it was so necessary to spend so much money on Charlie Bell and Dan Gadzuric. Here’s a (not so funny) joke: Q: What’s the difference between Charlie Bell and Dan Gadzuric? A: Dan is shooting over .400!!! If I’m the Bucks new GM I can’t wait to lose Bell in a trade. I send Bell and $7 mil for a 2nd rounder. There’s no reason for him to be playing 24 minutes a game. Bell and Gadzuric are both under contract for the next 4 years, Bell for $3+ mil this season and Gadzuric for $5+ mil this year. What a fucking mess, No? The only question about this fiasco I have left is what took so long to fire Larry Harris?

 

Larry Krskwtkzstk  How the hell do you spell this guys name anyway?  I don’t have any real criticism of this Larry, but I don’t know if he can make Milwaukee work with the money constraints that former GM Larry Harris’ legacy will be.  I’m not sure anyone can.  I won’t blame him for the end result this year, and I hope he does well, but there are only a few coaches in the NBA who have a deep impact on their teams.  Besides Phil Jackson, Jerry Sloan and Stan Van Gundy’s mustache there really aren’t that many men who can help teams play beyond their talent level.  Maybe Larry needs to refine his system, whatever it might be, or maybe he needs to learn how to light a fire under his guys.  I don’t know for sure, but he deserves at least another year, as well as some input into the draft.

The Monkey’s Bottom Line

The Bucks failure as a team comes down to a few things, the least addressable of which is the shortsightedness of Larry Harris’ roster moves.  The Bucks are saddled with 4 years of an $8 million bench-warming duo in Gadzuric and Bell.  There’s nothing really to be done about that now, save for suckering some idiot (read Kevin McHale) into a lopsided trade.

Milwaukee needs a SF that isn’t Desmond Mason.  Maybe you use that lottery pick on a SF, but after Michael Beasley who is there to take, some Italian guy?  Maybe you address it through free agency, but how much luxury tax is Kohl willing to pay?  Maybe you just hope that the magic ball gives Milwaukee the 1st overall pick.  It’s happened before.  Multiple times.  Of course the Bucks have had enough chances…

Lastly (probably not the last thing, but last on my short list) the Bucks need to quit fiddle-fucking around at PF.  Just play the best guy the majority of the minutes and stop hurting the teams rhythm by swapping Yi and Villanueva in and out.  Hell, I’d be happy if Larry K just went for a Very Tall look by playing Villanueva at SF and Yi at PF.  You’re 24-46, why the hell not?

Getting It Out In the Open

An Open Letter to Douglas Melvin, Esq.

Dear Mr. Melvin,

I really want to trust you Douglas. Sincerely, nay, Earnestly trust you. I WANT to think highly of you but you aren’t making it too easy on me. First this happens, and then this happens, so you do this? For those of you too lazy to click the links, First Gallardo gets his knee scoped (Not too serious, but he’ll miss the start of the season), then Capuano may have to get his second Tommy John surgery (and is likely gone for the season), so you release Claudio Vargas.

Don’t get me wrong, Claudio has many faults, including a career 1.46 WHIP and a career 4.54 ERA, but this spring training his ERA was 3.86, with a WHIP of 1.23, which may be a statistical fluke, but consider the spring performances of Manny Parra (6.10 ERA, 1.55 WHIP ), Dave Bush (6.43 ERA, 1.57 WHIP), Ben Sheets (6.55 ERA, 1.82 WHIP) and Jeff Suppan (9.17 ERA, 1.98 WHIP).

(all Spring Training stats available here.)

What all that tells me is that Claudio Vargas showed up at Spring Training ready to go. He showed in shape, and had shown improvement. So why, after you find out that one starter will miss about the first two weeks of the season and another would miss the whole season, would you release a possible starting pitcher this close to the start of the season? (Especially with assuming that Ben Sheets, who has spent 215 days on the DL since ‘05, will spend 71.5 days on the shelf if the average holds.)

Also, I submit to you that since the Mike Cameron will be on the roster after serving a 25 game suspension, it would be prudent to fill his void with a pitcher, so that when Gallardo returns from that knee injury you have a larger sample size to judge your pitching by. You do want the best arms in your system on the Big League team, right? So take the first few weeks of the season to extend the auditions for mop up work, because after all, you don’t need to platoon anywhere on the diamond this year, so go a position player short until Cameron gets back.

Last year a big problem was eating up those middle innings. Mota is 35 and Torres is 36. The bullpen might not have gotten a lot worse, but it got older. It seems to me that the Crew could be looking at multiple pitchers that make the 25-man on the DL for extensive periods of time. I know that there’s a few guys in the minors who could step up and take those places(Stetter, Bray and Narveson), and that there’s a few guys (Parra and Villanueva) who could be optioned down to AAA, but still, talk about a cold maneuver.

