Slipping Badly OR a Barful of Perfect Strangers

Imagine if you will, a week in the NFL were only 3 of 13 home teams win.  I won’t make excuses, I promised myself.  But now I’m behaving like a little girl.  I went 8-5 this week.  Which sucks badly.  The DVOA???  12-1.  How am I supposed to compete with that? Well, by more closely analyzing the games,  and by not EVER picking the Jets to win again.    So after many moons of this the statistical analysis is whaling on yours truly to the tune of:

DVOA 42-11

Monkey 34-19

But on the upside of this, I got to drink a bottomless pint, play free QB1, eat a ton of delicious food (most of fried), and watch the Packers overtime win with a few close friends and 50 perfect strangers.  Favre connecting with Jennings was like 100 volts through all the stools in the place.  The moment was a beautiful thing, Shouting Screaming, Jumping, Spilling, getting High Fives from a perfect stranger with a mustache and an appetite for Miller High Life.

The only bar moment I can remember thats even close is when I couldn’t get tickets to Ohio State @ Wisconsin.  They were #1, heavy favorite, etc.   Three times that game there were those electric current moments, and because I was drunk, I don’t quite remember what order they happened in.  First was when some asshole on OSU was choking Jim Sorgi, the crowd at the bar got ugly.  I sincerely thought that the dumb sonofabitch in the Ohio State gear was gonna get pummeled for wearing the wrong colors(actually they’re the same colors, just arranged differently, but you understand.)  Second Moment in that game was when Kris Gamble muffed a punt, then got smoked, Wisconsin recovers, all with the score tied I believe.  The Third moment was when Wisconsin’s back-up QB came in and threw a bomb to Lee Evans.  Not a 15 yard pass that he takes the rest of the way, but a ball that is in the air for 40 yards or so, before spiralling down perfectly as the crowd (both in the bar and at the stadium) rises out of their seats, and then the catch was made, and everyone raised their arms, and then Evans breaks away from the reciever, and everyone screamed and shouted, and I think I gave a perfect stranger with a mustache a high five then too.

 

Week 8 Picks OR Playing Dress-Up

Before I left yesterday to go to work I had half of my picks justified and 10 hours ago I thought I would come home from work and finish them.  But then work happened.  For those you not in the know, Every Halloween (more specifically either the weekend before or after Halloween) Madison gets a little crazy.  No quite Mardi Gras crazy, because its usually40 degrees or so, but pretty f!@#ing crazy.  So instead of jsutifying anything, I’m just going to tell you what people at FreakFest these week 8 games most resemble.

Indy @ Carolina
Colts/Panthers….This one reminds me of Frat Boys dresed in drag.  Why, you ask?  Because it will be lopsided, just like the stuffed bra after a wild night of binge drinking.  How do I know it will be lopsided?  Because it will either be the new pledge Carr, or the pledge-master Testeverde under center for the Panthers.  Eat your heart out Dwight Freeney.  I’ll take Indy by 13

DVOA  Indy by 68.1%

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
This game will be a defining moment for both teams.  It reminds of a skinny girl out with her not-so-skinny friend, and they’re both dressed in identical “sexy nurse” outfits.  Imagine the two of them out at the bar, the pretty one getting all kinds of attention, the fugly one playing the part of the third wheel.  Which team is which girl?  The outcome of this game will decide it.  I’ve decided that Mike Tomlin is my girl, but I’ve had a few, I may end up taking one for the team. Pittsburgh by 2

DVOA Pittsburgh by 32.7%

Detroit @ Chicago
This game is a 250 lb man whose costume consists soley of spandex bike shorts and wrestling shoes.  Yes, I actually saw this today, and yes, that’s how ugly this one is on paper.  No one wants to see it, but once you do, you can’t look away.  Factor in stretch marks, nipple hair, and my utter lack of faith in Detroit, and you have my pick:  Chicago by 7.

DVOA  Detroit by 6.8%

Oakland @ Tennessee
This game is the grad student who dresses up as an esoteric charactor from a Scandanavian short story that he made his discussion section read even though it wasn’t on the reading list.  No one knows why he glued the giant wart and huge mustache onto his face except for him and his boyfriend.  But I digress.  Oakland can’t seem to rally around Daunte, either because he was the QB that Moss made or they just plain stink.  Tennessee seems to be the better team, so I’ll take them by 5.

DVOA  Tennessee by 50.9%

Cleveland @ St.Louis
This matchup is the fat girl who sqeezes into a not-so-mini skirt and halter top, and calls the ensemble “sexy accountant”.  Why??  because no one outside of Cleveland wants to see it.  Do the Rams have hope?  certainly, but it will take years of proper diet and exercise to fix the damage done, and unfortunately for them, even a stomach staple can’t salvage this season.  I’ll take the Browns by 14.

