UW vs IU: Throwdown in Madtown (2nd half)

8:54 – 2nd half will start with Wisconsin up 10. Here is a picture of DJ White….

9:02 – Halftime desk-guy said something about an all-activator team. It put a much different picture in my head then he intended.

9:09 – Jamarcus Ellis picks up his third foul before I can even write a sentence. The brick laying continues. Ball movement gets Butch an easy 2. UW up by 11 after IU hits a 2 in response. BUTCH has the shooters touch, 3-ball goes.

9:11 – DJ White gets a bukkit, but Marcus Landry gets a 2 on the other end, UW up by 14.

9:12 – Badgers create another turnover, 16 minutes left in the second half. THAT WAS PRETTY!!! Offensive rebound, behind the back pass, and a backdoor reverse layup. Timeout Indiana?

9:15 – I wonder if the people who called the new Rambo the “best Rambo ever” have seen First Blood. I sincerely doubt that Rambo will be any better than Rocky Balboa.

9:16 Wisconsin is up by 16. Indiana looks ill. Not the “Beastie Boys” ill. They look “Flu-like symptoms” ill. DJ White will shoot some free throws on the backside of this commercial break.

9:18 -(side note, Earl Boykins will be with Charlotte for the rest of the year. Score one for the little people.) After the free throws, WI gets the two back on a Flowers layup. Indiana is having a hard time defending man to man, Also IU is having trouble from beyond the arc.

9:22 – Wisconsin stretches the lead to 18 with 14:23 left in the game. IU is shooting 31% and is 1-11 from 3. WI gets another rebound. That’s the graphic I want to see. Steimsma plays tough inside, but then loses the rebound out of bounds. Blocks it on the other end, and then puts it back after a miss, draws the foul, 3 point play opportunity. Musberger is now calling Greg the “Iceman”. UW now up by 20.

9:27 – Gordon hits a couple free ones to make it an 18 point game. Now he hits a 3 in transition to make it a 15 point game. Wisconsin turns it over on a non-call. Theres a timeout. Could be trouble.

9:30 – Probably not, IU lays another brick. Send these guys to rebuild New Orleans. 11 minutes left in the game now.

9:33 – No charge? 13 point game as Gordon gets 2. Hes score the last 7 Indiana points, make it 10 points as he hits a 3.

9:35 – 12 point game now as Landry puts back the rebound. Some one knocked the Horace Grants goggles off his face, no foul call. IU answers back with 8:30 to play. The refs are officially done calling fouls on Indiana.

9:38 – 7 point WI lead. Foul call on IU’s #2, who is a fatty. Fat fucking fatty. I bet they call him all kinds of names, like thunder thighs, or blubber butt, or camel toe.

9:41 – Marcus Landry with a double double. #2 gets another foul. Fatty was distracted by someone eating a sausage in the front row.

9:43 – DJ White gets 2 more, 5 point lead for the Badgers. WI gets an offensive rebound, and DJ White picks up another foul. One and One for Bohannon, who hits the first. And the 2nd. 43-50 UW.

9:45 – IU is playing completly out of control, all elbows. It’s like they’ve decided they need to make this a full contact game.

9:48 – Krabbenhoft misses the front end of a 1 and 1. Still a 7 point game as IU bricks another 3. Landry sinks a free one, and makes it a 8 point game. 4:20 left, and IU makes it a 6 point game.

9:50 – Krabbenhoft makes a tap in 2, then steals the rebound on the other end.

9:52 – I just realized that I forgot the initial publishing, and so have been saving, but not posting the entire second half. I fail at it.

9:54 – Krabbenhoft just grabbed an offensive board, giving him 10 on the day. Trevon Hughes will shoot 2.

9:55 – UW 55, IU 45 2:33 left. DJ White will shoot another after making the front end. Make it 55 -47, No check that. Landry makes a dunk to stretch the lead back to 10. I am impressed. 2:15 left in the game.

9:58 – IU misses another 3. they must be about 2 for 16. Krabbenhoft has 5 pts 11 rbs, and 5 asts. Erin Andrews has a good story from Krabbenhoft’s mom.