So where does that put us on the trust ladder, Douglas? I know that I can’t make you read this, and that you won’t accept my phone calls. I know I don’t draw any water with the organization, but 6 weeks from now, if Ben Sheets sprains his finger again, Mota looks exhausted after jogging to the mound and Torres blows his rotator cuff, who’s the one guy you’ll wish you hadn’t cut? I’d bet he’s Claudio Vargas. Don’t misunderstand, I hope it won’t be like that. I’m just a realist.

Ever at Your Service,

The Hon.  Even Chunkier Monkey

(Click here for more on courtesy titles)

Sinbad is Scandalous

 

Srsly?  Sinbad?  (thanks to T for the head’s up on this deal.  Currently looking for Larry King interviewing Sinbad over the phone.)

Opening Day (but not really)

Congratulations to the Red Sox for winning the first game of the 08 season.  Now go play some more exhibition games.  Call me crazy for not understanding why (except to make an extra 5 or 10 mil) MLB would even schedule this game.  No one else plays a game for 5 days, and everybody still has warm up games to play.  It aired at 6 am EST.  Who the hell besides the Japanese got to watch it, and was this a stipulation in the Japanese leagues letting Dice-K go to the BoSox?  I only want the truth.

 And Now, Gemma Atkinson…

click here for biographical information. 

Sobering Up: A Two Week Bender

Jesus, I almost forgot that I used to do this every day. I guess getting into peak shape for St. Patrick’s day took it’s toll. But I really can’t blame the layoff on alcohol alone. Booze isn’t the only thing I’ve been binging on these past two weeks. I have viewed over 65 hours of TV as well. I burned through seasons 3 through 5 of the Wire, seasons 5 and 6 of the Shield, kept up with all the current television shows I’m watching, and still managed to work full time. Poor clock management you say? Just call me Joe Gibbs.

So whats to talk about? The Badgers having the easiest road to the Elite 8 of any team still alive? Half my predictions about the Brewer’s opening day roster going south? My complete lack of interest in the NBA playoffs? My bracket being in tatters after Georgetown and Duke and Marquette and Georgia depart the Tourney early? Seems like a good start…

Wisconsin and the (not so) Stacked Bracket

*following paragraph will contain blatant homerism* Tell me honestly that the Midwest bracket didn’t seem a little strange to you too. First I was upset at the Badgers 3 seed. Ranked in the top 6 in both polls and they get a three? RPI??!? What the fuck is that?? So I got over the fact that UW had played against a weak Big Ten, and that maybe a three seed was justified. However as soon as I saw a potential 2nd round matchup against USC I had to check which region the Badgers were seeded in. Until Sunday I had no idea that California had been annexed by the Midwest. It made less sense than UConn being seeded in the West. I had a sleepless night worrying about OJ Mayo and other what if scenarios. But then USC lost. So everything is good right? Except now Georgetown is a possible matchup in the Sweet Sixteen. Isn’t Georgetown on the….never mind. I had even more tossing and turning in front of my TV before Georgetown lost to Davidson. And now? I’m worried about Kansas. *end of blatant homerism*

So here I am, tickled pink at the prospects of an Elite 8 appearence by my alma mater, not even caring that I only picked 9 of 16 teams still left. My bracket may be shredded by any account, but my hopes are still high. I may not win the pool, but….Shit, I’m not going to win the pool. So what’s left to write about if the blatant homerism was supposed to end with my previous paragraph? Fake awards? I suppose I could do that.

Most Likely to Succeed: North Carolina. Top seed in the tournament gets to play a team from the opposite coast for a chance to advance? Are you kidding me? I won’t punch a ticket to the Final Four for them yet, but

Most Likely to Disappoint: Xavier. How these guys snagged a three seed is beyond me. They play in a conference with Rhode Island for Christ’s sake. Bad news for the Musketeers as West Virginia rolls in after upsetting 2 seed Duke.

Least Likely to Cover: UCLA. 51 points? That’s it? Well, see you next year….You Won? You only scored 51 points and you won? How did that happen? And you call yourselves a 1 seed. The only way the Bruins cover is a ridiculously low spread and maybe not even then.

Most Likely Cinderella:(tied) Western Kentucky and West Virginia. My honest assessment at this stage is that a Cinderella Final Four appearence is most likely to happen in the West. The number 2 seed gets bounced early by West Virginia and the number 4 and 5 seeds are out after the first round and the number 1 put up only 51 points against the 9 seed. Maybe I’m wrong to have no faith in either UCLA or Xavier, but my bet is on a low seeded Final Four berth coming out of the West.

Class Clown: Villanova. No seniors on the roster and your next opponent is Kansas? Yes, Villanova, you are officially the most likely to look silly.

 

I wish it were Spring in the world.