DVOA Cleveland by 33.8%

Philadelphia @ Minnesota
This game is between a team who has fallen short of high expectations, and a team that is currently meeting low expectations.  In this regard, Philly @ Minny is 3 guys dressed up like the Beastie Boys in the Sabotage video.  Except they half-assed and forget to get dress pants, dress shoes, and false mustaches.  Instead they have on Jeans, Sneakers, and Magic Marker Mustaches.  I’ll take the home team, because Childress will finally give Adrian Peterson the ball 20+ times.  Vikings by 6.

DVOA Philly by 5.9%

NY Giants @ Miami
I’ve already seen this game.  Allow me to explain:  Imagine, for a moment, a man dressed as a pirate.  Imagine the feathered hat.  Imagine the Eye Patch.  Imagine the poofy shirt.  Imagine the pantaloons and knee socks.  Now imagine that he has a giant dildo taped to the end of his sword.  That is the essence of this game.  It has all the makings of a great idea, Introducing the NFL to England and all, but the fact that the Dolphins are playing in this one is like taping a dildo to the end of your sword.  It sounded good 5 months ago when you were planning it by yourself, but on Saturday night you felt slightly embarrassed telling folks you were a “butt pirate”  I’ll take the Giants by 17.

DVOA  NY by 35.3%

Buffalo @ NY Jets
This one is simpler to explain in terms of a Halloween costume.  It’s two dudes in cheap Freddy masks arguing about who’s costume is better when neither of the has the striped shirt of finger claws.  In other words, neither team can be considered an offensive dynamo, neither team has a very good record, and  both are missing important pieces neccessary to complete the ensemble.  I know that the DVOA favors Buffalo, but I still like the Jets at home.  I’ll take NY by 7

DVOA  Buffalo by 15.7%

Houston @ San Diego
Wow, this game is two friends dressed as Winnie the Pooh and Tigger.  I guess we’ll find out just how good the Houston defense is in this one.  In light of half of California being on fire, and half of the Chargers living out of Pheonix hotel rooms, and in light of Norv Turner being San Diego’s head coach, I’ll take Houston by a last second FG, Texans by 3.

DVOA   San Diego by 21.4%

Jacksonville @ Tampa Bay
If Garrard was going to start for Jacksonville, this game would be two hot chicks dressed as “sexy cops”, but since Gray is their starter this one will be more like a bunch of sorority sisters dressed in shapeless Crayola Crayon costumes.  They intrigue you, but are ultimately unarousing.  My money is on Jeff Garcia and the Bucs.  TB by 9.

DVOA  Tampa by 2.3%

Washington @ New England
This game is hard to define in terms of costumes, so I’ll use the overall event to describe it.  The Patriots are going to riot, and 3 times out of 5 tear gas will be need to stop their explosive offense that has toppled and set on fire the trash cans and benches that collectively represent their opposition.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  I won’t be picking against NE all year long.  Patriots by a touchdown more than the spread.

DVOA   NE by 49.5%

New Orleans @ San Francisco
What a couple of Losers.  That’s what I said about the two dudes in Raggedy Ann and Andy costumes.  Yes I’m certain they were both dudes.  The only thing I know about this game is that there will be no winner.  Actually there will be, but only because its impossible for both teams to lose.  The real loser?  Whoever has to watch this Peice of $#!%.  I’ll take the Saints by 3.  But only because I have to pick someone.

DVOA  N.O. by 22.6%

Green Bay @ Denver
This game is like the dude who dresses up like the hometown QB and has ever since you first met him.  Packer fans dress up like Favre, and Bronco’s fans still wear full football gear with a 7 jersey.  The difference is the Packers Hall of Fame QB is still on the team.  Take GB by 11, and don’t forget the eyeblack.

Monkey  Packers 24 Broncos 13
DVOA    GB by 26.9%

A Badger Game Blog OR Why I Hate Charter and the BTN.

http://www.broadbandinfo.com/news/big-ten-network-available-to-some-cable-and-satellite-viewers.html

http://wkow.madison.com/News/index.php?ID=14330

http://www.wiscnews.com/rtp/news/250881

http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/sports/columnists.nsf/dancaesar/story

One side says We want X, Y, and Z and then the other side says well, you can only have E, and F. The first side says, E and F? Thats so far away from X, Y, and Z! Give us X, Y, and Z! So the second side says X, Y, and Z?!? That’s so far away from E and F!! You get E and F or nothing! Now this goes on forever, both sides being to stupid to see that all we want in Wisconsin is to see the Badgers. Forget all that, I just pulled up ESPN’s Gamecast to see what was happening, and I can always use my radio, so F@#$ You, BigTenNetwork (Half-owned by FSN) I made sure to click on ESPN’s advertising. And F@#$ You Charter for not being willing to compromise either. You both make me want to puke. Oh, the Badgers won 33-3, apparently PJ Hill was injured, etc etc.

To the BTN:  How about you stop fighting this ‘relegation’ to a sports tier and just say, it’s $1.10 per customer per month if we’re on basic, but 4-6 times that amount if we’re on the sports tier?