10:01 – The Badgers have stretched the lead to 12, and time is running out for Indiana. 1:21 left in the game

10:02 – ANOTHER missed 3 point shot for Indiana, but they get the put-back dunk and cut the lead to 10 with a minute left. Timeout Indiana, and now they foul.

10:04 – Trevon Hughes hits both FTs, makes it 61-49. IU could end up with less than 50 points. Great replay of Krabbenhoft bouncing a ball off an Indian noggin. Fantastic. Krabbenhoft hits one of two, then grabs another rebound, and Indiana is done fouling, the final will be…..Who the fuck called Timeout with 8 seconds left? 62-49 Wisconsin over Indiana is your final.

10:09 – Key stats in this one: Indiana was 3-21 from 3, committed twice the turnovers that UW did, and attempted fewer free throws (12) than Wisconsin made (19). Gameball? Try plural. One each to Marcus Landry(14 points, 11 rebounds) and Joe Krabbenhoft(6 points, 12 rebounds[6 of them on the offensive glass]).

UW vs IU: Throwdown in Madtown (1st half)

8:00 – A few minutes to tipoff, I’m set, laptop is charged, TV is on the correct channel, drinks and food are in place, and the #11 Hoosiers and the #13 Badgers are about to tip off. Fantastic.

8:03 – It’s Spirit Week!! Which can mean only one thing. The Musberger. Talking about the” meat part of the hand.”

8:07 – Indiana wins the tip, gets a quick 2. Badgers get it back, 2-2.

8:08 – Badgers get a stop, then Indiana gets a stop. 3 consecutive misses now…Make it UW 4 – IU 2.

8:09 – Badgers get another stop. They’re playing good D and getting to the hoop. Marcus Landry just made an aggressive move, 3 point play opportunity. Badgers now up by 5 with 17:15 left in 1st half.

8:11 – Michael Flowers has a breakaway layup blocked, Indian gets two on the turnover. Traveling on Indiana, and cut to commercial. Nice effort by Wisconsin, although if Flowers had hustled harder or gone for the dunk the UW lead would be larger. Indiana is really going to have to hustle for 40 minutes tonight.

8:13 – Another missed layup by WI, and a nice J by IU makes it 7-6. Trevon Hughes hits a 3, 10-6 UW. Indiana is trying to get dribble penetration, then throws up a bad 3. Krabbenhoft follows on the break and gets two on a putback. Make it a 6 point lead for the Badgers.

8:14 – 14 minutes left in the first half. Indiana gets called for an offensive foul. The Hoosiers are looking frustrated. Some substitutions, and UW works the swing offense. A bad jumper but Stiemsma gets a putback with the shot clock expiring. IU misses another bunny. And another one. 14 – 6 Badgers with 12 minutes left now.

8:21 – ESPN keeps cutting to commercial before the Musberger is done talking. This time they cut him off as he was about to tell us how long IU’s scoring drought was. I know that ESPN wants to run promos for Student Spirit Week, but I would like to here what Brent has to say.

8:23 – Steal by Wisconsin. Bohannon lays in in, Badgers by 10, and I finally find out that it is a 6 minute scoring drought. DJ White will now attempt to end it with a couple free throws. Brian Butch comes in after White hits the 1st. He hits the 2nd. 8 point game with 11 minutes left in the half. 6 point game on a break putback for IU. Badgers better get out of cruise control.

8:26 – Butch can’t get a call tonight. (like a fatty on prom night)

8:28 – There seems to be no reward for playing good D tonight. 18-12 Wisconsin.

8:29 – 8:18 left in the 1st. The Mus tells me that IU has more turnovers than field goals. Butch just hit a 3. 21 -12 UW, and IU turns it over on the inbounds pass.

8:33 – Erin Andrews…Would you hit it?

8:34 – Marcus Landry in Horace Grants Rec Specs contests the dump down pass, Ball goes out to WI. Now Trevon Hughes will shoot from the stripe. Hits them.