So completely wrong was I, about Vinny Rottino. I had hopes so high for an 8 man bullpen, but it was not to be. The Brewers designated Rottino for assignment a few days ago, meaning that Eric Munson should be the frontrunner to back up Jason Kendall. Also I spoke ill of Tony Gwynn Jr, only to see him hit .405 thus far. I believe that I wanted Gabe Gross to start in right and see Corey Hart in center. I don’t feel all that badly about it as Gross has 4 HRs in Spring Training (and more total bases than Jr.) and Gwynns been caught stealin 3/7 attempts. But I’m just looking for anything that would vindicate me at this point.

As for the Brewers pitching, it hasn’t been particularly pretty, as Gagne and Turnbow have earned matching his and hers 7.50 ERA’s. Also Suppan, Sheets and Capuano have miserable statistics as well. I just hope they all get their shit together because it could be a long fucking April otherwise.

I leave you with these…

But I thought it was only an 8 second sermon?!?!

Nothin’ Doin’

If there’s nothing going on should I still write? If I subscribed to the ESPN school of thought, then yes. Doing what I do for a living there’s ample time to listen to the radio and usually I get a few hours of sports in my ears each day. I enjoy it, usually. There’s basketball, hockey, and offseason news and rumors in baseball and football. It passes the time. But for the last three days I’ve been listening less and less. I think a lot of people have been. Here’s how a lot of people put it “I’m so sick of Brett Favre this and Brett Favre that.” I understand the sentiment, but it’s not really Brett Favre they’re sick of. It’s ESPN that they’re sick of.

Yeah, Favre is a legend in Wisconsin and beyond. Yeah, Favre is a lock for the Hall of Fame. Yeah Favre looks better than you in a pair of Wranglers, but its not his fault ESPN covered nothing but him for the past few days. It’s ESPN’s fault. It’s lazy journalism. Instead of making the Favre story a two minute segment every half hour or hour they turned it into a 72 hour event. It’s not Favre you should be upset at, it’s ESPN.

I know (and so do the guys at the GNC) that the NCAA regular season is almost over, and that conference tournaments are around the corner. In my mind that’s the biggest story. Who’s in, who’s out, who’s on the bubble. That’s interesting. That’s worthy of a 20+ minutes an hour. Who’s locked up a one seed, who could get boned out of a 2 or 3 seed, these are topics of interest. Not to mention good promotion for upcoming network content.

Oh, and I almost forgot that people still play hockey professionally. HeavESPN forbid that I should get to watch highlights of my favorite sport-no-one-else-cares-about. We don’t have a pro team in WI, and since Vs. is the only channel to regularly carry games, and most of those take place when I work, and Sirius is no longer the NHL’s broadcast partner, I get dick in the way of puck. All because it would be more difficult to package some fresh highlights than it is to run an hour long Favre retrospective, followed by a half hour of punditry on the Favre highlights, followed by two hours of sports (and half of that is steriods/spygate non-news) crammed into half an hour. Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

In case you were wondering, yes, there are guys playing baseball south of the Mason-Dixon line in a little thing called “Spring Training”. But who really wants to do any work and talk about lineup controversies, who’s poised to breakout, and which teams are poised to trade? We got it made this week, Favre retired, queue the tape we made three years ago in case of Favre retirement. It made me think of this…

So what the Fuck, ESPN, are you going to cover the Favre story, or the rest of the wide world of sports?  Let me know when you learn how to multitask, I’ll be watching The Wire.

Circle of Life, Doing the Bull Dance, or, uh, not doing the bull dance…

You ever wake up to a phone call that feels like its part of your dream? I only ask because this morning I got a call from the twins, it went like this:

Me – “Hello?”

Them – “Hey, what’s up M?”

Me – “This is highly inappropriate.”

Them – “Didn’t mean to wake you up dude, just thought you should know, Favre Retired.”

*long pause*

Me – “Call you back.”

Needless to say I have not yet called them back. In fact if they had delivered a message like this a thousand years ago, they likely would have been hung. So I lay there in bed, drifting in and out of increasingly worse dreams until – BOOM – I’m awake. Staring up at the ceiling it occurred to me – It’s not the end of the world. Then I looked at my phone. I had a few new messages. They were all one word texts, and I would have been very confused if my Brothers hadn’t told me about Favre. They read simply, “NO”, “fuck”, and “shit”. They were all from different people.

But now, at the end of the (sporting-news) day (because what else are you going to cover today?) I tell you its not so bad. Watch the tube…

If you’re wondering why I have a Cal vs USC clip embeded, Aaron Rodgers is the Cal starting QB, that’s why. It’s not like we’re the Atlanta Falcons right now. So Goodbye Brett, we’ll miss you greatly. And Welcome Aaron, you’d better not Fuck This Up.

“Thanks for finally letting me play Brett!”

Discuss

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