To Charter:  How about you say, we’ll pay $3.25 a month to put you on a sports tier, but only 75 cents if you want on basic?

To Frustrated Customers:  Call Charter and tell them to pick up BTN in some form or you’ll switch to DirectTV.

Game On, or South Park starts at 9…

7:19 – TV on, the Boston Pops and John Williams
are doing the National Anthem. The PA calls him, “the epitome of our culture.” It’s raining in Boston, and I’m wondering if they’ll play the game, or if Theo’s just thinking that he already overpaid the Boston Pops for this, and if they call the game he won’t get his money back, so make em perform and that way he can tape it and use it tomorrow…..I open my massive bottle of Yeti. FOX has some kind of introduction featuring a montage of ‘can’t ignore’ moments. Suprisingly Bill Buckner is spared a clip in this montage.

7:21 – ING is running an ad that looks slick, but the tagline is “it’s easier on the bench.” Joe Buck!! Tim McCarver?!? They’re actually going to play baseball! (Now Tim is sitting way to close to, and is looking at Joe like he’s going to just plant one right on Joe Bucks lips. It’s 6 beers away from actually happening.)

7:31 – I really should’ve checked TV Guide to find out what time the first pitch was, because the game still hasn’t started. Now FOX is running an orchestral score over all the non-stop-non-action. This had better come to a head soon, because I am quickly losing patience with all this pomp. ALL NEW FOX TUESDAY. They should drop the SDAY so that it rhymes. It won’t get me to watch House, but the promo’s would grate slightly less.

7:36 – Oh my f@#$ing God!! can we PLEASE start the game?? Interesting nugget – Josh Beckett was MLB’s ONLY 20 game winner. This is strange.

7:37 – Willy Tavaras is up against Josh Beckett. The first pitch of the world series is a 96 mph strike.

7:38 – Tavaras gets rung up looking on a pitch 3 inches off the plate.

7:40 – Joe Buck is all about the Kazuo rennaiscance.

7:42 – Beckett K’s Matsui. Joe Buck Says Matt Holiday could be the NL MVP. Beckett K’s Holliday for a 1-2-3 inning. If Joe Buck doesn’t stop praising the Rockies this could be the shortest series ever. Every time he compliments them they strike out.

7:44 – On Kidnation they’re debating who should get a gold star.

7:45 – FloMax?? Decrease in Semen?? Fainting?? Does FloMax just turn you into a lady??

7:46 – YASTREMSKI!!! Move over Tim McCarver, Carls needs to be in that booth with Joe Buck. It would get rid of that awkward sexual tension.

7:47 – Francis throws his first pitch for another questionable strike call. His second pitch? HR by Pedroia

7:49 – Youklis doubles

7:50 – Big Papi is bunting? Ortiz has the best groomed facial Hair in the World Series. Youklis goes to 3rd on an Ortiz Groundout. Gary Kasparov is on the Cobert Report.

7:52 – RBI Single for Manny. Eat it Skip Bayless, BOS 2 – COL 0

7:57 – Varitek with a 2-out base hit. I’m excited as FOX flashed to Brewers Padres on the last game of the season. They show Tony Gwynn Jr.’s triple. JD Drew’s up <insert snarky Sports Guy comment here> JD hits a 2-out RBI double. BOS 3 – COL 0

8:08 – Rockies get a two out double, 2 minutes later Beckett gets another K

8:11 – Tuliwitzki hits an RBI double. BOS 3 – Col 1. Love that Bud Light ‘I’ll take the stairs ad.

8:17 – Francis gets his 1st K against Ellsbury

8:19 – With Youklis up I think its time you know that my favorite part of the postseason is the facial hair. I LOVE it. Beards, Goatees, soul patches, mustaches, and the lip-less Ortiz Beard. The only thing missing is a dude with HUGE Muttonchop Burnside sideburns. The current Facial Hair standings go like this 1. David Ortiz 2. Todd Helton 3. Kevin Youklis………4 through next to last …………. Last) Josh Becketts ‘Missed a Spot’ Look.

8:22 – Jeff Francis’s favorite movie is the Shawshank Redemption. That’s my mom’s favorite movie too!!!

8:24 – RBI two out double for Ortiz. Youklis scores from 1st. BOS 4 – COL 1 and its only the 2nd inning.

8:28 – If we all just buy a Chevy Silverado will the ads stop?

8:30 South Park starts in 30 minutes. Josh Beckett has a 30:1 SO:BB ratio this postseason. Manny makes a jogging grab in the outfield. Will Skip Bayless ignore the fact its raining and dog Manny for not sprinting to make a catch he made anyway?

8:35 – another 1-2-3 inning for Josh Beckett. It’s not the Direct TV HDTV Starship. ITS A F@$#ING BLIMP.

8:39 – Last Weeks South Park is running right now, the boys just met the Mayor of Imagination land who offers them a ride on his “Imagination Flying Machine.” Butters asks“Are you going to rape us?”