8:36 – IU has 12 points with 6 minutes left. No one can hit anything. There hasn’t been a made FG for a few minutes now. Cancel that, nice ball movement by UW to beat that 2-3 zone. 25 -12 UW, and IU will shoot some free throws.

8:40 – DJ White dunks on a putback. Then UW throws it away on an inside pass. IU cant hit a jump shot tonight. 3:26 left in the 1st, IU 15 – WI 25

8:43 – IU gets a three, now WI and IU decide to pick the tempo up, but don’t make any shots. 2:15 left and Wisconsin is shooting bonus fts. 27 -18 Wisconsin. UW gets another rebound, and now another non-shooting foul will get UW free throws. An awkward runner gets IU’s Gordon 2. Less than a minute now, and someone is going to have to pick up all these bricks at halftime. DJ White picks up his 3rd foul. 4 second difference in game and shot clock. Flowers puts back a Bohannon 3, and Wisconsin goes into the locker room up 30 -20.

A Flat Tire and Dirty Hands

I caught a flat tonight. I don’t know if the tire got punctured, but I am so happy that I learned how to do change a tire when I was 12, because if all I had to rely on were these assholes I would be in serious trouble. “Lug nut remover.”? Are you serious?

Here’s what happens when you rely on youtube to learn how to change a tire…

And this is what you get for stopping to help…

But anyway, My fucking spare was flat. I suppose that its my fault, but still, of all the shit things to happen… Long story short, I got the spare on and inflated, but it was the last thing I needed at three in the morning. So how does this relate to sports? A better question is how can I force a metaphor out of this? Well, simple…

The LA Clippers are like my car.

I had a flat tire, They have Elton Brand (whose torn Achilles is essentially a flat tire)

I have a spare, which happens to be flat. They have Tim Thomas, who plays flat.

I wasted about an hour to get the tire changed, then getting to a gas station to buy some tire in a can so that I could drive back to the station to finish filling my tire with air so that I could drive home. The Clippers have tried to replace Elton’s minutes with Tim Thomas minutes and its worked out to be about the same waste of time. Its worked out to 13-28 to be exact.

So What’s the moral of all this? Lets go back to the days when you were studying for the ACTs/SATs…

Your car:Keeping your spare inflated::Your team:Keeping the roster deep

When (not if, when) injuries happen in professional sports, the only thing to do is slap on the spare and keep on truckin’. Making sure that the spare is functional isn’t something that most people think about until they catch a flat, but when (not if, when) it happens its all you can think about. Not every team is saavy enough to make sure that the replacement process will go smoothly, so here’s the other side to this analogy…

Your car:Not keeping your spare inflated::Your team:Has a bad GM
You can even customize this 2nd analogy to apply to every major sport. Observe…

Your car:Not keeping your spare inflated::Atlanta Falcons:Joey Harrington

Your car:Not keeping your spare inflated::NY Yankees:Pitching Staff

Your car:Not keeping your spare inflated::NY Knicks:Isiah Thomas

Classroom suggestion: Stop the lesson and encourage students to form their own analogies!

Lesson Learned. You get bitten in the ass when you don’t have a plan B.

Dear ESPN,

Please give Bill Simmon’s spot on Page 2 to Chuck Klosterman. (no explanation needed)

Sincerely,

TheEvenChunkierMonkey

Know your UW Badgers:Pt II

After Purdue snapped the Badgers 10 game winning streak yesterday I feel it only fitting to finish something left undone for some weeks now. Previously I brought you a pictorial guide entitled Know Your UW Badgers: The White Guy Edition, and now I bring you the black men of Wisconsin basketball. While fewer in number, Past members of this exclusive fraternity have performed at the highest level. Micheal Finley, Devon Harris, and Alando Tucker have all been drafted into the NBA, and there may be another future pro pictured below.

Marcus Landry: The Junior Forward is a Wisconsin product whose older brother Carl played ball for Purdue. Playing significantly more minutes than he did as an underclassman Marcus is putting up about 11 ppg and 5 rpg in 28mpg. He has range (shoots 40% + from beyond the arc) and plays taller than his listed height of 6′7″. Also he wears Horace Grant’s old Rec Specs, which makes the young man by definition Old School (also it makes him awesome in NBA Jam TE).