8:42 – Lugo gets a two-out bunt single. He’s fast. Nothing doing though, end of the 3rd.

8:45 – iPhone commercial; but its not the Boston tool one “I had a phone, my camera, my iPod, and a phone for texting…I needed a little bag to carry them all…” <—-he was carrying a PURSE. JUST SAY IT YOU METROSEXUAL @$$HOLE.

8:48 – T shows up with more beer. “That’s not an idea, that’s a twist.”

8:55 – Beckett gets his 6th and 7th K’s, inning over.

8:57 – Taking a half hour break from the game to watch South Park.

9:14 – Halfway through SP, I open a bottle of Old Ruffian.

9:22 – 2nd commercial break of SP, the score of the game is now BOS 6 – COL 1. I had vowed there would be no Switchoff during South PArk, but then Comedy Central ran a ‘Fred Clause’ ad.

9:30 – South Park is done, its still 6-1. Only Gagne could make this interesting.

9:41 – Bottom of the 5th, COL 1 – BOS 9, wha happen?

9:45 – bases loaded, Boston Bats around.

9:48 – RBI by JD Drew, BOS 10 – COL 1. I’m officially done watching this game.

**************Postus Interruptus**************

****************Time for Work****************

9:49 – Switch over to the Sarah Silverman show, and catch a ridiculous necrophilia joke. T follow it up with his own ridiculous pedophilia joke.

9:53 – Boston douche iPhone commercial. Bostons now up 11-1.

9:57 – “Wanna go shave each others balls?” its still the bottom of the fifth, the bases are still loaded, Boston leading now 12-1. Joe Buck explains the concept of ‘batting around’ to America. Colorado walks in a run.

1 0:00 – I am agreeing now with the announcers. Why is Hurdle calling for the bullpen? YOU LOSE!! Seriously, officially, You Lose. Enough, I’m watching the Daily Show.

10:06 – Laughing so hard at Aasif Mandvi. “Multi-national cuddle puddle.” Follow it up with a Madden Joke and you have TV gold my friend.

10:08 – BOS turns a double play, Fry has on Grouch Marx glasses on Cartoon Network. The nose, or “human horn” is said to be an aphrodisiac.

10:17 – Game 6 of 1995 playoffs is on ESPN Classic. “Kerr misses badly”

10:35 – “Our Country is being invaded by Horny Walruses.” – Stephen Colbert

10:39 – Bottom of the 7th, still BOS 13 – COL 1

10:41 – This game is so lopsided I’d rather watch Macauly Culkin guest-starring on an old episode of Will and Grace. Thank you Lifetime.

10:43 – Spike TV wants to know what % of girls go girl-on-girl. Strangley enough, so do I.

10:50 – Family guy rerun on Cartoon Network.

10:51 – “Thank you Meg, I guess beggars can be choosers.” – Tom Tucker

It’s the bottom of the 8th, BOS leading 13-1. It’s reached the point of me being totally disinterested in this game. I’m just going to play the Real World drinking game.

10:56 – Chotch sighting on “I Luv NuYork”

The True Meaning of the World Series is neither Ham, nor Pomp.

The true meaning of the World Series is Drinking.  Drinking and Revenge.  Well, maybe its just drinking.  Personally, I think this will be over quickly, and I’m predicting Boston wins the series at Coors Field.  Could go four games, could go 5, but I don’t think that the Rockies can stretch it to 6.  Boston has the most potent offensive Lineup the Rockies have faced this postseason.  The gap between the Phillies/Dbacks and the Red Sox is wide.  Really wide.  Not to mention the gap between the post-season offensive stats of the Rockies and the Sox.  I just can’t see a Rockies pitching staff that has just over a 2 ERA continuing their success against a lineup with a ton of World Series Experience.  Lowell and Beckett were on the 03 Marlins that beat the Yankees, Schilling wa on the 01′ D-backs that beat the Yankees, Varitek, Ramirez, Ortiz, Youklis, Schilling and Wakefield all won the 04 series.  You heard it here last.

Monkey misses Max and the DVOA Official Week 7 Wrap

Well, The Monkey will finish at 9-5 this week, while the DVOA (coming into week 7 at 21-5) went a lowly 9-5 as well.  A tie this week, but through the last three, it looks like this:

DVOA   –   30-10

Monkey   —   26-14

 

Will you be watching the World Series?  I might be.  I’ll tell you if I do.  I don’t mean to be coy, its just who I am.

 RIP Max McGee . He was the MVP of Super Bowl One, and someone just about everyone in Wisconsin knew and loved.  He was the voice of the Packers Radio Network until only recently, and if I’m not mistaken called the very first game Favre ever played in, through the Super Bowl Victory, finally retiring only a few years ago.

 “But Vince was about as smart as anybody who ever put on a coaching hat. One time before a big game, he told us that if anybody was caught sneaking out before the game it would cost him $5,000. And he looked at me and said, ‘McGee, let me tell you something — if you find somebody worth $5,000, let me me know — I want to go with you.’ That broke the tension. He could get you so wired before a game you almost couldn’t play …”  -M. McGee

Week of The Field Goal…

Monkey into Monday Night…..8-5. Why? Because this is International Field Goal week, that’s why. I’m not here to pull a Skip Bayless, and say they (kickers) have no place on the football field, I’m just going to say three words. Rob F@#$ing Bironas. Allow me to elaborate…..

I had picked Houston to win by a field goal this week and when the 4th quarter started I thought, “How did I guess so poorly?” And that is when the comeback began. The 4th quarterwas the most exciting 15 minutes of football this week, hands down, and when a Kris Brown XP put the Texans up by one, I was jumping up and down, screaming like a little girl from Boston who just saw Tom Brady buying a frozen yogurt at the food court in her local mall. Texans win on a last minute TD, I’m excited because my prediction came out, I got to see a kick-ass 29 point quarter. And then? Kerry Collins beats the blitz, and the man with the best facial hair to ever coach south of the Mason-Dixon line calls for his hired leg. The guy already kicked 7 FG’s, and with 2 seconds left, he boots a league record eighth (for a probable Fantasy record with 29 points. He is the third highest scoring player this week going into MNF.). My head was in my hands, I was distraught, and then I realized, ‘I’m not a Texans fan. Stop being such a puss.’ But seriously, Rob F@#$ing Bironas?

In other FG related news this week….

I picked Pittsburgh to win by 10. Well that didn’t happen, in fact the game was tied in the Fourth Quarter. Guess how the game ended. Go ahead, guess…. OK I’ll just say it. In fact I’ll say it like everyone in Pittsburgh said it as the ball went through the uprights as time expired. “Jason F@#$ing Elam….”

I picked Philly to beat Chicago this week. Whoops. David Akers and Robbie Gould combined to go 7/8 on FG attempts. The margin of victory was 3, and even though Chicago won on a last second Touchdown, the difference was kicking. (Let me take a minute here to say that if Skip Bayless got to eliminate kicking from the game, this one would’ve gone to overtime at 7-7. Like anyone wanted to watch another 15 minutes of offensive futility.)

I picked Baltimore over Buffalo. I don’t regret this pick, because who thought the games leading scorer would be Ryan Lindell, who went 4/4 on FG’s and finished with 13 points. Which is only one less than Baltimore scored as a team, and if Lynch doesn’t plow in from one yard out, Lindell goes 5/5 for 15 points, and the Bills still win, 15-14 instead of 19-14.

In other ‘I Lose’ News, Detroit beat Tampa Bay, and guess who they did it with? Jason Hanson, who was 3/3 with 11 points. OK, so the Bucs laid an egg and maybe their turnovers had something to do with the outcome….But seriously, I hope like hell that I don’t have to say the words, Jason F@#$ing Hanson when Detroit meets Green Bay.

So those were the games I blew, but on the upside, I got Washington almost right, calling it a 3-point game. Skins win by 2, as Rackers misses a potential winning Field Goal. I called New Orleans by 6, and guess what…They won by 6. (Incidently, one of the only games this week where the kicker wasn’t a factor. Mare attempted NO FG’s for N.O.)

I told you that KC would beat Oakland by a TD. I was wrong about the margin, as KC beats the Raiders 12-10, with former-Packer Dave Rayner kicking 2 FG’s to tie Larry Johnson for a team leading 6 points this game.

I said that Dallas would win by 14, and the won by 10. A big difference in this one? A BLOCKED FG that goes for a Cowboy’s TD. Are you sensing a pattern here?

I picked Cincy by 7, and that one came out to the letter. No major kicker news, unless I missed something, but I just wanted to point out the rare occasion that I was right on the head with a call.

On a half-pathetic, half-hilarious note, the Linehan offense of St. Louis scored all 6 of their points via the FG. The Rams are un-officially the Uglies-Show-On-Turf. Not to worry Rams fans, your team could pawn off that title to the Falcons if you manage to pull out, say 3 wins this year(I’d put Miami in there, but they play on grass. I bet there are folks in Miami that are wishing for a hurricane to blow Dolphin’s stadium out to sea.). If this NFL season was a game of Asshole, St. Louis would by WASTED.

Oh, and Skip? Every kicker in the league could beat YOUR ass to a pulp.

I’m just Sitting on the 50 yard-line, wastin’ time, wastin’ time……

This week I have tickets for the game again, so the story of my day begins ……

9:05 – Get my ass out of bed.

9:55 – Pick up T, roll to the bank.

9:56 – Badger Radio guys are trying to hock Volleybal tix.

10:30 – Pay $20 to park by the Quakers, get a couple of brats, T-bone gets a blueberry muffin.