Trevon Hughes: Sophomore guard who spent last year playing behind the graduating Kamron Taylor. He’s getting 30 mpg, and putting up 13ppg, but his assists total is as embarrassing low as is his FT%. The upside is that he’s young, but if he’s to lead the Badgers deep into the Tournament his play needs improvement.

Michael Flowers: A Senior guard, he’s playing close to 30 mpg, and putting up nearly 10 points per game. He’s shown steady improvement every year, and UW will need his leadership to finish strong and win some games in March.

Morris Cain: Junior from Glendale WI. Hasn’t averaged more than 2 minutes a game his entire career. He’s a bit undersized for a forward, kind of a tweener G/F. This is the only know photograph of Mr. Cain.

Wquinton Smith: No I did not misspell his name. This freshman walk-on is a Milwaukee native. He’s played all of one minute of one game this year, so nobody knows too much about him. Including how to pronounce his name. Is it Win-ton, wah-Quin-ton, or Quinn-ten? I’m sure we’ll find out next year, but just in case you see #2 on the floor for UW, here’s the only picture I could find…

 

I told you this would be much shorter than Pt. I, but even I didn’t think it would go by this quick. Since I actually get to see the Indiana game on Thursday (8pm CT on ESPN) I might blog it live, might not, we’ll see. Also, the lolz continue in Miami as Paul Pasqualoni will likely be the new defensive coordinator for the Dolphins, so if I feel motivated Episode 2 of the Sparanos will be forthcoming.

 

 

I’m Pretending this Never Happened

Here’s my side of every conversation about the Packers\Giants game

“The game last Sunday?  Which one?  No, no, the Packers didn’t play….  No dude, that was Madden simulation….Yeah, the Commish just decided to give the Lombardi trophy to New England, you didn’t hear?”

And when people really keep pushing it I have to threaten to break their face to get them to shut up.  What business does a Bear’s (or Bronco’s or even Vikings) fan have hassling me about the Packers? Make the playoffs, and then we’ll talk.  Until then I’m dealing with this in the positive way I can think of:  Denial.

OK fine.  The Packers got beat for serious on Sunday, and I’m going to treat it like my family treats my cousin’s abortions.  I’m just going to pretend it didn’t happen, and never speak of it again.  Fellatio Indeed, Earlier….

Heath Ledger died, and somehow the passing of the star of A Knight’s Tale is more important to CNN then this is.

Maybe tommorrow, or later this week, I’ll have the second half of this done for you (After all the Badgers squeaked by Michigan tonight), and if the Dolphins hire more people perhaps another episode of The Sparano’s.  I really am having a hard time thinking about football right now, The self-imposed sports news blackout will continue through the Super Bowl.

My Laziness Manifests itself in the form of YouTube Embeds

How can I write any more about the Packers game when the Onion publishes this?

Also when someone says mean things like this…

…I know that I should forget about the Packers very existence and move to Canada, or if they won’t have me, maybe Minnesota. Your words are weapons. Weapons that make me….so happy not to be you, I suppose. But then there’s people who use ‘izzle’ in their name, and play so much Madden that they think they’re actually on the Giants coaching staff….

…I remember having a moment like that back in ‘05, I was playing a season a week, trying to forget how bad my team was. The moment when I caught myself giving my team a pep talk was the moment I decided that I should smoke less pot. For Christ sake, I was talking like this guy….

….Ummm, Uhhh, should we, you know, uh,

…leave now so we can beat the traffic. We fear traffic. And Anonymous…..

…always fear anonymous….

Mark and The Melvin

(The Setting: Mark Attanasio’s Luxury Box/Office/Vault Room)

-(pushes intercom button) Sharon! Send in Melvin.

– (edges through door) – Hey!! (pauses) Mark!! How you doin’? Buddy?

-Not well, you Melvin. (slaps down a copy of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel) Have you seen this? Do you think this makes me happy?