10:52 – Get to our seats, Marching band is on the field. The PA guy says the next song is by ‘Sigmund Romberg’ At a football game? Are you serious?

10:53 – The student section is over 2/3 empty.

10:58 T and I observe the Northern Ill. mascot appears to be wearing a home-made costume,

11:01 – Kick-off!!!!

11:09 -There’s only 6 seconds off the clock after the kickoff, and the NIU guy is still down. Why aren’t the students chanting “Shoot Him Like A Horse!”?

11:11 – Bring on the ambulance, I’m an asshole.

11:13 – Dude is sitting up on the stretcher, so its probably not a spinal deal.

11:15 – OK, we’re gonna play some Football!!

11:17 – 3 PJ Hill runs and Wisconsin’s to the 50.

11:19 – Hubard to the 30

11:21 – TOUCHDOWN!! 25 yd pass to Graham!! UW 7 — NIU 0

11:23 – Joe Thomas cameo, thanks to Browns bye week. The crowd makes more noise for him than for the TD. This leads to an interesting conversation with T about whether or not Joe’s number should be retired. Just take a look at his UW achievements.

11:24 – The band doesn’t play that Steve Miller song anymore, but the P.A. guy can play crappy hip-hop. T- “Did we hire the DJ from last nights house party to do the game today?” The students chant for more beer. Ikegwuonu is playing like a stud.

11:27 – NIU punts again. Gilreath runs into his own blocker on a 2nd consecutive return.

11:29 – HE COULD GO ALL THE WAY!!!!! 72 yd TD run for PJ Hill UW 14 — NIU 0 The Jumbotron is playing a Tecomo Super Bowl TD thing. The students again chant for more beer.

11:34 – 4th and short for NIU, they punt. again. A nice return is neutralized by the worlds most obvious block in the back.

1:37 – facing 3rd and short, Wisconsin eff’s it up, bring on DaBouche.

11:39 – F@#$ YOU – EAT S#!% chant #1 of the day.

11:40 – NIU gets a false start and then throws a pass for a 5 yd loss. Their punter and long snapper haven’t stopped practicing together on the sideline yet. Good thing, because they wind up with 4th and 8 . NIU has 17 total yards, and theres only 4 minutes left in the 1st Quarter.

11:42 – despite all the practice, NIU’s long snapper gets called for a snap infraction. Gilreath returns the punt to the 50. Nice.

11:44 – Fullback Handoff. Pressley is a BEAST of a man. He’s bigger than 10 of 11 NIU defensive players.

11:48 – End of 1st Quarter, Wisconsin has outgained NIU 176 to 17.

11:49 – The UW Volleyball team makes a cameo appearance. The student section is almost full now.

11:52 – Start of 2nd Quarter. TOUCHDOWN for Wisconsin’s Pressley. What a stud. It’s his first career TD as a Badger, congrats. UW 21 — NIU 0. T asks if I think that WI’s line has more to do with their success than their skill positions.

11:55 – Bucky does more pushups, students want more beer.

11:56 – Wisconsin forces a 3rd and 20 on a Newkirk sack – I am so much happier than the las two weeks. Now NIU has 4th and 25 on their own 5.

11:58 – The wave starts as Gilreath has a nice return, the second time around they go slo-mo.

12:00 – Now the wave goes fast.

12:01 – Wave gets reversed, comes back to us.

12:02 – Section YZ splits the wave!! Amazing! I’ve never seen anyone but the students engineer that before. I am truly amazed.

12:03 – TD run by Lance Smith, UW 28 – NIU 0 10:30 Q2. Wisconsin has now outgained NIU 226 to 1. Thats right, ONE yard.

12:05 – Men’s track and field cameo. The PA guy lists off their long list of titles. There’s so many I begin to think he’s making them up as he goes.

12:08 – Bucky does pushups, fans want more beer. Ikegwuono has been everywhere today. NIU punter and long snapper haven’t stopped practicing today. T – “maybe they don’t get to practice during the week.” NIU has to punt, they now have 4 total yards on the day.

12:10 – F$%* YOU EAT S#!& chant #2 of the day.

12:13 – section O rows, PJ Hill gets 15 on 2 carries. Pressley keeps bangin’.

12:14 – Who called that end around?? Didn’t we learn from last week? Tyler Donovan with a spin move, jukes left. HIT X, LEFT TRIGGER, A!! Wisconsin 1st down. T – “He looked like Vick there, he beat 3 or 4 Huskies there.”

12:19 – Beckum o the 14, 3rd and 4 for Wisconsin. Jefferson can’t hold on to the next pass, so we’ll kick the FG. It’s good from 32 yds. UW 31 — NIU 0.

12:23 – 4th and 10 for NIU. They are 0/6 on 3rd down. The punter (who hasn’t stopped practicing on the sideline) comes out again.

12:24 – Donovan throws a pick. We Should’ve Been Running.

12:26 – The officials put 1 additional second on the clock, Please reset the game clock to the 4th quarter.