– I didn’t know you were that much of a Seinfeld fan sir, but don’t worry. They show re-runs all the time on, like, 15 different cable stations….

– (sighs, rubs forehead) You. Fucking. Melvin. I am not upset about that Seinfeld thing. I am upset about this. (removes spreadsheet from a desk drawer)

– Umm, I know you hate it when I ask questions, but should there really be that many red numbers…

– SHUT UP MELVIN! (straightens suit, adjusts his tie, and takes a deep breath) No. There should not be that many red numbers. Like this one. What in God’s name did you spend $10 million dollars on last month?

– Uh….Eric Gagne?

– And this charge on my Black Card for almost $13 and a half million?

– Jeez…(puts on his reading glasses)…looks like…Jason Kendall?

– Melvin, I was curious when I saw that even ten million missing from my checking account, and my interest was piqued when my AmEx bill was about 13 mil and change more then it should have been, but the straw that broke the camel’s back is this $7 million you spent last week. When I told you you had thirty million to spend I didn’t mean spend it all on NEW PLAYERS!!! Christ, you’re worse than my dead beat brother. I gave him $30 mil, and you know what he did with it? Huh? HE MADE THE F#$%@*& GOOD GERMAN!!!

– Heck, Mark. I wish you would’ve said that sooner, because I just promised more money to Claudio Vargas and Chris Capuano.

– (paces furiously, running his hands through his hair and cursing under his breath)

– Um, now might not be a good time, but JJ and Dave Bush are seeking arbitration to….well, you know….get more money.

– (waving arms and gesticulating wildly) GOD DAMN IT DOUG, YOU FUCKING MELVIN! WHAT THE HELL?? DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY???

– Um. Yes?

– (stops suddenly, smooths his suit, tightens his tie and smiles) Actually I am. (Pause) It feels pretty good to be made of money Doug. Sorry about all the shouting. (presses intercom button) Sharon! tell my wife to pack, we’re going to Paris in (checks watch) 3 and half hours. (turning to the Melvin) Just try not to spend any more of my money while I’m gone. (leaves Doug standing alone in the Luxury Suite/Office/Vault Room)

– (Looks over his shoulder at the still swinging door, then at the open vault overflowing with untraceable barabonds, then back over his shoulder at the open door) Fuck it. (fills his briefcase with money, then walks quickly out.)

You’re Seriously Picking the Giants?

You’re just fucking with me right?  You are going to bet hard earned money on the NY Giants…  OK, fine with me, I’m not your wife.  I just happen to think that its the dumbest thing I’ve heard since you said the Seahawks were going to cover.  I’m just trying to help out here, there are FACTS that say betting on the Giants is a bad idea.  This is not merely my opinion, this is not because I’m biased (which I am).  This is because I honestly don’t want you to lose money this weekend.  You heard me correctly, I am merely concerned that your children need those two bills more than your bookie does.  Fine, fine.  Put your money on the Giants, but first let me show you why you shouldn’t…

Reason #1: These teams already played each other.  Did you bet on the Giants for that one?  You did?  Sorry guy.  I guess you don’t need me to remind you that the Packers won by 23 points then.

Reason #2: Since that game the Packers have gotten significantly better through the addition of Ryan Grant.  You know, the guy who made it seem like you’d win on a Seattle cover for about 15 minutes.  He’s the guy who has rushed for 1130 yards from week 8 through last weekend.

Reason #3: Brett Favre went 29-38 and 3 TDs in week 2 versus the Giants.  Factor in New York CB’s Ross and Madison are on the injury list and tell me how the Giants are going to cover anyone.  At least answer the question for yourself, because its not my money that you’re betting.

Reason #4: Yeah yeah the Giants are 9-1 on the road, but the Packers are 8-1 at home.  Let’s look deeper…The Giants went 1-5 against teams with a winning record in the regular season, and the Packers 3-1. 

Reason #5: The Packers are 13-3-1 ATS for the season, compared to the Giants 12-6-0 mark.