12:28 – Huskies convert their 1st 1st down all game.

12:30 – NIU gets a 2nd 1st down. They throw a pick on the next play. NIU’s #88 pulls a boner and gets a Personal Foul.

12:35 – Finally Half-time. UW 31 — NIU 0. Awesome, its the Punt Pass and Kick contest!! GO GARY!! he attempts the 27 yd FG…….No Good…..Sorry Gary. Stadium PA, “Gang Violence and Tender Love scenes.” What?!? Nothing more manly than a Marching Band playing songs from West Side Story. And to top it off, there’s no dance fighting. NIU’spunter comes out early from the locker room to practice more.

12:56 – Kickoff the second half

T- “would you rather watch dance fighting or the second half?”

Me – “Is it break dance fighting?”
We decide to leave at the end of the quarter, or when the score hits 40.

12:58 – Pass Interference on WI, 1st down NIU. T – “NIU makes Citadel look like Auburn.”

1:01 – NIU throws a pick six!!! wait a minute, he’s called out at the 4. WI has 1st and goal. T- “We have to wait one more play to celebrate.”

1:04 – 3rd and goal at the one. Is it a PJ Hill run? You bet, count it a TD. UW 38 — NIU 0 9:56 3Q.

1:05 – Loving the Tecmo Super Bowl Jumbotron animation. There’s a second appearence of the Volleyball team (this time its alumni)

1:06 – As Wisconsin kicks off, the NIU punter and LS are STILL practicing their technique. Its like they have some sort of 6th sense that they are going out on the field 4 plays from now. The students want more beer.

1:11 – 3rd and 12 for NIU, at least the punters ready. Wisconsin offensive lineman Kenny Jones (#69) sings ‘Afternoon Delight” on the Jumbotron. The crowd goes ape.

1:14 – Playing Neil Diamond on the P.A. T – “I’m a huge Neil fan. He’s working on a new album with Rick Rubin.”

1:16 – F%@# YOU EAT S#%$ chant # 3 on the day. This one is LOUD. Stay classy Madison.

1:19 – 40+ yd run for PJ Hill. Balls on the 10. What’s that PJ? You ate the whole wheel of cheese AND pooped in the fridge? I’m not even upset, I’m actually impressed.

1:23 – 4:30 left in the 3rd Quarter.

1:24 – Donovan throw one through the endzone to the spirit squad. T- “Tyler said he wanted to nail a cheerleader, but I thought he meant something else…” Melhoff kicks a FG, UW 41 — NIU 0. 2:59 3Q.

1:25 – Do you think the cheerleaders respect the spirit squad? What does the spirit squad think of the cheerleaders? Spirit Squad VS Cheerleaders, I report, you decide.

1:29 – NIU throws a 40 yard pass. They now have 80 or so total yards. NIU’s cheerleaders are dressed in black, got kind of a ‘bad-girl’ thing going.

1:31 – NIU finally gets on the board by settling for a FG UW 41 – - NIU 3 0:51 Q3. The lady behind me just asked her man, “Doesn’t it have to go through the things ta count?” I am trying so hard not to laugh out loud.

1:34 – Why are UW’s starters in witha 38 point lead and :20 sec left in the third???

1:35 – End of the 3rd quarter, We’re hitting the bricks. My game balls go to Chris Pressley, the WI FB, and to Andy Dittbenner, the NIU punter.

1:45 – WI kicks a FG, final score 44-3

Week 7 and the Myopic Prognosticator.

Tennessee @ Houston

DVOA–>TEN by 15.2%

Monkey–>Ahman Green will be back, but Andre Johnson won’t be, and that spells splendiforous for a Titan’s squad that could be without Vince Young. Kerry Collins is a fine backup, but I don’t know how much to expect from him. I’d expect him to handle the road start well, and taking all the #1 snaps in practice should help his timing with his receivers. Despite the DVOA, and despite my better judgment, I’m taking Schaub and the Texans by 3.

Baltimore @ Buffalo

DVOA–>BAL by 35%

Monkey–>I don’t think a Buffalo team without a solid starter at QB has a chance against Baltimore, be it on the road or at home. I’ll take the Ravens by 14.

 

Tampa Bay @ Detroit

DVOA–>TB by 49.5%

Monkey–>Will Detroit rise up against the odds and finally be a winner, or will the weight of Matt Millen’s poor draft choices smother their best efforts?  I’m voting for the death of a dream this week.  Jeff Garcia will have his way this week.  News flash to Herbstreit:  Tampa DOES have a running game and his name is Earnest Graham.  Tampa by 7.

 

Arizona @ Washington

DVOA–>WAS by 19.2%

Monkey–>Will Kurt Warner start this week?  If he does, will he last one or two quarters?  Will it matter?  Arizona’s rush defense is middle of the pack, and Clinton Portis could have a big week, as long as Joe Gibbs doesn’t still think Betts is  as good as Clinton.   Take the Skins by 3.

 

San Francisco @ NY Giants

DVOA–>NY by 56.5%

Monkey–>The Eli Manning hater in me wants to pick the Niners, but the brain in my head know the Giants will win because the 49er’s can’t seem to move the ball despite the best efforts of Alex Smith and Frank Gore.  This is not to mention San Fran’s 21st ranked defense and New Yorks 3rd ranked offense.  Giants by 10.

 

Atlanta @ New Orleans

DVOA–>ATL by 9.5%

Monkey–>  Two teams with one win a piece.  Atlanta will be starting the svelte Byron “Heftwich” Leftwich.  With New Orleans at home, I have to go against the DVOA and pick NO by 6.

 

New England @ Miami

DVOA–>NE by 84.8%

Monkey–>  Yeah.  I’m not picking against New  England all year.  Period.  Especially this week.  Pats by 17.

 

Kansas City @ Oakland

DVOA–>KC by 25.6%

Monkey–> Kansas City surprised me last week, and Oakland disappointed  me like your stripper daughter disappointed Nana at Christmas dinner  last  week.  I know that  an irrational hope for vengeance against the Al Davis Raiders isn’t a good reason to pick the Chiefs.  So I’ll use the DVOA.  KC by 7.

 

NY Jets @ Cincinnati

DVOA–>CIN by 27.3%

Monkey–>God, I’m glad I don’t have to watch this game on Sunday.  I don’t know what the Jets need, but it sure isn’t Clemens.  By the Way, How does Thomas Jones not have a TD yet?  As bad as Cincinnati  punked me last week,  I pick them again, but if they lose, I’ll beat the crap out of Ashton.  Cincinnati by  7.

 

Minnesota @ Dallas

DVOA–>DAL by 30.3%

Monkey–> Adrian Peterson carried the Vikings last week on the road, but don’t expect a repeat of that in Dallas.  Wade Phillips tried to make Tom Brady beat him last week, and that backfired.  If he wants to win this week, he’ll try to make Tavaris Jackson beat him.  The Vikings are ranked 28th in passing offense this year.  I’m taking Dallas by 14.

 

Chicago @ Philadelphia

DVOA–>PHI by 35.6%

Monkey–> Which teams show up today?  In a match-up of two Jekell and Hyde teams how do you pick a winner? I’m anticipating a low scoring affair, but with Donovan McNabb, you never know what will happen.  The same is said about Brian Griese, but not in the good way people say it about McNabb.  I’ll take the relatively healthy 1st string Philly offense to get the Eagles back to .500 this week.  Philly by 10.

 

St. Louis @ Seattle

DVOA–>SEA by 35.9%

Monkey–>Seattle’s offense lacks a certain something…a je ne sais quoi…which is better than St. Louis’s c’est la vie, we don’t care about sucking, patented Scott Linehan offense.  Seattle by 7.

 

Pittsburgh @ Denver

DVOA–>PIT by 58.2%

Monkey–> I feel wary when the DVOA seems to be a much larger gap than Ithought there would be.  Is Denver really that bad?  They have a middle of the pack offense that desperately needs to move past the whole Travis Henry suspension thing.  Too bad they’ll wait to start Selvin Young until they have to.  Denver has a below average defense, which desperately needs to stop the run(they’re 31 out of 32)  Look for Mike Tomlin to pound the ball, and the Steelers to win,  Pittsburgh by 10.

 

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

DVOA–>IND by 35.1%

Monkey–>This game should be much better than last weeks MNF.   Jacksonville and Indy both have good run and pass defenses, both teams can run the ball, but Jacksonville has a sub-par passing game.  It could be that the Jag’s running game is all they need, so they don’t pass, or that they rely on the run because they don’t trust David Garrard.  I don’t expect Indy’s defense to hold Jacksonville to ZERO big plays, and I fully anticipate that Jacksonville will lead the T.O.P. column at the end of the game, but I think Peyton Manning will be the difference in the final Score Indy 34 — Jags 28.

Manny is Unworthy of Mighty Skip Bayless

So he hits .440 with 4 HR’s and a dozen RBI’s in the postseason.  He’s walked 6 more times than he struck out this postseason.  He gives of his time and Money to those in need.  This performance is unworthy of Skip Bayless.  I guess the only way a grown man named Skip can feel less like a child is too denigrate Manny for being second on the team in BA to David Ortiz.   The only thing Skip does well is sexually harass women with Woody Paige.  Tell me Skip, is this Ramerimannyphobia a clause in your contract with your dark lord Satan?  Don’t act surprised, I’ve run down all the possibilities.  I got it down to Contract with Satan or Proffering sexual favors in job interviews.  Since no one will have relations with him, I must conclude that El Diablo is indeed behind the upswing of his career arc.  Manny being Manny means he’ll try to hit .500.  Skip being Skip means he’ll eat his own excrement for breakfast before he admits that Manny Ramirez can straight up ball.