Reason #6: Football Outsiders DVOA.  Green Bay is rated at 27.3%(which is #2) and the Giants are rated at 3.4% (which is 18th).  I gave you the percentage split for every week for every game since week 5, you check how many times a 20% or greater split ends with a win for the lower rated team.

Reason #7: Accuscore.  Their simulations have the Packers winning 67% to NY 32%.  If that’s not enough than look at their composite projections.  I’m only trying to keep you from losing money.  Accuscore says there’s a 40% chance the Packers win big, which is almost twice the number of close win projections for both teams combined.

Reason #8:  Eli Manning is almost as likely to throw multiple interceptions (6 times this season) as he is to throw multiple touchdowns (7 times this season).  Favre’s ratio?  12 multiple TD games to 6 multiple INT games.

Reason #9:  “In the 37 completed seasons since the AFL-NFL merger, there have been only nine NFC Championship Games decided by seven points or fewer…”  .Thats less than 1 out of 4 probability that the Giants could lose and still cover.  Think about that.  Also “Home teams have .662 winning percentage (49-25) in conference championship since 1970…“

Reason #10: Eli will no doubt be worn out by the DSRL events he’s scheduled to compete in on Friday and Saturday.
That’s it.  No pictures.  Only one joke.  Ten reasons why all these people are wrong…

Scott Ferrall

Big Daddy Drew

Matt Chin

Harry Carson 

Almost the entire New York Post

Harmon and Prisco at CBS

Tom Wier

Also I am picking the Pats, per Rule #1 of the 2007 NFL Season.  DVOA agrees with me on both, meaning our record is and will be identical after this week.

The Sparano’s – Episode 1 – Tony buys a Boat

(Cousin Billy dials the phone) – Eh, Tony. We gotta talk. It was Cam.

– You sure?

– He’s our problem, has been the whole fuckin’ time.

(cut to Cam “Big Pussy” Cameron’s front door)

– (ding-dong, door opens) – Cmon, Who wants to go buy a boat!!

-What are you guys doing here? I’ve been puking and crapping all day, I don’t know if I wanna go out.

-C’mon, the owners got a couple offers, I gotta decide today, so lets go Puss.

(Big Puss complains, but gets in the car with Cousin Billy and Tony. Jeff “lil Jeffree” Ireland is driving)

– Alright, we’re on our way. You gotta see this Sea Ray, Puss, its a primo craft that uh, you know…

-Shut the fuck up and drive Jeffree.

(cut to the marina, the boys make small talk with Cam as they make way down the dock and board a gorgeous yacht. They motor away smoothly into the Atlantic)

- Hey Puss, come below and check out this fuckin’ mohagany. The craftsmanship,Christ, bee-u-tifull.

– (nervously) -It really is nice, Ton’, I wish I could aff-

(Tony and Cousin Billy shove Cam into a chair, Cam looks frightened, and Tony looks like he can smell that Cam has shit his pants.)

– We know it was you, shithead. You sold us out. How could you? What’d they have you on?

– Who’s they, what the fuc—

(Tony slaps Cam across the face)

– Shut the fuck up, Pussy! Don’t lie to me, I know all about you and the Patriots. I know that you gave em the tapes. Our playbook!?! You’re a dirty piece of shit, I just wanna know why you’d sell everyone out like that.

- They they had pictures of me..(starts crying)…..

– BE A MAN, PUSSY!

– They had pictures of me … leaving an adult establishment..

– You sold us out over a titty joint?? You little bitch!

– Not a titty joint, Billy, not a …… It was Goldfellas. I was so embarrassed Ton’, I didn’t know what to do…When Belichek sent me the photos….OH GOD, what have I done….I need a drink…You got any tequila on board?

(Cousin Billy pours Cam a drink)

– Did you even try? (pulls out a 9mm.) I mean, Trent and then to Cleo, and then John and back to Cleo? Fucked up.

Not in the face, OK? You give me that? I’m starting to feel sick, Jesus Christ….I need to sit down. Is that OK, Tony?

(Gunshots, then a *thump*)

– Lil Jeffree, get the weights. (dials cell phone) – It’s done.

– Good